Okay I'm learning here. So I'm suppose to ignore the fact that she is flaunting herself in the middle of the street near our house? I shouldn't mention anything about the affair at all? How do I cope with the fact that she is prying my oldest son for information? What about when my H goes out fishing with the buddies, I shouldn't snoop to verify his story? So I should plead ignorance and deposit love units in his love bank and not make any withdrawals?

Being in plan A doesn't mean you need to be blind and deaf to what's going on. However, in order to avoid LBing (love busters), it is a matter of finding ways to word things that aren't construed as selfish demands and disrespectful judgements. Using a lot of "I feel" statements work.<P>Snooping is a tough issue on here. Some agree with it, some don't. I happen to agree with it. My reasons being that you are fighting for your marriage. How can you win the war if you don't know what you're up against? However, the biggest risk of snooping, is being found out by the WS. That is usually considered to be a huge LB.. but there are cases where the WS is relieved to have been found out, and it helps to clear the fog some.<P>If the OW prying information from your son is getting out of hand, then you may want to look into legal courses of action. How old is your son? Has he asked her NOT to talk to him? I'm no legal expert by any means, but I would assume that if he has asked her not to talk to him, and she continues to do so, a restraining order of sorts could be placed on her. That's a pretty drastic measure though, however, sometimes necessary.<P>IMO, you should not plead ignorance to the A. Your H needs to know that you know. Be prepared to be continually lied to though. The fog creates expert liars (or so they think). The more hard evidence you have to confront your H with, IMO, the better. Show him that you know what's going on (he'll probably deny it), and every now and then (if need be), show him some more. This will more than likely withdraw love units from his account, but by following through with a great plan A, they'll be rebuilt in no time, and your H will not have anything to justify his A any longer.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Karen<BR>

ditto Karen.<P>You're in damage control at the moment. You HAVE to stop arguing and confronting constantly. Your reactions are normal and justified, but you have to get control of yourself if you want to start working on salvaging this.<P>WAT

My son is 7. And he sees her as his "daddy's friend".<BR>I told him never to speak to her again and sent him to his room. He was out of his bike riding boundries anyway.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by M&J:<BR><B>My son is 7. And he sees her as his "daddy's friend".<BR>I told him never to speak to her again and sent him to his room. He was out of his bike riding boundries anyway.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just so long as he understands that he was sent to his room because he was riding out of his boundaries. If you comment on her during normal punishment (or whatever you want to call them) times, then you will be confusing your son.<P>Is your son able to understand feelings well? If you were to talk to him calmly one evening, and tell him that it makes you upset.. better yet, sad... that he talks to her, do you think he would discontinue it on his own? (my oldest child so far has only been 4 yrs old.. he was extremely sensitive to others feelings.. especially mine, and honestly felt sad if he did something that made me feel sad).<P>When children are in the middle of all of this, it really makes it harder to deal with... and that's hard enough as it is.<P>You have to confront your H on this. Although in the fog, you need to use the kids to your advantage... but not in such a way that will confuse them (by making them feel as though they need to take sides).<P>I don't know what else to say here. Just have a question: does your H know that you know?<P>Karen<P><BR>

Yes he knows that I know. He came to me nine months ago and told me, however he told me two months later that he slept with her again. The main reason he told me about the affair was because OW told her H that she was maddly in love with my H and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Her H left her that night, he claims she's done this before. In fact she has a reputation in our neighborhood as a home wrecker prior to us moving in. Anyway since we are neighbor's my H knew that I would find out so he told me.