Since my wife came home last week, I've been Plan A'ing with all my might. I have found evidence of her still contacting him through email, but I haven't brought it up. She would just deny it and cause more LBers.<P>I am going to give it time, and have worked extremely hard at figuring out just what I haven't been giving her. She has responded well and has expressed her love and desire for me very often. But she tells him in emails that when she is with me that she wishes she were with him instead. This is the hardest thing to swallow. I just have to be the man she wants and if she does indeed love me, then she will chose me over him.<P>ok, but on to the Subject... I've realized some mistakes I've been making. I always wanted to be a good husband to my wife, but I think I have been going at it the wrong way. I give her freedom and don't ask much from her in return. I make enough money to pay our bills and she hasn't worked since we got married. She was going to go to college, but I never pushed her to go, and she was nervous about going, so she hasn't gone. I never complained that she rarely cooks dinner or irons my shirts, etc. I just ate it all and let her be herself. I thought I was doing the right thing.<P>Now I don't think I was doing the right thing. Not only did my actions allow for her to drift away from me, emotionally, and get involved with this other man, but I think she also has felt un-needed, unloved and unecessary from me, despite my pledges of undying love towards her. She probably hasn't felt like she has been contributing anything to our little family of two and it has left her empty and depressed. At least to the OM, she made him happy by fulfilling his desires and needs (Yeah, his need for forbidden excitement) but to me, I think she truly hasn't felt like she means much to me.<P>So she got a job last week. It is a retail job and she is tired when she comes home, but I think it is making a difference in her self-steem and sense of worth. She did make a comment last night that her payrate is so low and seems trivial compared to mine, but I said that at least it was a step in the right direction and that things would develop and get better with time. What I should have said was that I appreciated it, no matter how little it is. I need to show how much I need her. Because that is the truth. I need her. SO badly. Why do I need her? I don't know. I need to figure out exactly that. I love her so much and I can't stand to be without her. She understands me and can be so loving sometimes. Yet she also has the ability to really hurt me and has developed the ability not to feel guilty about doing that.<P>My reason for posting this topic is twofold...<BR>1) To possibly point out an error other spouse's may be making, in thinking that they are being caring and loving, yet are depriving their spouse of that true sense of worth and love.<P>and<P>2) I want to ask what ways can I show her that I truly need and appreciate her? Flowers and "I love you's" haven't worked for the past two years, so I don't see why they would now. She obviously needs something more. How do I give that to her? Especially while I am trying to block out the fact that she is still having a hard time letting the OM go and that contact is still occuring.<P>Sorry for the long post. Lot on my mind, I guess.<p>[This message has been edited by GodlyMan (edited July 17, 2001).]

Hi, GM. Glad your wife is making some positive steps in her life. It will make a difference for the 2 of you.<P>You realized what you should've said - just love her and appreciate her JUST THE WAY SHE IS. Tell her what you told us - that you love being with her - she makes you feel good. I can't remember your story - kids and all - but help her with the house and the kids. Since she is working, she will be tired. Can you rub her feet? Her back? Send her to get her hair done? Massage? Manicure/pedicure? just some ideas. Keep on with the occasional cards and flowers not too many - they work on most women - even if it doesn't seem like it. Talk to her about HER and her job - if you think she needs to. Ask her about her day. Just listen and empathize - don't fix her problems for her.<P>Have you asked her "I can see you're tired from working today, what can I do for you?"<P>And pray for her! God will continue to make these changes in her, and will teach you what to do as well through your prayers.<P>Just some ideas. I'm sure you'll get more.... Hang in there. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

This sounds really silly, but write her a loveletter and mail it. I love getting letters from my husband.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Our "family of two" is just her and I. =)<P>We don't have any children yet and are planning on waiting until she finishes college. So if that is four, five years from now, that is when it will be. (God willing)<P>Those are good pieces of advice on how to show my appreciation for her. I did massage her feet last night when we went to bed. I massaged them until she fell asleep, hehe. Then this morning she had to get up early and was kind of grumpy, so I just kept my distance and hugged her goodbye when she left and wished her a great day. As soon as she left, I left a message on her cell phone so that she would get it at work just saying I loved her so much and would be thinking of her all day.<P>So I just got back from lunch and she left me a message as well! She started by apologizing for how grumpy she was this morning, and then said that she didn't know why, but that she had been thinking of me more than usual that day. She then started crying and told me again that she loved me with all her heart and for me never to forget that.<P>I don't think I ever will

A snail mail letter! That is an awesome idea!! Thank you!!

Wow! What a good response from her! I am crying. I hope my WH comes comes out of his fog soon. I miss him so much. Sounds like you are definitely doing the right things. Keep it up!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

GM...<P>Are there little things around the house that she does on a regular basis that she hates doing? Maybe helping out, even a small bit more than usual, especially now that she is working will allow her to feel you like being a team?<P>How about making her a meal? Doing the dishes or helping her do them? <P>And don't forget...on her way out the door in the morning, tell her how great you think she looks!!<P>Keep it up...the fog is beginning to clear!<P>Trueheart

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GodlyMan:<BR><B>But she tells him in emails that when she is with me that she wishes she were with him instead. .]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>IMO, if she really felt that way, then she'd do something about it, and wouldn't be with you at all. She's still trying to fulfil OM's EN's, and telling him what he wants to hear.<P>Once she can break off contact altogether, then those same energies can and will be focused on you, her, and the marriage. <P>As far as figuring out what it is you need to give her, have you done the EN questionnaires with her yet? That will make it easier on you to know. It's a lot better than guessing, that's for sure.<P>It sounds like you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!<P>Karen<BR>

All the encouragement is definitely making me feel more confident in our future. But the fact that she still talks to him nearly every day, sneaking around, tells me that the fog still hasn't lifted quite yet. And won't for a while. But the fact that she is responding to me in these ways either tells me that my wife belong in Hollywood if she is that good of an actress, or that she does indeed love me sincerely and wants our marriage to work. <P>I sincerely believe it is the latter. And the reason she persists with contact with the OM is because she just can't let go of the memories they have. He is also very pushy with her and doesn't have a lot of concern for our marriage. He tells her that he understands that she needs time and space, to rebuild her marriage, but then he turns around and sends her an email, telling her how torn he is, and how much he misses her, and she comes right back.<P>I am not a competitive person. I never have been, it is simply not my nature. But I am going against my own nature and I am going to just be all I can be to her. I am going to pull her out of the fog.<P>That way, if I don't, and she remains in the fog, then I know we weren't meant to be. And no one will be able to say I didn't try.<P>I can't wait to go home and see her again =)<P>Thank you all so much!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B> IMO, if she really felt that way, then she'd do something about it, and wouldn't be with you at all. She's still trying to fulfil OM's EN's, and telling him what he wants to hear.<BR>Karen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You could be very right. (I hope you are) I hope she is just saying those things to make him happy. She does say a lot of things, just to get a reaction from him.<P>I read one of her conversations with him in which she described an intimate encounter she had with me, and prodded if it made him jealous. She is toying with him as much as he is with her, and that fact almost gives me comfort in that their EA was not as deep as it could have been.<P>I can't really get her to read anything on this site, or do questionaires, or seek counseling, or do anything that might ensure that her affair is over. She just doesn't have the willpower yet. I even asked her straight out, "Why are you afraid to go to counseling? Are you afraid it will work?" and she said yes. Like you guys said, if and when she does break contact with him, and focus on my EN's instead of his, then she will be more willing to work harder and do things like the EN questionairre.<P>I'm trying to be patient, though! And positive signs like these are helping me along!<P>