Hello Everyone,<BR>I am just feeling very strange (I don't think this is abnormal from what I have read/learnt) just want to see if others experience this.<BR>I am 5 months into recovery and W(WS) feeling much much better compared to the mess it was before. In fact she says that she feels perfect. We are still missing the communication that I desire but I think it is also becoming better.<BR>The problem I am having is that I am starting to feel less optimistic now than it was when the whole mess just started. When I try to understand why I am feeling this way (lonely, hopeless etc.) I think it is because I don't believe that everything will become the way I need it (I think I need more now in terms of my needs, reassurances etc. than I needed before the A). <BR>What is my problem? It is much better and I don't feel better although I realize that it is good.<BR>I even feel like I want to leave my W (I don't think I am actually capable of doing this). Sometimes I feel that I would do it if someone comes along. These thoughts are tearing me apart because I can't imagine my life without my wife. I am having a hard time to make sense of all these contradicting facts so if anyone has any ideas it would be greatly appreciated.<BR>Thanks.<BR>Ivan<p>[This message has been edited by Ivan (edited July 17, 2001).]

I am feeling the same some days. My wife is very perfect in all ways. But she is the WS. But what they did is such an emotional shock that's it's very hard to recover from this. I say give it more and more time. My wife also feels very happy and never thinks about all this stuff. I think about it every day.

Crud...Finally I am not alone. My wife (WS) has been very "nice" the past week since I decided to make a concious effort not to talk about it. We were at rock bottom, and then when I let her "sweep it under the rug" she got better. I still feel like crud, but at least we are making progress. I am having feelings of doubt because all the change is on my part. She is still the same ol' person and doesn't see her part in the downfall of our relationship. I feel like I want to leave because of fear that it will happen again. She believes "things just happen" and that there was nothing she did or could do to prevent the affair. I know several things she did to facilitate the affair, but do not dare mention them. It is something she has to figure out to make the marriage work. Hold strong and answers will come. Do not push your feelings away or ignore them, you might regret them later. I am gong to address them, but in front of a councilor to protect us both.....<p>[This message has been edited by toto (edited July 17, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger:<BR><B>I am feeling the same some days. My wife is very perfect in all ways. But she is the WS. But what they did is such an emotional shock that's it's very hard to recover from this. I say give it more and more time. My wife also feels very happy and never thinks about all this stuff. I think about it every day.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dude, sorry to burst your bubble...she is not perfect and neither are you...That is why we ( I am in it too)are where we are. Be true to yourself. I took all the blame for my wife....Big mistake. Take your part of the responsibility for the decline of the marriage, not the affair. It was her choice. Identify the problems in the marriage and fix them. Take a look at how this happened. Take my wife for example. She was unhappy. She found a male that would listen to her. She told him intimate details about "our" marriage. By doing this she was saying "I am unhappy, make me happy" and the dude was more that obliged to do so. When he got tired of it he moved on to the next one. People do crappy things, because they do not realize they are doing them. Did you ignore your wife before the affair? Did you take her for granted? Did you believe she would always be there? I did... Wake up! Address your feelings. Use a councilor. Learn what forgiveness is and figure out what actions it will take from her to earn forgiveness.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by toto (edited July 17, 2001).]

Boo-Boo<p>[This message has been edited by Roudy3 (edited July 17, 2001).]

Hey Guys,<P>It's not only you guys that are feeling this way. It's almost like reaching a "plateau". Things are not happening fast enough. We are the ones doing the work so we are the "tired" ones. <P>My H is working traveling for business, getting a lot of EN's met at work. Admiration, Conversation, even Domestic Support if you think about hotel rooms (housekeeping) and restaurants, taking clients out for nice dinners, and then coming home to noisy kids and toys on the floor, and whatever went wrong in the house while he was gone. (I had a flat tire & the pool pump went out).<P>I have been trying to Plan A while he was gone, nice e-mails, a few phone calls, no LB's. <P>He came home on Fri. night around Midnight. I spent an hour getting ready, had on a cute little outfit, sent the kids to a neighbors, and picked him up at the airport. At the GATE, I pick him up outside baggage claim, if he doesn't take a cab. <P>Well when he got off the plane he said "Oh, You made it all the way out here?" Then he proceeded to tell me how tired he was, what a tough week it was, what a bad flight he had. We went home and he fell asleep.<P>When I told him that I was disappointed that he didn't apreciate my special efforts, he was worse the next day. Cold, distant. I must admit that I did some LBing hat day. <P>Now that I have "retreated". He is getting better. So go figure..<P>I think I messed this up and sent it before I was finished. Woops<P>R<P>

I feel worn out and put up wet more times than I care to admit......so I won't.....LOL. Seriously, although my H (who is the WS) and I are in recovery (I think???), he is not home to participate in the pleasurable aspects of keeping the "home fires burning." He's incarcerated and has yet to be sentenced....and over a thousand miles from home to boot. My story is somewhere in the JustFoundOut archives. And I just skimmmed the surface of my sordid tale.<P>Anyhoooooo, my buddy, my lover, my soul for over 28 years informed me that he was, indeed, wayward for the at least three years prior to his becoming incarcerated. And, the OW was writing him in prison for one year into his two+ year stay at his present hacienda. He admitted to his E and P A, which I was suspicious of prior to his confession. And, man......am I pissed. Yet, I'm Plan A'ing as best that I can under the unusual circumstances. <P>We are the fortunate parents of two great teenage kids who have ALWAYS depended on me for being "both" parents. They love their father unconditionally, but MOM is the word. Mom is about wore out now and is really beginning to resent her spouse for putting the family through a whole lotta' bull*hi*. <P>So.....what's new in your world? <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

<P>Hi Toto,<BR>My case is different we were newly married with no problems except that we were separated in different countries. I would have loved to have fixed that but the embassy prevented it. My wife just said she fell for this guy, because she was feeling horny when he invited her out for drinks. That's all there was too it. No emotional affair no further contact after doing this twice. As far as perfection goes my wife for me is as perfect a wife as I want except of course what she did. If she never does it again then I will be very happy well at least 90% happy anyway. The thing my wife was depressed about was the long embassy wait (7 months).<P><BR>

You are here for support...so here it goes. I feel ya pain, bro..Try not to focus on the act. Focus on how to prevent it in the future..Not bieng separated, because that will happen, but how she can deal with her "feelings" the next time. Come up with a plan as to how not to get her into a situation that would facilitate an affair. (i.e. do not go drinking with another man when she is, as you say "horny"..actually never go out alone with another man period)...OR on a more blunt level..buy her a... you know.."toy" to relieve the "horny" feeling...<P>Good Luck

I can very mildly relate. WH and I have been in recovery for almost 2 months now.<P>I think it's the lack of emotional energy. Think about it, we were fueled by rage and hurt. We were strong. We were fighting for our marriage. Now that our WS's are back, we've somewhat won. Now is when there's different work to take place. But it's to be done on BOTH sides.<P>I think your W still has some waking up to do, as far as realizing HER role in the environment of your marriage prior to the A. Unfortunately, most of that she has to discover on her own. You can help her, by telling her about the things that bothered you, but only she can change those behaviours.<P>You need to sit down and talk to your wife about your feelings. If she is committed to you (which by the sounds of it, she is), then she will want to make you happy. Now, before you talk to her, look within yourself and figure out what it is that you are missing. It may not be her. It may be you. Remember, happiness comes from within. (e.g. what projects were you going to accomplish during your initial plan A? did you do them? if not, why not start now?).<P>Karen<BR>

Ivan,<P>Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. We’ve been invaded by the summer vacation crowd here. So with a house full of guests my time on MB is limited right now (I’m in withdrawal.. lol). I also needed to think some about our situation because you are in a tough spot and some things were not immediately obvious. This is what I’ve come to:<P>You have come to a turning point (someone here used the term plateau). You have achieved your first goal. You are in recovery and things are going fairly well. Take a deep bow for that. You have done very well. Take a moment to enjoy your success. <P>Now, it is time to reassess your situation. From what you have said, you are right when you say: ” I don't believe that everything will become the way I need it (I think I need more now in terms of my needs, reassurances etc. than I needed before the A).” Always listen to your feelings and give them credit. They are telling you something very important. Your current path got you to this point. You are at a fork in the road. Continue as you are and your marriage will stagnate where you are right now. I am sure that you do need more emotionally from your wife then you ever have. Have you and your wife done your emotional needs questionnaires? Perhaps it is time to revisit them as needs change with time. Explain to her that the rule of honestly means that each of you has to tell the other how they feel and what they need until the feelings/needs are met. Give her concrete ideas of how you see her filling your ENs. Find out how she is doing with her ENs being filled. STL and I make a point of weekly discussing our ENs. We tell each other where things are going well and what more we need (or what changes we need). Always remember to do this with the utmost love and kindness. You will never go wrong when you come from love. <P>You need a “phase 2” plan. How do you want you marriage to be in the future. Then what are the concrete steps to get there? Teach your wife the MB concepts through example. Ask her what she needs and wants. Listen to her and seek to understand her. This will teach her how you want to be treated.<P>Is one of our current issues forgiving and forgetting? Here is a link to one of Dr. Harley’s articles on this subject. I believe that it has some insight that might help you. Consider to concept of compensation that he brings up. Are you having problems moving on because you have not been “compensated” for her transgression? If this is the case then part of your “phase 2” plan would be to gently move her to a place where she can do this for your. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html</A> <P>I believe that your thought of wanting to leave your wife are because you are exhausted. You should tell her of these feelings so that she knows your inner soul. It can be done gently and with metering out accusations etc.<P><BR>Your current emotions are telling you that you are exhausted and that you need more. So nurture yourself and then determine the next road to take.<P>As always we are all here to help you on your path.<P>Z<P><BR>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited July 18, 2001).]

Thanks everyone for replying. Your comments are very valuable, I can see fragments of your feeling and behaviours in my situations as well.<BR>Zorweb: special Thanks to you for finding the time during your "busy guest visiting season" to reply to my post. Your view of the situation always amazes me (really). I actually didn't mention that W is reading Her needs His Needs right at this moment (very very slowly) and my plan was to fill out questionaires as soon as she is done. So , this is exactly your point and I really agree with it. I guess my fear is that she will not change (from the past history, I didn't have much success to convince her about the things that I believe ) but anyways, I will deal with this problem when it happens.<BR>Thanks again to everyone, your help is always appreciated.<BR>Ivan