My saga started about 5 years ago when I had an affair on my husband. He found out and decided to work things out with me. Then two months after I had our second child he told me he hated me, called me a whore, I broke his heart and he could not live with me or come home to me any more. So I left, I could not take it any more. I could not eat or sleep. I could barely function. We had to file for bankruptcy and lost our house and car. Me and our two children moved in with my parents. I was under the understanding that we were going to work this out. I did not know at the time he was having an affair with a girl he worked with. When I found out I finally understood the range of emotions that cheating causes. I have not been normal since. I take paxil and still have trouble sleeping at night. I have been to counseling and read alot of books. We have been apart for almost two years. Neither of us filed for a divorce. He is still with the same girl and I have dated off and on. He has asked me numerous times for a 2nd chance and I always agree. But he never gets rid of her. I have plan A'd and plan B'd both. We have both lied and cheated on each other and done so many terrible things if feels like the only thing left between us in pain. Then on the other hand there is something about us that I can not let go of. He admits the same thing. He refused counseling and she stays with him most of the time so it is hard for me to talk to him. She is awful to me. He says that he cares about me and we could be happy together one day and the next day he says he is confused and doesnt know what he wants. I try very hard not to push him or do any love busters but it is hard for me. We have been together for 10 years and married for 6. Our oldest daughter is 10 and she has alot of problems. The baby is ok. When we moved home my mom was sick with cancer and she passed away in November. I am trying to deal with this the best I can but I am afraid I am just getting worse. Now he claims he is trying to get rid of her but she wont go away. He calls her phyco. He says when she is gone that he will give us another try. I have heard this soo many times, I cant take another let down. So guys, is there any hope? What can I do?? Please help me.<BR>

Lillee,<P>I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. You have come to the right place for support.<P>Your situtation is further proof that each marriage is unique, there are similarities and patterns that can be three are very important differences. <P>If you want to work on your marriage, I would think that you could continue to Plan A, with the understanding that you will welcome him home when, and only when, he stops all contact with his OW. Give him some time frame, like 3 months or 6 months. After that you file for divorcee and move on with your life. In the mean time just work on yourself. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Lillee...<P>You are certainly on the rollercoaster right now. If H is serious about *getting rid* of OW, I think you have only one choice...put up a united front, and get rid of her together. I guess in a way, it is testing, but I feel in your case it is warranted. Tell him if he truly wants that second chance, if he truly wants to get rid of her, then he must do it with you. Tell him to write the NO Contact letter to OW and allow you to read it. Go with him to mail it to her, or hand deliver it. Read the principles and guidelines here in MB. I think with him waffling so much, you will have to go slow, but if he knows you two are going to support each other, he just might be ready. His anger, although directed at you, is his own at what he has done. Yelling at you, only allowed him more of his own internal pain that he doesnt know how to deal with just yet. Are you two in counselling now? You might want to seek out some help. Keep the faith!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart