It's been a very long time since I visited this forum. Instead of going through all my history, I'll give you an abbreviated version and pick it up from the present. <P>My H and I have been married 24 years. My Dday was February 2000. From that day to mid-May of this year, I have encountered many discoveries of continued contact with OW, as well as, many promises that A was over - a long rollercoaster ride, to say the least. H moved out 3 times with OW and within a few days of every departure, he called and begged for my forgiveness. The most recent call came 8 weeks ago. He mad sooooo many promises and I expressed how affraid that history would just repeat itself, because I'd heard all of his promises and apologies before. But, he vowed THIS time it would be different. He outlined all that he knew that he need to do to prove his sincerity, remorse and trustworthiness. I relented and let him come home. The first week was absolutely everything he promised. I was on cloud nine thinking that this reconciliation was the "real deal" - at last.<P>But for the past 7 weeks he has been distant, angry, disrespectful and belligerant, to name a few......<P>What does this mean? Is he in a true delayed "withdrawl fog" or is he up to his old tricks? On average, how long will the fog last? Is there hope or am I hanging onto a dream?<P>After a year and a half of being the supportive, understanding, patient wife - I'm worn out and wondering if I should continue to stay the course or jump ship?<P>HELP!!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by juls59:<BR>[B]What does this mean? Is he in a true delayed "withdrawl fog" or is he up to his old tricks? On average, how long will the fog last? Is there hope or am I hanging onto a dream?[QUOTE]<P>Well, if there is no contact, he may just be going through the withdrawal from the affair.<P>Have your counseled with the Harleys by phone? It sounds like you have been to the well enough with the do-it-yourself stuff.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by juls59:<BR><B>HELP!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My opinion, and mine only (standard disclaimers apply) is that your husband has not "seen the light", his affair is still going on, he loathes himself but can't admit it so he projects all of that on you, oh mother of all worldly evil (that's a little joke among us betrayed spouses...)<P>Sounds like it's getting near Plan B time... Note that plan B is for YOU so that YOU don't lose all your love for your spouse during this time. <P>Bama

oops double post<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 16, 2001).]

I am by no means an expert, but definitely an experienced failure up to this point. I have been in my current situation for 2.5 years. I have been married for 9 years this month. I have made many horrible errors in my efforts in winning back my wife's love, honor and trust. I am the BS, so it seems, but regardless who did what so long ago... it’s nearly to the point of being moot. I contributed greatly to her leaving and not returning, over and over again. I didn't follow the rules of protection, joint policy agreement, couldn’t live with the pain during plan A, never went to plan b, I never did anything to help my marriage overcome the pain that she and I felt, due to our needs not being met. I have come to realize that over the past month or so.<P>All the while, I finally let everything I held inside burst. I became a horrible person to bear with, due to my selfishness, self-destructive behavior and jealousy. I have done so much to push her back into the OM's arms again that this time it’s probably permanent. Although he's been out of her life to some extent, he is now close to her again. I feel responsible for the road she chose because I wasn't there for her. I abandoned her for some time and I am not sure where to begin and tell you what to do. I can tell you to be patient. I was patient, withstanding the pain and frustration I had with myself and the A. Keep your patience and composer. Losing my composure I opened my mouth. I opened my mouth when I thought it she was never coming home. I was hurt, angry and lost. In here eyes, she says, she was ready to commit to me a month ago... until I lost it. The guilt I feel now brought me back to MB today. The pain that I have caused her she didn't deserve. She did alot wrong as did I. But I am just as much at fault as she is. I'm not making excuses for her, but she is worthy of some decency and respect because she is not here to defend herself. You may disagree, but then again, you don't know what I have done and the things I have said. Just because she strayed don’t make her a worse person than I have been. Truly, she is a wonderful person and mother, but I just couldn't get past the other person, the affair, our special situation, without a plan, a path of action.<P>Now that the OM is back, I can't imagine what I am going to do now. I suppose I could have let the idea of the OM go, but there was really no reassurance that everything between us would be okay, because of our special situation with him. I have been stupid. I feared coming back to MB, because at one time, it was purely a LB to her. I still love her and am in love with her. She loves me, rather or not she is in love with me I don't know. The OM is near her now, as she asked him to come to her. It was suppose to be me, she told me a month ago. I wasn’t there. When she was ready and I missed the opportunity. I learned of all of this recently this weekend. I don't know what to tell you. Get a plan, stick to it and keep your senses about you.<BR>

H2Y<P>Oh my God!!!! You sound just like me. Boy, I lost it last night. I went coo-coo on him. I can be calm one minute then the next BAM!!! I'm trying, though. It is very hard because I need and want answers and H won't give them to me. It's been 5 mos since my D-day. I have done and said horrible things to him, but I feel I have a right because of how he hurt me. I know I'm wrong but that how I feel sometimes. I think the ONLY thing that is going to get me thru this is TIME. I really see no hope for a reconciliation. I'm lost as to what I need to do.

Thank you all for your replies.<P>I mentioned to you that my H and I have been married for 24 years, but I didn't mention that today is our anniversary - not a happy one, though. My husband has yet to acknowledge it in any way.<P>This past weekend I planned a romantic getaway to a B&B. I made all of the arrangements and whisked my H off. He had no idea and was pleasantly surprised. It was nice, yet not complete. Intimacy is something I yearn for but my H avoids - even in a romantic setting. He doesn't initiate any touch, hug or kiss - much less sex. Says he just isn't interested. As I've said he's very distant. Not my loving H at all - haven't seen that side of him in months and months.<P>If I were an expert, I'd say my H is in a deep depression. My once go-get'em, happy-go-lucky, comedic H is lost. In his place is a man who has no ambition, escapes in sleep - naps all of the time! - has no desire, and would rather sit for endless hours in front of the TV than be put into a social situation. He takes no part in our finances, upkeep of our home or expresses no concern or interest in our kid's lives. Does this sound normal to you? I think not. I've expressed my concerned for his well being, but he thinks he's perfectly normal - ya right!! I can only liken it to an alcoholic - everyone around them can see they have a problem but the alcoholic. They are in complete denial - just like my H.<P>BamaAngst: I'm curious why you think he may still be in the throes of his affair? Could it be that he is ashamed for his actions and refuses to admit guilt? Would he rather turn the anger he has for himself on me to make himself feel less guilty? I have no doubt that he loathes himself, but I wonder if he treats me the way he does because that's his defense mechanism kicking in? It's easier to hide from your problems than to confront them.<P>I should also tell you that I have read all of the Harley books, have been to counseling and read every article on the subject of infidelity I can get my hands on. My H on the other hand refuses counseling or help of any kind. He doesn't have a problem, remember........<P>Still holding on - by a lose thread!!!!<P>Juls<P>

Juls,<P>How are things going?<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Hi H2Y!<P>Wow! someone actually cares...I thought my post got lost in the bowels of GQII. Thank you so much for your inquiry.<P>How am I doing? I ask myself that everyday. And the answer I keep coming up with is "I don't know." I am a very lost soul. I don't have my life partner there for me to provide the security, love, or shoulder to cry on like he used to. I am also a recent "empty nester" to top it all off. I am truly alone now - physically and emotionally.<P>I have plan A'ed my butt off for 18 months with all of the patience, love and understanding that is humanly possible. What has it gotten me? Emptiness, sadness and heartache.<P>Yes, my H is home (2 months of zero contact with OW so far....I think) and I should be grateful for that. But, he's only there in body - the rest of him must still be in a fog???? He tells me he feels nothing, wants to do nothing and has a "I don't give a s**t" attitude about everything. Depression, too?<P>I have been with this man for 26 years and married to him for 24. I can tell you right now, the man standing before me today is NOT the man I've loved and been with all of these years. One person said I should Plan B. Family and friends tell me I should throw in the towel and move on with my life. How do I do that? After all that he's put me through, I love him so much and can't even begin to imagine my life without him.<P>I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm sad....I just want to be normal again.<P>Juls

Boy, do I know that feeling. Am sort of in the same boat. What I am discovering though, is that you have to start enjoying life with just yourself. That is hard to do. I am having a hard time with it too. Luckily, I have great friends this time around that are helping me through this. It is fun to be able to laugh once in awhile. Maybe if you find things that make you happy...he will come around. If not, you will still be doing something. Just a thought