Just found out on the 4th that my H has been having an affair with his secty. They only recently slept with each other the rest of the time it was just petting and kissing. He confessed to me because he felt so guilty about what he was doing to me. I suspected it about 2 months ago when I saw them at a function. My intuition proved right. H told me that is was because we were in a rough spot in our marriage and he thought it was heading to divorce (and that I didn't desire him anymore). Well she fell in love with him and he has strong feelings for her. He asked me to give him another chance and I said I would for our two young children. She is in a bad marriage also and told her H about the affair hoping that my H and her would get together. It backfired because my H realized he made a mistake and wants to stay with me. We are going to work on the problems that created the discord in our marriage (not enough quality time with the two of us). Question is, since she works with him in close proximity and they talk, she tells him that she loves him but he tells her she needs to get on and make her marriage work, can I trust him? Do you think he can totally stay away from her. He feels sorry for her and that he has caused her so much pain. I am so nervous that I can't eat or sleep. I keep worrying that she will eventually get him, he says no. Because of work, he cannot move to another job or office so they will always be in the same building. Please help me, I really need advice from people that have been there. Can a marriage be rebuilt after something like this?

Most definitely a marriage can be rebuilt after this... but it takes a LOT of HARD work! And using the Harley methods you find on MB is your best chance of rebuilding.<P>That is good news that your H confided in you and told you what happened. Although the story is not one that any of us want to ever hear, it is much better being told by your spouse than finding out on your own.<P>The fact that your H is regretting his actions and wants to work on your marriage is great. You will still need to work on plan Aing, but because he's not waffling, you'll find it easier than most of us have.<P>Read whatever you can on this site. Then re-read it over again. It may take you a few weeks to get the concepts straight (at least that's how long it took me..grin). <P>I am so glad you found us here at MB. I am sorry you had to, but be happy you have. This is the greatest support network for dealing with affairs in marriage that you will ever find! Do not hold back from posting. Even if you think your question is not important enough to post about, it usually is. We are all here to help each other as best we can.<P>Speaking from experience, yes, it can get MUCH better. My H (WS) and I have been in recovery for over 1 1/2 months now, and although it is a slow process, it's worth every minute.<P>My suggestion to you right now, is to read up on plan A and B, and more importantly, Emotional Needs and Love Busters. THere are questionnaires on this site for the latter 2, and if you and your H fill them out, you will be on the right road to recovery in no time.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>Thank you for the quick response. Reading your post has helped me tremendously. You have put some positiveness back into a life that was only thinking negatively. Again, I am so scared that H is going to feel sorry for her and continue being her friend. He claims he just has to be careful how he deals with it since it is at work, I agree with him on that aspect. I did tell him that he shouldn't have pooped in his sandbox. :-) I hope with time I will feel less anxiety and constant worrying that he will leave me for her. Everything he says is just the opposite, that he loves me more than her and that the only thing she was giving him that I wasn't was companionship (listened to him, talked to him at lunch, hung on his every word), I guess that's typical affair stuff. Too bad she can't see it, she is confusing all that stuff with love. Thanks again and post back soon, I look forward to it. By the way, I'm in Florida what state are you in??

You need to really find out what is missing in your marriage. You can't fix anything until all of the closet problems have been dealt with. I went through my H having two affairs in less tan a year. After the first affair we focused so much on getting over the affair that we didn't really work on what was really wrong with us. So he found somebody else who he thought could satisfy whatever needs I wasn't. <P>If there is one thing that is really important it's the no contact rule. I mean no contact!!!!!!! If they continue to see eachother the obssesion and addiction to eachother<BR> will not go away. It also will let you know just how seriouse your H is about saving his family.<P>Hugs,<P>Jill

Well I have bad news to report. My H was caught in a lie about talking to the OW. I had someone go by his work when he was late coming home. He was there with her, just talking as he put it. I gave him the chance to tell me the truth but he made up a big lie about where he was. When I told him I had proof he told me that they just talked. She had to ask him a few questions. The questions were...do you think we could ever work out and that she loved him so much that he was worth waiting for. Of course not wanting to hurt her feelings he just told her that she needed to get back with her H instead of telling her to leave him alone. Well it blew up in my house, after I called her a not so nice name he became physically violent with me. At this point I think the best thing would be a separation/divorce. The sad thing is that I still love him and want to be with him, is that sick or what. I feel so sorry for him. This behaviour is totally not like him, ever. He is so confused by everything.