Ok guys. . I'm feeling a little sentimental. I'm feeling very thankful for having you all in my life. I'm feeling a lot grateful for all you all have done for me. Anyone who knows my story from the beginning, has been a part of how much I have grown & learned as a person. . .as ME. You guys watched me, and you guys helped me. You guys have all been a part of it, in such a supportive way. . .you will never know, you just will never know what you have done for me, what you have helped me do. You have all watched me grow. .that's a big thing for me, I'm a very private person, and would not want most people to see, or know the things I've shown, or told you all here (at least today I am a private person, tomorrow, who knows. .changing is good!!).<P>Anyhow, enough about the mood I'm in tonight. . .I have this post saved (along with some select others) on my 'puter under "The war is on". And it's awesome. I feel so much power when I read them, even now, when OW is gone. It's still just so uplifting. (I warned you, it's long).<P><BR>"Bitsy said:<P>We had a great weekend, except when I had to leave, we had good talks Sunday nite & Monday nite. . then OW calls. Now it's been taken down a notch. We're still talking, but I<BR>can tell a big difference in him since then. Not so many I love you's & I miss you's.<P>He's gotten himself into such a mess with her & he doesn't know how to get out. I want to tell him how, but it's something he's going to have to realize & work thru on his own. Backsliding sucks!! I mean when she's out of the picture for a few days, he seems so happy, but then after they have contact it's like he clams up again. He doesn't even realize that I don't think. I remember telling him one time a while ago-after we had a really good nite together here & then she threw one of her hissy fits-that when he left here he seemed so happy & after talking with her he wasn't again. He said "I was??". Like he didn't even know it. He's tourturing himself & doesn't even realize it I don't think, or doesn't realize that it's her that's making him feel this way. When will he see how happy he is when we're together??<P> IP: Logged<BR>worthatry<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 07:13 AM <P>bitsy - just hang on! The best thing you can do is be consistent and confident, as hard as that is. Be a good listener and validate, validate, validate!!!!!!!!!!!!<P> Dave<P> IP: Logged<BR>elo<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 07:16 AM <P>Hi Bitsy,<P>I sure hope your H realizes what he has done and finally leaves ow. <P>Of course, that is what I selfishly want for me and our 3 children.<P>They hold on like a bull dog, I read; passion is so strong and ending it is not easy for them because they can't make up their mind.<P> elo<P> IP: Logged<BR>lostva<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 08:24 AM <P>Hi, Honey. Yup, I'm still checking on you.<P>We talked about this, remember? You can do it. He's waffling....that's actually not a bad thing. A heck of a lot better than pushing you away completely. We all know he's not just gonna up and say "Oh, my stars, what have I done, can you please, PLEASE forgive me?" and tell OW to take a flying leap! Wish they would and maybe they do for non-emotional affairs, but it just doesn't seem to happen very much when they fall "in love". It's more than not knowing how to get out.....she still provides something. Trouble is (for HER that is ) that her annoyances will get bigger than what she provides. And you'll still be there, standing strong. He's dealing with a lot right now - in the middle of the move, reconciling his own behavior, your change in behavior, what's going on with her, remembering how he felt that made him leave to begin with. Yup, he's got a lot to sort out right now!<P>You're doing fine, just be strong and consistant. Remember, all this growing and learning is NOT to win him back, it's to make you an even more wonderful person! That makes it easier to take the ride.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori<P> IP: Logged<BR>Lora<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 08:30 AM <P>Oh Bitsey,<P>I know just what you mean. When my H is with me and it feels good I wonder how he can go back to OW, yet it seems he can be sucked right back with no problem. Will they ever be free of that addiction? I worry for our recovery because now that I have seen how strong her pull is, I dont think he will be stong enough to ever go no contact. <P>I wish she was more of a ***** so he could start to see that side more quickley, but it seems his affair is destined to die a long slow painful decline before it dies, and I dont<BR>know if I can outlast it. <P>I almost wish I didnt have the ups to show me the possibilities of our relationship again, only to be draged back down when he withdraws after contact with OW.<P>I dont think they see at all. I think they have to justify again how they are not happy with us to go back to OW so they block that out. They are master compartmentalizers.<P> Lora<P> IP: Logged<BR>Clarity?<BR>Junior Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 11:57 AM <P>I don't know if you've been following my story or not (Come on baby lift my fog), but I was the WS and I think I know exactly what your husband is going through. At the peak<BR>of my EA, I was convinced I belonged with my wife when I was with her. The second I had any contact with the OW I felt like I belonged with her. What's important is that it appears that he wants you when he is with you, and you must know that the love the two of you have is the real love. I knew all along that what I had with my wife was right and that never left my brain. It got fogged over, but it never went away and I eventually realized it. Be encouraged that part of him still knows it's you he wants deep down inside.<BR>Stay strong. If I can come back, he can come back.<P> IP: Logged<BR>Alberta<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 12:09 PM <P>Bitsy - you are doing great. You continually deposit love units while OW withdraws. Yes, he's waffling, but her bank account is depleting while yours is filling up. Stay strong, you are the one being honest, open and loving and you are the one being supportive. Let her dig herself deeper. Hang on!!<P>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited March 14, 2001).]<P> IP: Logged<BR>Rick37<BR>Member <BR>posted March 14, 2001 03:06 PM <P>bitsy,<P>It is night time. The war is on. You are wearing those night vision goggles, she can't see a thing. You have the utmost control, even though it may not seem like it. Sorry, that<BR>was my best analogy. You just keep it up, it takes time, but you are winning. Some days are tough, but you have the strength.<P>Thank you all:<P>WAT, so much tragedy in your life lately, but you are still there for others, and if you were any funnier, I think I would be peeing my pants! You crack me!! YOU are inspiring to me. . about the kind of person I want to be.<P>elo, are you still around? Not selfish of you to want that for your family. Strong, you're the family foundation right now (or then).<P>lostva, no words. . .that's all I have to say. There just are no words for what you've done for me. Someday, I hope to be 1/2 of you and I think I'll be doing ok for myself.<P>Lora, what you did for me in this post is just understand. . you just told me, honey, I KNOW how much it hurts. I KNOW how much it sucks. . .you felt my pain with me (not that everyone else here does not), but you just sucked with me. Means alot. Thank you.<P>Clarity?, is he gone now? I hope not, but I haven't seen posts from him lately. Anyhow, if you're still here, excellent support from the WS side. And very much needed. Hope you're doing well.<P>Alberta, you have had a few posts to me that have helped me feel strong. And I've seen some of you're posts to others that are very uplifiting. Although I don't know your whole story (my bad), I hope you don't leave this board.<P>Rick, you apologized for your analogy you should know how many times that analogy kept me going. Hence the title of my saved file on my computer. . . 'The war is on'. I get goose bumps when I read it, every time.<P>Thank you to everyone. And I hope that anyone who's new here that reads the whole way thru this long mess!! finds something to help them, or sees a little support or hope in their situation.<P>I am lucky to have found MB, and lucky to know all of you. Thank you.<P><BR>

Wow! Thanks Bitsy. I spent part of the day Saturday reading noteable posts. What a wonderful resource. Reading this post and those are very inspirational as well as validating.<P>They are what inspired me to write A Betrayed Spouse on Love post...<P>It really is about learning, growing, changing for ourselves, loving our spouses unconditionally, and leaving their discipline to God...we don't have to accept everything that is done to us and be 'doormats,' but we can still love them as God would want us to...<P>Thanks,<BR>Cali

Cali, right back at 'cha. I just posted to your latest. . . very inspiring. And the whole loving unconditionally thing, it's confusing to "outsiders", isn't it? But doesn't it feel good? I have friends who say things like, "don't you want him to chase you" . ."aren't you angry, don't you want him to pay?". . .it's not my job to make him pay, is it? It's just not. My job is to love. . . and that's what I feel for him, and it does not feel weak, it feels strong. I can love, in the face of all this. I still love. . .and the best thing about it all, is I like ME even better now. And I thing God likes me even better too.

Okay, we'll just have a mutual admiration society here...<P>Yes, Yes and Yes! It's still scary. We can still have doubts. But if we can Believe and Trust and Love, in ourselves most of all, maybe that is the lesson.<P>Cali

Cali, yep. . .it is scary, I do have some doubts, but I still feel like I'm doing my "job". I loved him still, when he needed me the most. Isn't that what God does for all of us (not meaning to say I'm like Him). .just meaning that I tried and I did what He does for us. Nobody ever promised us a perfect, happy, stress or struggle free life. .think about it. . if this A had not happened, I would still be my old (yucky) self. Good things have come out of this. The best thing being, I know me better and I like me better.<P>Doesn't it feel so good?

Bitsy,<P>How are you doing? Great to hear from you!<P>Nope this is not a long.... post. We are still on page 1!<P>Yes, I remember this post. You have been through a lot. Plan A, cried a lot and now you are smiling!!! I am so happy. <P>It is almost like looking back at an old class picture and see how much everyone has grown up. The witty class clowns: Wat and Rick. The scholarly/big sister type: lostva/lora/elo and Alberta. The newbie with a heart: Clarity. <P>I enjoyed your post. <P>Thanks,<BR>L.<P><BR>

For bitsy: