The synopsis of my story which I originally posted in Just found out...<BR>The day before fathers day I found a card that was from the OW...his secretary. Card was 1 year old and mixed in with some old bills. I flipped out, cried and confronted him. He disclaimed all knowledge of the card and who it could be from and denied everything. A few weeks passed (good weeks) and the day before our planned family vacation H put his wedding band back on after almost 2 years of not wearing it.<BR>The vacation went fine until I found a phone card in his pocket. I again confronted and he said he bought it in case of an emergency. Made no sense to me but the card hadn't been used and he had been with me or one of our children the entire time there. We're back home and H is being very loving and kind. Yesterday he returned to work and I felt very anxious all day. He came in after work, on time, and hugged and kissed me. This morning he woke for work and asked me what was wrong. I calmly told him that I was stressed about him being at work and not knowing for sure if his secretary was the OW that sent the card or who it was. He said "there is no one and I'm trying each day to prove that to you and make you know I love you". I don't know how to handle this..do I push for him to stop denying he knows about the card (how could he not know after all?) or do I just go with it and try to forget? Sorry this is so long but I'm really confused as to what I should do here.

Be careful not to push him into something that isn't there. I can't say or tell whether he has an OW or not. Communicat with him about how the card made you feel. Regardless whether there was merit to your suspicions. <P>Let him know that you are sorry for assuming there was something going on and how you just couldn't bear the thought that he might have been wayward. <P>Counseling with someone a few times might be of some help to recover from this.<P>What kind of card was it? Can you share the subject matter? Ie., 'thinking of you', 'miss you', 'congratulations'? That might help us guide you better.<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 17, 2001).]

The card was a father's day card, dated June 2000. It read "when you hold me close and look into my eyes I know how much you love me, Happy Father's Day my love". It was signed Love Always (no name signed). Also it was addressed to him by his name and it wasn't mailed as there was no address on the envelope, therefore I assume it was handed to him.<BR>I gave the card to him when he came home and he turned very red but he said "I have no idea where that came from". I have brought it up several times since. I have calmly told him how upset it made me to think he was unfaithful even if just an EA. I have tried explaining how hard it is not knowing for sure who SHE is. He insists he doesn't know who the card is from. But I KNOW that women do not write things like this without some type of relationship or some kind of encouragement. I have told him it's hard not knowing what I'm up against and that without the truth, it's hard to trust or believe him about anything. He still denies it. I'm just really confused and totally stressed out about this. I don't think he's ever going to admit to anything.

Hi TD,<BR> I wish I could offer better advice but I'm new at this too. I believe your H was in an emotional affair. What you need to know is if it's over and I don't know how you can make him tell you. Have you tried writting him a letter telling your feelings? Might be worth a try. Good Luck

Denial is the first reaction of most men. You can not beat it out of him and you cannot nag him into telling. I think you know what the truth is, so you just have to move on from there. No you are not crazy, he was up to something. Now you have to deciede if it is more improtant that you find out the details or more imprtant to save your marriage.<P>Read the info on this site, plan A, emotional needs, and follow it. Sounds like he is now open to working on your marriage so take advantage of that. Fill out the questionaires togethere and see how you both are doing in giving each other what you need in your marriage, consider phone counseling for just a few sessions with the Harleys to make a plan for strengthening your marriage.<P>In time, if he feels safe enough to be honast with you , you may find out the truth. But you know right now, that some woman was willing to give your H admiration and love and ego boosting.... find out what he needs and provide that yourself.<BR>Lora

Thanks Lost and Lora. I read, read and re-read the Plan A info today. It's pretty much what I am doing now. H refuses to do any of the questionaires but he is talking a little more, still in total denial though. I try not to nag him and I'm doing pretty well but when he asks why I look sad I DO tell him how hard it is not knowing the truth about what I'm up against. I'm going to talk to him about counseling tonight.

I think you need to ask yourself seriously what would you would do if you had the truth...<P>You don't have to wait for the truth to act on what you want. The truth usually comes, but it is better that you create an atmosphere that makes your husband feel safe enough to tell you the truth.<P>It sounds like whatever happened is in the past, but your husband doesn't feel safe enough to share it with you. <P>

My "need to know" comes from the fact that I am not sure who the OW is. I believe it's his secretary and if that's the case, he is with her daily. I don't want details. I just want to know who I am up against. who was it that said "Know thy enemy"?

Alright, <BR>your need to know is not "that" he had an affair, you've decided he has, right?<BR>So you want the marriage to work, right? <BR>So you will follow plan A, right?<BR>So plan A says no selfish demands or disrespectful judgements, eliminating all lovebusters...<BR>So, if what you suspect is true, what will you do? I think that is your first step.<P>So, let's say "yes, it is the secretary". What will you do different than plan A? If he isn't at the point of full honesty, he certainly isn't going to make any other changes, (like job, relocating, getting rid of secretary - which could be sex. harrassment, etc.) <P>I think you need to expect less and work harder at this point.<P>TnT

Thanks TnT. Good advice and I see your point. I'll be plan A'ing til I drop