I guess a WS does have a bad conscience and feels guilty no matter what you see on the outside. Otherwise they would be monsters and they are not, because we wouldn't have married a monster, right? My wife (WS, living with OM for 6 months)) seems to get angry at me when I seem to feel better than she does. Now according to my logic I expect her to feel better when I'm doing good, because then she could convince herself that her cheating on me wasn't that bad after all, because I'm doing well. So she wouldn't have to feel that guilty, right? But the opposite happens. If I cry and feel sorry for myself and let her know my misery, she looks down on me and feels she did the right thing. But if I say I'm doing fine and I'm moving on with my life, she starts to have pitty for herself, then she is suddenly the victim and oh life is so difficult for her, but for me everything's fine. If I tell her I'm doing fine, she gets angry and frustrated, of course she tries not to show that, but it's obvious. I guess this is one of those fog syndroms. It's confusing.

MIK,<P>Not so confusing at all. I read somewhere that no woman will be able to easily leave a happy, strong man. When you are doing well, and appaer to be moving on, it makes your wife doubt herself and her choices. It makes her wonder what you are up to. I makes her look twice at the OM and wonder about him caus by this time he isnt looking so perfect any more.<P>When you cry and make yourself the victim, she feels more justified in leaving you. You dont appear stong and like a healthy choice for a husband. <P>So keep up the happy front, if you feel it or not. If you want her back, you need to be the stong one and let OM start being the insecure one. The longer she stays married to you, the more he will feel it. Thats the beauty of this plan. You get stronger and happier, while their relationship starts to self destruct. <P>Lora

M:<P>Lora's insight is a great one. Hmmm ... after 6 months with the OM, perhaps you should start considering Plan B.<P>In the meantime, keep the happy face painted on your face, and Plan A to the hilt.<P>The internal psychology of it, within the WS's mind, is best left unexplored ... but it does have an impact, believe me.<P>For other perspectives on the WS "hating" the BS, see the other thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010651.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010651.html</A> <P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 15, 2001).]

SeenTheLight,<P>As I discovered my wife's affair, she decided she wanted to go to her parents (different state), away from me and the OM, to figure out what she wants. She stayed there 2 months. The OM went to visit her, even though she promised no contact (I didn't push her to this promise at all, it was her idea). Well, I went there also for different reasons. It was tough, but I think it was important, even though probably a big LB (I had really good moments with her during my visit). When she came back she directly moved in with OM, not letting me know how to interpret that. From this moment on I withdrew, but didn't write a plan B letter. I told her before she left me, that I will withdraw in case she would leave me. I have seen her 3 times the last 6 months and spoke a couple times with her on the phone, wrote her some letters and sent her presents. I stopped all contact from my side for two months now. It's kind of a plan B. The plan B letter would be a LB and if not absolutely necessary I will not send one. So far, she doens't contact me either, so there is no need to cut of contact, because there is simply none. I move on with my life, but often I'm afraid that she would forget me. I promised her the world and did all I could. It's now up to her to make the next step. I wished that there would be a way I could help her out of this mess we've made, but it seems she has to do this step alone. I would be willing to do plan A, and I do everytime I have contact with her. But I'm not pursueing her or following her around. The last couple of times she called me I made it ususally short and I ended the conversation. <P>I'm sick of trying to interpret every word or move she makes, but I can't help it. I long for any hopeful signs. I know that my love for her suffers, when I am confronted with the uglyness of this situation. I really want to protect my love for her. So I guess it is good to stick to this kind of plan B. It's tough but it's a fact, that I can't change the situation. I'm not in control. So I try to let go, pray for her and move on with my life, hoping that the fog will dissappear soon and waiting for the miracle of restoration.<P>peace<P>mike<P>