I was reading your post and remember you posting from time to time, but I don't believe I have read of your situation. Could you please share? I searched through your posts, but have yet to come across your story. <P>Thanks in advance.

Hello Raskal....your name is quite familiar. I really don't pop in here very much anymore...other than to just read and...be reminded.<P>I am hesitant to really share many details of 'my story'. I have my reasons.<P>I betrayed the trust of my wife and strayed from my marriage vows. I became deely involved, emotionally, with another woman. For all practical purposes, I would not be able to deny that 'adultery' was involved, even though the relationship was never consummated. But the desire had been there for a long time, for both myself and the other person I was involved with. Personally, I believe adultery takes place well before any clothes ever come off.<P>But I gave my heart to another woman, and I never in a million years would have thought I could have done this. I use to express shock and puzzlement over others who did...wondering: "What in the world were they thinking?" <P>I found out.<P>It has been quite a learning experience. I hope some good will come out of it all one day. The emotional toll it has taken on several people...has yet to be tallied completly.<P>I'm not even sure I can look at the whole ordeal objectively. I am still attempting to untangle my heart. It is a difficult and tedious process. <P>The scriptures talk about the weary path of the 'doubleminded'. I know all too well about this weariness.<P>I do believe that most of these improper relationships are rooted in selfishness though.<P> My marriage and life was getting drowned out by the busy-ness of life and raising kids and such. There were little warning signals that we (wife and I) ignored. It was a gradual decent for me. <P>I think Harley really offers some practical insight about meeting needs in the marriage. Another book I read recently spoke of having a 'well ordered heart'. When your heart is lined up properly, then not only are you least likely to fall into sin, but the desire to sin is minimal if existent at all. I used to be in that place. It was a safe place.<P>With all the attention on the congressman lately, the talk shows have been 'loaded for bear' regarding men who who stoop so low to betray their own wives. I listen with a pained heart. But I also understand so well...how it happens. You will never catch me throwing stones.<P>Heard an intersting comment today on one of the shows. Talked about how in the Orthodox Jewish community, the divorce rate is like 1 %. And these are ARRANGED marriages. The reason for the success of the marriages is that from early childhood, these kids are taught that marriage...and true love is not about 'getting'...but 'giving'...serving one another in love. Hmmmmmm...interesting concept, eh? <P>And I would think that most people who stray from their marriages, would probably suggest it stemmed from 'something' they were not "getting" at home....and that list can be long to choose from.<P>One of the reasons I am hesitant to share many of the details of my story is regardless of how it happened, or how sorry I am or feel...I was wrong. Period. No excuses. <P>There is the temptation to write the details in such a way that would try to defuse the wrath and anger from other readers. If I shared the depth of pain I feel, not only for my betrayal of my wife, but also the incredible pain I have brought on this other woman...and the difficulty it has been to totally remove her from my heart...well...it just muddles the facts. <P>I opened a door...that I should have never opened. And I will never be the same for it again.<P>Sorry to ramble here...just...one of those evenings.<P>~sigh~

Wow. thank you for sharing, lighthouse. I don't know what to say. I wish my WH could read that. Maybe I can get him to read it. thank you. That touches my heart. Yes, some good will come out of the whole situation. God can use you in many ways. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Raskal...<P>You aren't alone here as a WS, and there is no judgement and wrath. There is hope and support...I am a WS and have found more help here than the many hours I could be sitting in someones office telling them the sad details of my pain, as well. Don't be afraid to come here and get things off your chest, your mind, or your heart!! If you have questions, ask them. If you have comments, share them. If you have feelings, show them! The road to recovery takes many twists and turns...There is a MBer on every turn!<P>If you need some reassurance that other WS know from whence you came....please read....and dont be afraid to be here...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html<P>Take your time and read and respond....<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart<BR>

Faith1<P>Saw your response on my other thread suggesting that book. I do hope you get it...and perhaps you can pray that your husband will read it as well...just ask God to prepare his heart for it. <P>True heart...I think you meant to address your response to me? Thanks for the words of support!

so sorry lighthouse...yep it was meant for you!!

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply, Lighthouse. <P>I have more questions (just a few), but am VERY tired and cannot think straight. I will try and reply more coherently this evening. <BR>

Okay, I think I am coherent now. Lighthouse, my first question is, I am just curious why my name is familiar? I don't post very much, so I was wondering.<P>I really appreciate your thoughtful reply and understand why you don't want to include details. <P>So, are you in recovery with your wife? I hope so. Have you stopped all contact with the OW? <P>Is there anything we, the board, can do to help you in this process? It sounds like you certainly have made progress, from your post. <P>I have more questions, but I am hesitant to ask, since you are relunctant to share details and I want to respect that privacy.

Gentle bump up.

Raskal...<P>Just in here for a second...won't be able to respond until tomorrow...not avoiding you...I promise!

Lighthouse, thank you.

Raskal,<BR> <BR>Thanks for sharing your story. For me it is a releif to hear your story and your resolution to bring some form of restitution for the pain and A causes. It has helped me understand what my H is thinking.<BR>Thanks again<BR>JuJu

Raskal...<BR>...about your name being familiar...I've bounced in and out of here for some time...just remember reading some of your posts, that's all. There's lots of new names here...so the older names kind of 'stick out' some...that's all.<P>You asked..in the same breath if I was in complete recovery with my wife...and successful in breaking off all contact. <P>Well...not sure how to answer that...if there was 'any contact' with the OW...then that would probably answer the first question regarding 'recovery with my wife'. Most would agree that there can be no healing or recovery at home unless the contact with other person is completely severed. Let me just say this...I have not reached the point of absolute-zero contact. But I do believe that some positive strides have been made.<P>I would agree that ideally, it is best when there is a complete break off. And I continue to move in that direction and am confident that this will be resloved for everyone involved. Granted, it's hard to pay off a credit card if you keep using it...so I am not totally deceiving myself. Also...this would have to be described as an "EA". I don't say that to make it sound less damaging...but it is less complicating in some regards for sure. <P>Just answering the questions you asked. Not much anyone can do for me here...I know what I need to do. And I am getting there.

Thank you for the response, Lighthouse.<P>It is very sad to see so many new faces, due to the circumstances we are all here. It is good to have this wonderful place to post, learn and grow...new and old alike, though.<P><BR>I guess I was a bit redundant in my questions, eh? Sorry about that. Contact is contact is contact as you well know (like you mention in your post). <P>When I was searching for your story, I saw how long you had been here and was hoping you were well on your way in recovery. I am sad to see you are not, but very glad you are making progress. From a former WS who had an EA via the internet, I know how difficult withdrawal, letting go of the OP and recovery can be. <P>Sorry we cannot be of service to you, please know we are here for you. Thanks again for your thoughtful replies and taking time out to do so. Take care.<P><BR>