The sky outside fits my mood today.....cloudy....no sun in sight...and it looks like it could rain any minute.<BR>Would that I could think that they sky would open up and cry for me....and my 3 daughters and the pain that we are all feeling today. They are different today. <P>They woke up without their usual perkiness and seem to not want to do anything today.....but fight with each other.<BR>Our oldest daughter is so angry at her father....she feels like he doesn't love her and doesn't care about her or her feelings. She is mad at him for telling her that he can't stand her mother and that he can't live with her. No matter how much I try to reassure her....she doesn't believe that he truly does love her. She loses her temper easily with her sisters.....raises her voice hatefully at them.<BR>Our middle daughter is confused. I've spent the last couple of weeks trying to prepare her for her first visit to the eye specialist. She is trying to understand that and everything else that is going on......it's just too much for her. If she doesn't get her way she will cry and cry and nothing you can do stops it.....so I have no choice other than to let her cry it out. It hurts so much to see her doing this.<BR>Our youngest daughter is developing an attitude from hell. If you do something she doesn't like she screams and kicks...and has become even more physically abusive to her sisters. Even the smallest things make her mad.<P>I'm doing my best.....trying to show them that they are loved....but it's so hard spreading my time out between the three of them...and getting a little time to myself. They never want the same thing at the same time....are always wanting to go in different directions. I'm reassuring them that their daddy does love them...and does care for them.....but their aren't buying it.<P>Nobody can tell me that divorce is the best thing in my situation....I'm already seeing what it's doing to my children. They will hold resentment for the rest of their lives. For their father because he left and will not come home....and for me because I cannot bring him home. It's a no win situation.<BR>My youngest daughters will grow up remembering nothing of their father but the times that they visit with him. My oldest will grow up remembering the lies and the pain he's caused. Nobody can tell me that is a healthy way for children to grow up.<BR>Everything will change for them....their attitudes....their outlooks on life.....their respect for others.....their lifestyle.....their friends. He doesn't seem to understand or care what affect this will have on them. Who gave him the right to decide MY future?<BR>Who gave him the right to decide that I would do this on my own.....with only occasional help from him. He cannot convince me that he only thinks of his children or that they mean everything to him.<P>I have no choice but to accept that he is filing for divorce....to contest it or not sign the papers will just make him more angry at me. He already thinks I'm trying to keep his children from him to hurt him. How he thinks I could do that to someone I love dearly....I do not know....but he thinks I'm out to destroy him....when all I really want is the chance to help him....and our marriage.<P>I'm crashing.....I can feel it. I thought we were seeing some light at the end of the tunnel....and then the train hit me. I cannot do this....I do not want my marriage to end....I think it's worth saving.....but to my husband....I'm not worth trying for.....and he can't stand the sight of me.<BR>

(((((( Miss Priss )))))))<P>I am so sorry you are feeling so down today. I wish I could whisk you and your girls up here for the day.. it's sunny and warm.<P>I agree, that yes, your daughters are acting out the only ways they know how in dealing with the situation between mum and dad. But don't discount the weather entirely. Think back to 'better days'... kids are just prone to be more restless on uggy days (is that a word? grin). Heck, I'm the same way (it hits me the most in the winter... I assume I have mild S.A.D.).<P>Is there any way you could seek some counselling for your girls? It's too bad that school is out right now, because I'm sure they would have been able to help you out in finding something.<P>IMO, what your daughters need right now is something you cannot give them... their daddy's love. And that hurts like hell!!! There is nothing you can do about that. The best you can do is to get your H to spend more time with them. Alone time. Without you around (but I still don't suggest overnights yet).<P>He is their father. He has equal responsibility in their raising. If he is so dumb to think that you're trying to keep his girls away from him, then put it to him legally. Get a consult on visitation suggestions (did you see my posts on that before?), and maybe show him what it would REALLY be like to get a D. (it's a bit of tough love from what I've been told).<P>Here's the url:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010650.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010650.html</A> <P>Let me know what you think.<P>Karen<BR>

Hiya MP...<P>I am so sorry for what you are going through!! You have driven the wagon train about as far as you can, and I understand your hopelessness right now! Rest assured, behind those clouds is that bright sunny sky you long for! <P>I have read your post, more than once now, and something strikes me....it is time for YOU, too. I know the welfare of your daughters comes first, but if you are not healthy, they will never be. Yes, they are going to act out and be angry right now. I wonder if you could do a couple of things and sort of test your waters for me??...<P>First off, reread your post and where you have put the words they, them, daughters...reinsert my, I, and me..<BR>For instance...Everything will change for me, my attitudes, my outlook on life, my respect for others...<BR>Your world is fast changing and you cannot hold your girls together in what was...You need to stay one step ahead of them and your love and hopes for their future will allow you to do just that! <P>Instead of convincing them that their Dad loves them, show them how much you do. Don't talk negatively about him, (which I am sure you dont), but dont let him off the hook either. If they are to feel loved by him, he will have to prove it to them. Just saying it, dont make it so. They will grow up and draw their own perceptions and beliefs of him, based on his actions! It is time to, maybe, face the fact that life as you all knew it is over and done with. Challenge yourself and your girls to start new routines, make new memories and if their father is included in them, it is a bonus. I fully understand the anger in the household, and I also know that you can stem the tide and take your daughters in a diffferent direction; a healthier one. The anger will subside, and the girls will, in time, learn to count on each other and grow closer. Right now, YOU are the one constant in their lives!! I applaud your strength and efforts so far, and I know you will bring them through this. Take a night every now and again for that bubble bath and some candles to recharge!! You can do it!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

Thank you for posting that.<P>It gave me some insight and was very close to what I was thinking of on visitation.<BR>To this point I have been letting him come see them when he wants......but I'm going to put a stop to it if he's going to file.<BR>My only thing is....I don't want him to have our daughters on the same weekends that she has her children......trying to work that out. He has already gotten it worked out where he doesn't have them when she doesn't have hers.....but I know her schedule now....I plan to change that. <BR>If my life has to be ruined....his won't be happy either.<BR>Why should we suffer so he can think he's happy.

Even if they both have their kids on the same weekends, what would that really matter? You're talking of revenge, by doing your best to make him have them so that they will interfere with his time with OW. What makes you so sure that putting all of the kids together would be so easy for them? I'd make a schedule based on what YOU want for YOU... not something to make things harder on your H and the OW. It's you that needs some time to yourself... try to let go of the energies your focusing on them... aim them back to you. You need it more than anyone in your situation.<P>Do yourself a favour though, and don't allow too many visitations in your home. That will be what makes it easier on him. Give him the job of parenting again. Let him decide what they can do.. outside of your home. Offer to give him various toys (if your house is like mine, there are more than enough to share...grin) to keep at his place. Better yet, have the girls pick and choose the things that they would like to have there. Having some of their things at his house when they're not around would be a great reminder to him on what he's missing out on with them... the everyday (so called) little things... those are the things that make parenting such a grand experience.<P>Keep in mind, my advice to you is based on what I found was best for me. You have to do what's best for you. But you already know that. <P>Karen<BR>

What really bothers me right now about him visiting with them where he lives is the fact that he is staying with my sister. Not permanently....because she is going through a divorce and bankruptcy....so she will be moving soon.<BR>He has nowhere to go after that....he cannot afford a place of his own.<BR>He won't be able to keep the girls at night at all if he moves in with her......she lives in a 2 bedroom apartment. <P>I have 2 reasons for not wanting my children to be around her.....one of course if obvious. The other is because she is an admitted drug user.....I will not put my children in that kind of environment...and can't believe my H got involved with someone like that anyway.<BR>I'm not doing anything for revenge......I love him to much to be thinking about revenge. He's just had it so easy....and isn't doing anything to make it easy on me.....so why should I be easy now?<BR>He hadn't said one word about divorce himself....only if I brought it up.....until I made him mad and wouldn't let him have his way.

Another thing.....I'm so scatterbrained today.<P>The whole situation with him staying with my sister.<P>Will that not confuse them even more. Why is daddy living with mommy's sister? This whole thing is just so confusing.<BR>I didn't think it was a good idea anyway...for him to stay with her......because there are already rumors flying around where they work....I knew that would happen.<P>This is just too much.<P>

Your sister never should have let him stay with her. It's obviously too late for that.<P>As far as the admitted drug use by the OW... even if your kids were to go to her place (should your H move in with her), do you think he is that much in the fog that he would expose them to that? If so, then you've got an even more difficult situation here. But don't forget, in the case of drug use, alcohol, and physical/verbal abuse, the MB principles don't apply the same way.<P>I wish I could take away all of these thoughts from you.. even just for a day. That's impossible. We can't even do that on our own, so there ain't a hope in hell that someone can do it for us. That's still my wish for you today though.<P>Even if he doesn't have a home to take them to, he can still take them out. Especially now. It's summertime. The weather is generally warm, and there are so many activities to do. Yes, many require money... but maybe the fact that he doesn't have any on his own will give him more food for thought.<P>I can't remember, have you read SAA? If not, you really ought to find it.. and soon. It'll be one of the best investments you've ever made. There is a lot of "John and Sue" in you and your H. <P>For the time being... do something that will exert your energy physically. When you get home, move some furniture around... couches are good. They tend to be the heaviest, and you can beat on them and they turn out okay. And of course, keep on posting your frustrations on here. Somehow, putting things into words on paper (or online in this case), really can help put things into perspective, or at least just get them out of your system for a bit.<P>Karen<BR>

MP,<P>I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. I understand about the weather. I had a bad day Sat. and Sun. was dark and dreary here, Sunny Florida!!, and it really got me down. I just kind of bummed around, I hope for your sake you have better weather soon.<P>I really don't have much advice for you. Being new and all but I just wanted you to know that I have been following your story and I care and worry about you and your girls.<P>I dn't know where you live but do they have legal separations in your state? It sounds like your family could use some legal intervention. Maybe getting visitation set up legally would help matters some, although like you said, where would he take them? Someone posted here about there H staying at their house and the W leaving for the week-end or what ever. Perhaps that would that work in your case. It would give you some time to yourself and let him experience some of what you have been going through. <P>As far as your sister, that sucks. I am sorry I don't have anymore advice but just wanted you to know that I care.<P>R