I am curious as to whether any WS's out there ever lost<BR>their sexual desire for their spouse and were able to regain it?<P>In my other post, I described my situation. My H and I haven't been intimate in a very long time. <P>That is one of my greatest reservations in considering the future of our marriage. I feel care, concern, friendship, and love for my H. I simply do not have a sexual desire for him. <P>Has anyone been in a similar situation from which they recovered? <P>

Are you asking about physical sexual desire, or emotional sexual desire, or both?<P>My WH found me physically attractive, but emotionally, he couldn't handle it. Oh, we still did the "nasty"... but being human, we were only satisfying our own sexual urges. Granted, SF is way up there on both of our lists of EN's.<P>Now that we are in recovery, the emotional and physical desires are back (for me they never left, but I'm the BS).<P>Is it a mind over matter for you? Is anyone making the 'first move'? Perhaps it's been long enough that it's just a matter of getting down to business.<P>I wish my H was here right now, and I could ask him for his view on it (he's at work now). I'll try to remember to ask him about it when he comes home tonight.<P>Karen<BR>

Not only did I still have the desire, it exploded all over me. MY W (WS) was still a willing partner, but some hang ups about the A I think caused her a bit of discomfort. She is getting better though.<P><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Sorry! I can't relate. I want my WH so bad. I am ready for him to come home and commit to the marriage ANYTIME! You'll get some more responses though - I know there's some WS's that lost the desire and got it back. I remember the really good "intimate" times, and I can't let go. Maybe that will help you regain desire? Can you remember some really great intimate times and visualize having them again?

My wife is very attractive. But she is the WS. As a result I am having trouble in the sexual area and have lost most of my desire. So it is a problem. But I think with time it can come back?

Lexxxy,<BR>The first question I would have is....do you have sexual desire for anyone? The reason I ask this is because there is a chance that your body is changing (age) and your desire may be less because of a hormonal imbalance. I would check out this before I made any emotional conclusions about "no sexual desire".<P>------------------<BR>History teaches us that men behave wisely when they exhaust all other alternatives.

Thanks people!<P>Here's my deal.....<P>Pre A -- my H had promised to get a vasectomy. He was a big chicken about it, and thought he could let this slide. I kind of dug my heels in about it and refused to take responsibility for birth control like I did for everything else in our life. It was our agreement that I bore our 3 kids -- the vasectomy was his part of the bargain. We agreed. So our birth control method was withdrawal.<P>H let this slide for YEARS. I would go into conflict mode about it. Tried to make sure he knew how important it was to me. Finally, over 5 years after the birth of #3, I went in and got birth control pills. I withdrew emotionally and physically from him. I didnt want to kiss him, I made sure that I always faced "away" from him during sex. He finally went in to get the vasectomy 6 months later. At that point we had basically no physical relationship left. <P>Now it has been a long long time since we have been intimate. I don't desire him, I still have anger towards him. <P>On the other side of that -- I am very very in tune sexually with the OM. Although I don't see him often because we do not live close. <P>If I were to break it off with OM, is there any chance that I will desire my H?<P>Its one of the hang ups I have when I try to envision the future with my H. I know that we could repair most of our problems, but I just can't see us in bed together -- it turns me OFF.

I am wondering the same thing. It's been since Sept of last year when the PA began, I found out in Nov, and my WS came home in March. Last discussion about anything was April 1 ( Fools Day, maybe fitting). I have been in Plan A<BR>since and have told her that we will talk again when she's comfortable. We have not been intimate since Oct and she is currently sleeping on the couch. I wonder if she will ever regain any desire for me and I also wonder if I will have any problems if she does, like thinking I am not her first choice and wondering how I compare to Soul (mate) Man.

Lexxxy,<P>Just a few questions and then some thoughts. First, has OM had a vasectomy? Why did he have it, if he did?<P>Now, just a thought about your anger at your H for not having one. For many men having a vasectomy is far more traumatic than you think, partly because men are designed differently than woman. Here I don't mean plumbing. <P>I mean we are designed to be able to fertilize women and procreate until the day we die. Only failing health keeps us from being able to "father" a child.<P>Women have a finite span of time when they can have children. Although just this week a woman 61 years of age gave birth to a child.<P>What am I driving at? Well, by the nature of your design you recognize that your fertile period is finite. Men do not recognize this and in fact it is a point of pride with many men that they are still healthy enough, yeah the term "man enough" is used, to be able to "father" a child.<P>Having a vasectomy ends that for a man and I suspect in many men it goes to the core of who they view themselves to be. I doubt seriously your H not having a vasectomy had anything to do with punishing you, disrespecting you, or not loving you. It had to do with his insecurities, his self image, and deep down the fact he would feel as if you had castrated him if he met your demands. <P>And it was a demand Lexxxy, you felt so strongly about this demand that you withheld sex, withdrew your feelings for him, and yes stifled any sexual attraction for him. You were demanding that he cease to be a man, in his eyes.<P>Now I am sure you didn't and don't view it this way, but I would bet a substantial sum that he did. I know I would have if I had been in his shoes. This is a very delicate matter and far more complex than simply birth control.<P>You asked can you get your desire for him back? The answer is yes you can, but I suspect it will require some self evaluation on your part, perhaps some counseling to get rid of your anger, and perhaps a bit of empathy for your H.<P>I realize his not a saint, but neither are you. However, you did marry him, you did love him, and you did desire him. All of that can come back. Do some reading. I would suggest "Surviving an Affair by Harley. I think it will help you in this regard. <P>Better yet do some counseling with either Steve or Jennifer Harley. You are not the first nor the only one on this board who has lost the sexual feelings for their spouse.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lexxxy,<P>I am actually responding more to your post from earlier today/yesterday where you recounted your story and your feelings. As I read it I felt as if I could have written it myself. You are me! Frankly, it is a great relief to know that I am not alone in this lonely place.<P>I realize that you don't "know" me from this board because I don't post here - just lurk once in a while, but if you would like to talk to someone anytime who is "where you are" and struggling with it too, you can e-mail me at<P> lifeisdifficult2001@yahoo.com<P>My best to you, in any event. -B

Lexxxy- my H was the WS in my situation and he lost desire for me for 7 mo. No intimacy or even kissing during this time. Prior to our dificulties he had a vasectomy about 2 yrs ago that he didnt want- but after 3 kids I insisted he do it. He finally did- then had complications with pain and it didnt "take' so 9 mo later he had to have the vasectomy done over again. We were both quite upset and the dr's office handled it in a very unprofessonal manner- they left the message on our answer machine! After the second time I was still hestitant to get intimate with him due to fear that it wouldnt work. A year after that we moved and OW was at his new work location and jumped right into an emotional A with him that later turned physical. He quit having feelings for me and decided he was in love with her. After d-day he moved out for a month to be with her then back home. Then filed for divorce on me, which he later cancelled. Then went thru a 2 mo period of withdrawal where he tried to get his feelings back for me. Fortunately he did and they came back in a rush! It didnt occur until he made a complete break from OW though. As long as he kept having feelings for her he was unable to have feelings for me. Now our love life is better than ever! There is hope! lifeismessy

JL -- thanks for your thoughts. Its a very good point. I have been considering lately that a lot of my actions are a "punishment" to him for not meeting my needs (and yessssss demands)<P>I just wish he hadn't agreed. Then I wouldn't have pushed so hard. To me it was that he was being a wimp and not living up to his end of the bargain. And once again trying to leave all the responsibility with me.<P>My actions are ugly. In so many ways I wish I could do the things he wants, all the affection etc. In a way I also withhold myself from him because I dont want to encourage him to think everything is ok. <P>I'm so tired of all of this.<P>Blossoming -- I'd love to talk with you sometime! I'll hang on to your info.<P>

lexxxy,<P>If your H knows about the affair, I doubt seriously if he thinks everything is OK. In fact, I would doubt if he will feel everything is OK for a very long time.<P>If you set out to punish him, I don't doubt for a moment that you have accomplished your goals. I am sure from what you have said, that you have been very effective.<P>Here is the point though. Are you happy? Has your approach to your marriage and yes even the OM brought you happiness, peace of mind, and pride in yourself?<P>I suspect I know the answer. But that is the point of this forum and the marriagebuilders approach. We often do the very things that hurt us most when in fact we want something else entirely. Your approach hasn't worked, unless punishing your H was the main goal of your life.<P>So why not try a different one. It will take some guts on your part, it will take making yourself vulnerable, it will take some introspection, and it will definitely take a lot of honesty. Not just about how you feel about your H, but about yourself. If you are willing, then I think you can get what you want.<P>A marriage that brings you joy and not pain.<P>The choices are yours at this point.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL --<P>Appreciate again your comments. <P>Punishing my H was not done on a conscious level. Its an idea that has just been forming in my mind over the last week or so. If you had asked me if that was my intent, I would have told you "NO!". But this has been a very introspective time for me. And some of the ideas and comments and situations I have read about have inspired some of my thoughts.<P>I have reached a point where I know I need to make a decision and let us all out of Limbo land. I think I've been draggin my feet in all directions hoping someone else would do it. Either my H would leave me, or OM would dump me. SOOOOO much easier on me. But nooooo, I get mixed up with 2 committed strong good men. <P>I'm not happy. And the longer I live like this the worse it gets.

Hi,<P>this is an interesting thread and I wanted to make a comment. In my situation, I'm the BS. I've always found my W attractive even though she's far from perfect. I just accepted her as she was. <P>I'm the one who initiates our sessions and I've always taken a lot of time with my W - if you know what I mean - and when we've made love it's always been great for the both of us. However, since this EA and the pain she's put me through I've noticed a change in me. I'm finding that after the initial kiss and hugs and light petting, I can stop. I don't desire her as much as I did in the past.<P>This means that if I did stop trying we would have one massive dry spell. And trying takes a lot of energy and always carries the risk of (light) rejection.<P>As a woman and a WS do you initiate the sessions with H or OM ? just curious to know if other women actually initiate their love making sessions.<P>

Hi Lexxy, I was a WS and I too have a lot of problems in getting any desire back for my W. Right now sex is just sex, I seem to have no inclination at all to be intimate with her, it almost feels like an obligation and doesn’t feel very comfortable at all. <P>No, I am not in contact with OW and would consider myself a sexually inclined person. Sexual intimacy has always at the top of my priority list. I know this must sound like a cliché line every WH uses but for a good few years before my separation my sexual needs weren’t met by W. The constant rejection I endured made me withdraw physically and then emotionally from her. Though I tried to put a spark back at our relationship as H & W it didn’t seem to work. Compounded with a few other major factors, our marriage broke down and we separated. <P>For me sex is very much associated to the emotional attachment you feel for a person. Prior to my separation I did have an affair with a woman, in was purely physical and served both mine and her needs at the time. But that was it, it was meaningless and didn’t last long. I still wanted things to work with W. But as things didn’t improve through the years my feelings for her was completely written off. She was just the mother of my children. Do you see H as a life partner or more like the protector and provider of ur family? I am being honest, I feel for W, but more in a brother sister kind of way.<P>During my 2 year separation I met the OW and she completely turned my life around. Apart from my kids, she became everything to me. Upon knowledge on certain things from W and for the kids, I decided I it was right to give this marriage another chance. Its been almost 6 mths now. W is trying to make herself attractive and wanted by me. And each time I look hard within me to want her the way she wants me to. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened. I guess its hard cause I still feel some resentment towards her for being here. Even though we sleep together, I do not feel like I am with her. I do care for her but at times I see her kindness as manipulation and get angry. <P>So I guess my point is perhaps ur lack of desire for H has more to do with emotional issues and negative feelings towards him. And If u r still seeing OM then in will only not make things any better. As to how you can bring back the desire, I don’t know. They say time and lots of practice will help, so we will see. Good luvk to you.<BR>

Vasectomy thing.<P>My mom always used to say that if a man really loved a woman he'd go do this. But I just can't buy that. If my H pressured me to get a tubal I'd be furious. I don't want any other person - no matter how intimate with me- to start telling me what I should do to my body for the good of the relationship. I just would find it a total violation. I'd be open to a discussion but that's it. The same would go if I felt obligated to take the pill. I think that's a highly personal choice that another person can't force on someone. I know that for both H and I our respective fertility is a big deal. If I made him give it up in such a permanent fashion I know I'd cut out a big part of who he is. The other thing I always think about - what if the family were to die in a car crash tomorrow but your spouse survived. I'd hate to think that I was the one who would never allow him to father another child should he ever re-build his life. I've heard that it can be a very healing process to those who do bare children after such tragic losses (and it might even be within your own family that this may occur if you were to lose a child). I'm not trying to crusade against permanent birth control - totally up to the individual - just wouldn't like to see anyone coercing someone else into it.

How wonderful to know I'm not alone in this. I was the WS and still have no real sexual feelings for my husband. Or maybe I should say emotionally sexual feelings, since every (very long) once in a while the hormones do kick in. <BR>As Lexxxy said: "That is one of my greatest reservations in considering the future of our marriage. I feel care, concern, friendship, and love for my H. I simply do not have a sexual desire for him." <BR>Part of the problem is starting to be that SF is one of his top ENs. However I have no interest and he can always tell if I'm not 'really there' so to speak. I feel like he's pushing for sex which makes me want it even less. Right now it's been more than 2 weeks and I'm going away this weekend so it will probably be even more than 3 weeks... this is becoming a real LB for both of us... any suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks Lexxxy for starting this thread!<BR><P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Marissa:<BR><B>How wonderful to know I'm not alone in this. I was the WS and still have no real sexual feelings for my husband. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WHY do you not have feelings of sexual/affection for him anymore?<P>What did he do to deserve this?<P>I am the one in our relationship that has been hurt by this - my wife had the affair - she will not talk about it, everytime I approach the subject she just gets upset and says we have talked enough about it, but it is quite obvious she doesnt want me sexually anymore - this does hurt a person very very much - not only having to go thru the trauma that your partner had had an affair and slept with someone else, but, a year later, still doesnt want to make love to you anymore?<P>I ALWAYS wanted to make love to my wife, I was ALWAYS responsive to her in this field. I was always willing to try anything to improve our sexlife, in whatever way I could.<P>Yes, I had a vasectomy because she wanted me to - I didnt have a problem with it.<BR>I have had complications since because of the vasectomy, two operations and a lot of discomfort, but have never blamed her at all for it and never held it against her.<P>She did it because she was tired of taking the pill, and felt I should take some responsibility in this field too... which I did.<P>BUT - what has happened now, believe it or not, she is back on the pill - because of problems with cycle irregularity. This is oh, so convenient for her now too, isnt it - gives her the chance to go out and screw around too.<P>Not that I have ever screwed around - believe me. We were both virgins when we met, and this is the first sexual activity she has had outside our marriage, after 25 years.<P>Just to top it all, she ends up having it with someone who is much better endowed than me, and she knows I have been sensitive about this all my life. I know many people on this Discussion Board have said that I must forget this - but it is not that easy to forget, at all...<P>Do you know how difficult this is for a person that has been hurt by an affair - to try and understand this, that the person he has loved more than anything in his life, now doesnt want him anymore? Wont talk to him about it?<P>I am getting myself all wound up and upset about this all over again, I know, but for goodness sake, people, do you also not have any sensitivity for your partners - it sounds very much like you are thinking of yourselves only - very little willingness to heal your marriages in this field.<P>Yes, it takes an effort from both sides - and lots of talking and openness about it.<P>Feel free to email me and chat further, anytime:<P>kevvern@hotmail.com<BR>

Alexy, others:<P>Lots of great stuff here.<P>As the BS, after finding out about my exW's affair, emotional devastation drove away the desire for sexual contact, particularly since the affair was ongoing. This was pre-MB for me, so I had no concept of Plan A, etc.<P>More recently, as the WS, the root causes of my affairs were not sexually-based, although--because of my fog, etc.--it did have an impact (though in the fog, I thought otherwise).<P>Since zorweb and I have found and implemented MB concepts, the SF EN has not been a problem. An aside here: a great resource is Gregory Godek's <I>1001 Ways to be Romantic</I>. I like his concept that love is a feeling, and romance is the physical manifestation that ultimately results in physical intimacy. Many, many love units to be gained here!<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL