I has been almost a year and half since d-day. Why can't I forgive him. I have tried and have been trying. How many other BS are finding it hard to forgive?

im not a BS but am the WS, but i know that my H is having a very hard time forgiving and letting go also. Im sure Bs will give you more posts...but this is from me <P>im apalled to say that my affair trail sucks. someone asked me a question, i answered it to be appalled at myself...and I wonder WHY?? he cant forgive and move on????<P>affair began...aug 1998, ended feb 1999, started back up in DEC 1999, ended may of 2000, all contact ended NOV 2000. it is now only July of 200l. and i wonder why he cant forgive??<P>i just know that now that in the past 8 months have worked hard to restore my marriage. but i see that my back path is filthy. <P>i cant even expect forgivenss....and im sorry for your pain.<P>mercy

In my situation, I focus on not forgiving the other women (especially OW#1.. a married former friend of mine..SLUT!! augh... sorry.. needed that). <P>I like to think that I have forgiven my H, but I'm obviously not done yet, because I'm still needing to talk about what happened and what can make it better for us. (we've been in recovery for just over 1 1/2 months now).<P>Thinking about the issue of forgiveness, I think that what is working for me, is to continue to take responsibility for my part in the environment that lead to my H choosing to have A's.<P>My H has been showing signs of regret. Although he hasn't actually come out and said those words, our talks have allowed me to 'read inbetween the lines' and hear his sorrow. Has your H done that for you? If it's been a while, then maybe that's what you need to hear from him... that he's sorry he hurt you.<P>I hope this helps some.<P>Karen<BR>

mon<P>I don't recall all the deatils of your story but if the main issue is forgiveness I think that's one you really *can* do something about.<P>I think (and this is my own $0.02) that you need to look at forgiveness as something YOU do for YOU.<P>I read somewhere that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. If you are struggling with forgiveness and resentment you are the one who will carry this with you forever and you don't want to do that. It will tear you up and eat at you 'til you are very bitter person. You have to let go. I know, easier said than done...but no one said this was easy. In fact it is very hard. Nonetheless for our own sakes (I am a BS) we have to try to forgive and leave resentment by the wayside if only to move on with our own lives. I don't know where I read the two items below but I have saved them and I think they apply.<P>"One of the greatest human virtues is the ability to forgive. It not only frees the sinner but enriches the life of the one who has been sinned against. Hanging onto old hurts and licking the wounds accomplishes nothing. It merely prolongs the pain."<P>"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."<P>Anyway---maybe they help, maybe not, but for YOU OWN sake, you must try to find forgiveness in your heart for YOU.<P>Good luck...<P>E

I am the BS. I find it very difficult too. But I think you just try to live with it the same way as people live with any pain. Forget buzzwords like forgive and forget. Just live with the pain and over time it is easier to live with it. There is no easy way to accept what someone did who supposedly loved their spouse. It was a weakness. It was a moment of not thinking. It was the most stupid thing a spouse could ever do. But they did it, it's done and now we have to think less and less about it and continue with life. Thinking about this doesn't help, divorce doesn't help. We have to accept things in this world aren't perfect and go on. Just bear the pain. Divert your mind to other things as much as you can. I am trying this anyway.

I am the BS. I find it very difficult too. But I think you just try to live with it the same way as people live with any pain. Forget buzzwords like forgive and forget. Just live with the pain and over time it is easier to live with it. There is no easy way to accept what someone did who supposedly loved their spouse. It was a weakness. It was a moment of not thinking. It was the most stupid thing a spouse could ever do. But they did it, it's done and now we have to think less and less about it and continue with life. Thinking about this doesn't help, divorce doesn't help. We have to accept things in this world aren't perfect and go on. Just bear the pain. Divert your mind to other things as much as you can. I am trying this anyway.

I am the BS. I find it very difficult too. But I think you just try to live with it the same way as people live with any pain. Forget buzzwords like forgive and forget. Just live with the pain and over time it is easier to live with it. There is no easy way to accept what someone did who supposedly loved their spouse. It was a weakness. It was a moment of not thinking. It was the most stupid thing a spouse could ever do. But they did it, it's done and now we have to think less and less about it and continue with life. Thinking about this doesn't help, divorce doesn't help. We have to accept things in this world aren't perfect and go on. Just bear the pain. Divert your mind to other things as much as you can. I am trying this anyway.