I am writing this to get serious input. I am the one that had the privite account. I gave it to a girl at work and she e-mailed me several times. The problem is that I didn't tell wife about the e-mails or even the account. My wife found the account and and confronted me with it. I screwed up and have lost her trust. The OW and I have not slept together nor is that what I wanted to get too but, I did open the wrong window. Please give me insight on what I should do. I have gotten rid of the other account but how can I be trust worthy to my wife now that I blew that out of the water. Please only serious input back. <p>[This message has been edited by goingkey (edited July 15, 2001).]

As the wife of a man who engaged in unacceptable behavior through email and IM, I can tell you that you have to live with the fact that you are now not trusted. In my case, when I discovered that my husband was doing this, I confronted her through IM and told her, "I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but its over." And then I confronted him. She retorted by looking up our mailing address and sending me inappropriate adult material as though I ordered it. This resulted in further stress in our marriage. This happened about 3-1/2 years ago.<P>I thought my husband had learned his lesson regarding this kind of behavior, however 10 days ago I learned that he only gave it up for a period of time, then resumed his online flirtations on an adult "friend" board. The ultimate result of this behavior was that he met a complete stranger in a hotel room for sex about 10 months ago! At the time it happened he was immediately disgusted with himself for doing it and says that he gave up the account and his "relationship" the day after it happened.<P>I busted him (how I will not say because I will not DARE give any cheater hints on how to cover up their behavior) and he tried to cover it up. After I presented the illogic of his denial (and told him he should have married a stupid woman if it was his intention to just be a philanderer) he had to confess. Now we are in the middle of trying to repair this marriage. Honestly, if it were not for the fact that we have children I would not even consider it. He seems remorseful and begged me not to leave him. He has admitted that his esteem is wrapped up in female attention and that he has kept this secret from me for many years.<P>Why do I say all this? So that you know that your wife has reason to distrust you. I gave my husband my trust back immediately after the first, "innocent" online chat only to have him completely betray me.<P>You have to prove to your wife that you are worthy of trust. As Dr. Phil McGraw says, "you pay until..." and that until is determined by her.<P>Good luck, and please! do not engage in this kind of behavior again. If it goes too far you will ruin your marriage, perhaps beyond repair. Find out WHY it is you want this kind of attention from outside your marriage and find a way to communicate this need to your wife. Maybe you can work together to fulfill your needs.

You neglected to mention whether the "girl at work" has been given the heave ho....or do you both now use another means to communicate????<P>You know that you did screw up, and although you did not sleep together, you very well may have ended up there (in spite of what you said in your post). And, you are also very aware that it was inappropriate.<P>Your wife will take whatever time is needed to trust you again. However, it will help her tremendously if you could change jobs, ensuring that you don't run into this "girl" on a regular basis.<P>It's a heavy price to pay, but you did the crime, and payback is painful.<P>I hope that you have been sufficiently awakened to know that you were lucky this time, and your wife is still there. Might not be the same response if you mess up again.<P>GOod luck to you.

I think you made the right choice by getting rid of the private e-mail account, my H to had a private e-mail that I didn't know about and when I found out that he was chatting with a female co-worker I was upset, not that he was chatting it was the fact that he didn't tell me. Suspicions arise! Honesty is always the best policy. There should be no secrets in marriage under any circumstances!<BR>Just be homest w/ your wife.<BR>Good Luck to you.<BR>Cybil

Thank you all for your great input. I'm glad it does'nt seem I have gone to far. I feel I have. I know I have a lot of work to do in the being open and honist department. Plus working to be trusted. Does anyone have any good advice? As for breaking it off with the OW I have'nt seen her yet to do so. That is the next step. Again thank you.

An email address I have used and found is Office@marraigebuilders.com, perhaps those more senior in this have a more direct one for Dr. Harley. I have needed a lot of space from my husband to sort out my thoughts and feelings about what all has transpired. The anger I had/have comes out in anger and venting over and over again asking why? why did he have to do this? what did I do to have this happen. Lots of patiences on your part will be essential, some things she may say may push some buttons in you making it difficult not to respond in anger towards her. Just remember she is in alot of pain, her hurt will take sometime to heal. She needs to feel safe to openly discuss her feelings with you. My husband has been physically abusive so this part of the trust process isn't much of an option for me. Compassion, understanding and a thick skin will serve you well. Can I ask why you started the secret emails?

Don't break it off in person. Do it either in written letter that you write and your W reads or on phone with your W on another listening in. Let OW know how much your W and your marriage means to you and how sorry you are that you almost ruined it and most importantly that you want no more contact (except only what you absolutely have to because of work). <P>If she does initiate contact in any form or you happen to run into her at work, phone your wife and tell her immediately (so she will know you are not hiding it).<P>I think the biggest thing in rebuilding your trust with her will be how you treat her. Woo and romance her, get her interested in you again like when you were dating. Treat her like a queen. This is not a temporary fix. If you truly mean it, she deserves it.

goingkey,<P>You must use the marriage builders principles (MB). Read His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. Your W was not meeting your needs, so you went to talk to another - risky business - can be fixed though.<P>Takes Rule of Time, Honesty and Openness. Get the books and get started repairing your marriage. You can do it. aftershock

Aftershock<BR>where can I get the book "Surviving an Affair?"

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html</A>

Thank you for you input again, this is realy helping. I have my wifes permission to talk about our progress. It is still early in the game but we are doing lots of talking. We revealed a lot about each other with the "Personal History Questionair". That was good! I will not realisical expect much for a long time. I have to start over completely. We have even laughed about some things. I plan on talking to the OW's father in a few days because it is his buisness computer the OW has been useing. I want him to hear straight from me that I was wrong to give here the secret e-mail address and that I need to cut all ties with his daughter. My wife has informed me on some things about the OW that I did'nt know and I realize how much more foolihs I was. I know I need to be completely open with every emotion and when i'm feeling it. That is going to be very hard because I have never been able to do so. I feel I am the lucky one, and I love my wife too much not to give it my all. Thanks again and keep the letters coming. I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET!!<BR>Goingkey<BR>

goingkey...<P>You are not alone, in that there are other WS here too...<BR>We know where you are, where you have been, and where you are going (hopefully, if you are honest with yourself and your W). I encourage you to have her read the MB stuff with you, so she can know that the people here are truly interested in helping you two survive all this!!<P>As a fellow WS, take a second to read a couple of things...<P>First of all, read all the posts in here you can and listen to the wise words of those that have been here, and are on the road to recovery. <P>Second, if you need a boost from another WS, take a look at this post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html</A> <P>It is written to other WS that need a lil boost that they are understood. Keep posting here, and reading all you can. Utilize the principles on this site, and you and your W can rebuild, but it begins with YOU!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart<P>

Trueheart;<BR> Thank you for that link. It was really emotional. My wife and I read it together. I have been so lucky having my wife stick with me and work this out together. We have been working straight from the heart like we did in the begining. We lost that somewhere along the way.<BR>Being completely open and honest about "EVERYTHING" is working so far. We have even been able to settle somethings without fighting all the way. Everything is looking up even though we still have a long way to go, thank you.<P>Goingkey