Spent a emotional week-end going over divorce laws and then telling WS that I needed time. Gave WS copies of LB and Agreement to read and work on this week. WS said no time to do this but wants to come home and have things as usual. I want that to, but know everything will be worse than before unless we go through the steps to help not hurt us. Has called several times today trying to get me to change mind. Need help and encouragement to stick to my descision this time. How do I get him to work on the LB and EN's?

The way we did it was scheduled several dates and on each date, we would fill out a few things at a time--not all at once. <P>I would have loved to just get everything done at once, but my husband is like yours and can only give so much time to something like this.<P>My suggestion is that you go to a nice place for either dinner or dessert and just spend some time reading the instructions or some of the information about the individual emotional needs you will be rating each other on, then answer those pages and review together while you eat.<P>Then, begin to work on meeting the needs you discussed and schedule the next date to cover the next few, or the love busters or whatever. It's a good excuse to date and Harley does talk about babysitting $$$ as a marital investment and it is worth it, if you have kids.<P>We didn't even get the book (His Needs/Her Needs) until after we had pretty much covered most of the information downloaded from the web. Nowadays, my husband asks me for "anything new from Harley's site?" And, he is very open to the material. Of course, I'm always carrying around something in my bag! Everything out here is so good.<P>There is so much information on the website, anything you choose to share will be helpful, I'm sure. And the more you know, the more you can put into practice when the going gets rough.<P>We have not had any affairs in our marriage, we are basically in prevention mode and Harley's information is working and helping us and I'm sure it will help you too!!!

Robert flat out refused to read anything. I'd have had more success in asking him to don a pink tutu and fly solo to the moon than to fill out an EN or LB questionaire. And, like most BS's, I thought "but how can we recover?"<P>Very nicely, I discovered. He doesn't HAVE to buy into the Harley principles as long as I know them and live them. He learned by example. He doesn't HAVE to fill out a questionaire. Many folks aren't honest on them anyway (me, included, btw) 'cause they're not all that honest with themselves, but I could spend my time watching and learning and get a real good idea as to what the lb's and en's are.<P>After months and months and my bringing little bits and pieces to him here and there, he's receptive to some things, but it did take a long time. And Harley's stuff isn't his preferred learning tools - Phil McGraw is. Go figure, with that no-nonsense attitude. To tell you the truth, the basics are pretty much the same, just different approaches. doesn't matter to me. But we still don't set it up as "working" on the relationship, we just talk about stuff here and there. Not nearly so intimidating to the fearful (like my h and yours! ).<P>So, you learn your stuff. Lead by quiet example. You'd be amazed at how very much you can accomplish. I also feel that he may be a bit more receptive as he heals...remember, he has a lot of healing to do as well.<P>If you decided it's a deal-breaker, then draw a hard line. But it may not be necessary to recover and recover beautifully.<P>Good luck!<P>Lori

Good post Lori, with you on that. <P>Lead by example - they (the WSs) will notice your changed behaviour and start asking questions anyway. My WS hasn't filled out anything and I haven't asked her. I have asked her about the aspects of my behaviour which are big LBs for her. She told me and I'm working on those.<P>My suggestion would be not to get hung up on pieces of paper. Get the concepts down (in your head that is) and live by those.<P>good luck,<P>

Well, miracles do happen. WS did fill out most of the papers although h did leave some blank. WS said we'd go back over them again at another time. I appreciate everyones sugggestions. but I will tell you it's hard to keep this up. Recently purchased His Needs, Her Needs in order to help understand his better. Was really suprised with his answers.# 1 was conversation. I try to call everyday and send cards and notes through the mail. Can anyone give me more suggestions? I don't know if I said earlier that we live in different cities and only see each other one night on the week-end. I've followed this road before with giving WS the space he required and he alway ended up in new A. I'm just afraid he'll get the wrong message again. Help!

rainbue,<P>MB principles say you need to be spending at least 15 hours a week together. That means 15 hours just the two of you. No kids, no friends, no family. If you're not doing this then you won't have the time to meet each others ENs.<P>When I did this calculation, it shocked me just how little time I was spending with my wife. It amounted to less than 2% of the available time for us, meaning about 1.5 hours a week. And we live in the same house !!!! We're currently doing about 12-15 hours a week and there's been a dramatic improvement.<P>HN/HN has a good chapter on conversation and provides some good guidance. Try starting with the how's your day been and work from there. My experience is that this works. I'm asking questions like how do you feel about this or that, what are your thoughts concerning this issue.<P>When and if you're feeling bold you can get into men's topics like football or cars :-) just joking. <P>take care,<P>Freddy

Freddie,<BR>WS comes home on Sat afternoons and leaves on Sunday afternoons. Maybe a total of 12 to 15hrs. During that time the yard work and other maintence around the house is done, laundry and etc. I've started to do the yard work or as much as I can to free up that time but when I do, WS decides to play golf since the yard's been done. Any suggestions?

I can relate to your husbands need to relax. After a week at work - and I'm in a pretty pressured role - I'm cream crackered. I need time to unwind. I also play Golf and this is a great way to relax but a 4 hour round (18 holes) takes such a chunk out of my weekend, so I had to prioritise. As my wife won't play golf, for the moment it's sidelined.<P>Have you tried being his recreational companion ? I'm sure you have but if he's determined to play golf and you're determined to be with him you could be his caddy. You could aslo learn to play golf yourself. It's a great game. If you can, try and share his interest - I really wish my wife would do this for me but that's another story. If you do, he'll love you to bits for it.<P>As far as the house chores are concerned can you get a cleaning person ? somebody to clean the house, do the laundry, sweep the yard that type of stuff. That way you leave the weekend free to spend with your hubby.<P>The other way to help him relax and unwind is sex. I'm sure you're doing this too but men can use sex to unwind. You can start with some good conversation, then, well you know :-)<P>take care.<P>

Freddie, <BR>Housework is not a problem since I'm by myself 6 out of 7 days. The laundry is his that he brings home to be washed, undergarments, the others go to the cleaners weekly. as for being his caddy, he plays with the "boys", no women allowed! The same boys that enabled him to have A. As for SEX, that's been out of the question. I initiated it last week and he turned me down. Any more suggestions? Just received word that a relative of his died but am afraid to call and tell him because he'll say I'm checking up on him.

You may want to check out my post on Plan A/B July 18th for a little history.