I liked nw's thread about how hate is not healthy. I hated the OM my wife had an affair with, and I did let it almost destroy me. Instead of trying to figure out what had gone wrong, I spent all my time trying to hate the OM more everyday. I thought about the OM more than i did my wife. Pathetic!<BR>I wish now that I didnt, such precious time lost, thinking of someone who has caused me pain, meanwhile he has gone on with his life, not thinking twice about me.<BR>The anger was intense, I spent alot of time wanting to defend her, but I knew that was not my job, it was hers. She got into this mess, and in order for her to learn what a mistake it was, I had to let HER do the work she needed to do to move on.<BR>For those who still have the OP involved in their lives, your anger and hate is justified. But to those who have the OP out of the picture now, and who are working to rebuild their marriages, the hate and anger is taking time away from what you need to be thinking about, how to help your spouses repair the damage, finding out why this happened, building a better marriage.This is more important than spending all your time thinking about and hating the OP.<BR>Just my thoughts, back to work now <BR>Ian<BR>

sounds good to me!<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

You know I agree! Thanks...

Oh Boy where do I begin? We are six mth into<BR>recovery. My H is doing everything possible<BR>to make amends. He is so sorry for what he did, and how much he hurt us. He hates the bimbo he had an affair with and does not understand WHY he would go there.Totally out of character for him. Actually he refers to her as nothing more than a whore.It was basically to get his needs met while I had been living in another state. No passion,love<BR>intimacy,romance. She was in it for the free ride ( drinks & dinner at co's expense).I have never ever hated someone as much as I hate her.She knew, and my H made it quite clear that he loves me more than anyone and<BR>anything.Still she went after him and one night after heavy consumtion of alcohol she seduced him.My H was not out looking to have an affair.He was alone for quite a few month<BR>became depressed,lonely and vulnerable. I have so much hate and it is taking over me. I have become obsessed and the strong desire to get even.I want her to pay for what she did. I want her to have a life of hell.I would like to put her through a meatgrinder. I know you will say it is up to god to punish her but I can not wait.I am steaming, my face is beat-red, my heart is racing while I am typing this. I AM ANGRY AND HURT to the core of my soul.Any advise on how I can put this behind me is greatly appreciated.<BR>Thank you for listening<BR>god bless<BR>

Suzy Q....<P>My H & I are 6-1/2 months of recovery and I feel the same way you do...don't know how to get rid of this resentment....but, maybe time and my H's love & commitment to our marriage will be the answer.....

IOH,<P>Thanks for this encouraging thread and confirmation. Remaining focused on the wrongs that have been done to us can be paralyzing and yes, such a waste of time. I'm glad you're on your way to a brighter future. Feels much better, doesn't it? <P>SuzyQ and NoTrust,<P>First of all, what you guys are feeling is normal. The fact that you want to get the hatred out of your heart's is a very positive thing, and I think over time you will be able to. <P>It is a process, like many of the others say. But, it is also a process that some people get stuck in. We all know the stories of family feuds that continue for years and years, and grudges that sometime last a lifetime. Don't let that happen to you. If your spouses are home with you, committed to rebuilding, don't let the OP remain a part of your lives by carrying hatred for her. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Ian...thanks! You are so right and that is exactly what I am trying to do these days. I wake up every morning vowing not to give any power to the OW and most days I do great. My goal is to wake up soem morning and not even give a thought to OW and I think I'm getting there!<P>------------------<BR>Joan

To No Trust -one more thing<BR>I read in your profile that you are from New York. I was living in New York and my H was transfered to another state when all this mess <BR>started ( two month before I moved ).<BR>He had been living alone for about eight month and some low life corn-fed, fat-[censored]<BR>piece of **** thought wow let me see what it's like with a New Yorker (Hoping it's maybe her ticket out of here ).Anyway, I hate<BR>that Whore.<BR>You are also about six mth into recovery.Thank you for being honest about still being very angry and full of hate.<BR>We just can't help it .To follow thru with getting rid of the hate is easier said than done. It haunts us every day .<BR>Let's keep in touch!!! We can comfort each other.You know what I was just thinking?<BR>We New Yorkers are a tuff breed and these<BR>two Whores are going to get our wrath. <BR>

SuzyQ,<P>Just wondering. How are are you going to get the two whores? What do you plan to do to them? Be careful because a friend of mine ended up spending a night in jail because she tried to "get that whore" in her H's life. Instead of being the "good guy," you can become the bad guy real quick. The cops and courts don't want to hear "why" you hate someone, they don't care what that person did to you, who they slept with, etc. All they care about is breaking the law, and that includes criminal AND civil law. So, be very careful.