As you have read my many posts. I can say for once I am stronger, not much. I did all the wrong things when I was so weak. My H was staying in hotel room last week. Found out he was NOT alone. OW was there. He stayed at his brother's house Friday and Saturday night. He keeps on wanting me to leave. It's VERY hard for him to be with me. It hurts but I'm being the best I can be. He broke down Friday night at his brothers because he missed his twin girls. On Saturday morning my H called me & asked what time I would drive back for his brothers ground breaking party. (He's building a new house) When I got to the party my H was nice. Then after he had a few drinks & threw up his food he acted different again. We were in the house at the same time. He asked me to wait up. He said he knew that it wasn't the right time but he wanted to tell me he, brother & sister-in-law had a four hour talk the night before. He basically wanted me to tell him how people knew he was not alone in motel room. I told him I really didn't want to talk about it because I was there to enjoy myself. He said he's been hurting a LOT of people and it's time to "**** or get off the pot" I really didn't know what he meant by that. As it got later I was going to leave. I told my H I put something in his suitcase. He gave me the look of "not another thing that means nothing"<BR>I sat on the bed and asked him to sit by me. He said no, he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. He did end up sitting on bed beside me. He was like no other person I have ever seen. He wouldn't look at me he was VERY rude. He came right out and said he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. He said there's two boats rowing but their going backwards. I said I loved him but he's acting like a stranger, two year old. I don't know him. He said he doesn't know himself. As I was leaving he asked me for money. I gave him some. He wanted to give me some back. I said nicely, no money is what I need. He turned around upset & never said anything. I drove off & went home. I had the MOST terrible chest pains on the way home. I thought I was having a heart attach.<BR>Sunday he came home to stay. I didn't get home in time for him when he went to work at 7pm. He called my cell phone & cried that he wanted me to tell the girls he loved them.<BR>I said I would. Monday, July 17, 2001 I think was one of the hardest days yet. My H's parents took the girls overnight. Which meant we were a lone. My H was his normal self. He would touch me and his face looked clear. He asked me how my day at work went. I asked him about his. Then he started to kiss me passionately. Hugging touching. Saying he still loves me. I told him I loved him too. I was uncomfortable & told him to slow up. He said there's nothing slow about it. Something happened that I didn't want it to but it did fast. We started to have intercourse. Then he stopped and said it was wrong. He said he really loves me but those feelings aren't there anymore. He went outside and came back. Hugging & kissing again. He said what he did was NOT right. He said it was very mean. He appologized. When we sat down to each we prayed. He cried & prayed for God to help us understand things. He was really upset. He cried and hugged me. After we cleaned up dishes. He took my hand & wanted to talk. I said I didn't think we should (he was way...too emotional) He said we had to talk. He said he loved me he truly does. He will always love me & have a special part in his life heart and soul. But he said he just doesn't have that deep feelings anymore. He said when he did that to me he wished it was the OW & he did it to her the other day too & that hurt him too. He said he really doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He said he can't believe I'm still there after what he's done. I told him I love & believe in him & us. He thanked me & said I was too good of a person. He said that's why he doesn't want to hurt me & wants me to prepare my self for papers (divorce) he said he has been lining up some things for it. He said he doesn't want me to fall off the edge. He basically told me in a way that he really has the deep love for the OW. His heart isn't with me. He said she called the other day crying wanting him to come over but he said he couldn't. He said he has to do something like everyone has said it has to be black or white. He said even Dr. Harley said something has to break and start on a plan. (What Harley meant was to work on our marriage with a plan) He said he feels something deep inside for her and not me he said he has search deep in his soul to find it & he hasn't found it yet. Someone else has his heart (meaning OW) That's another reason why he did what he did because he wanted to make himself feel something for me but couldn't. He said he feels really bad like he raped me. He also faked it because he knows that I really want him & he wanted to get on my good side. He said he's really tried more than I know. He sat by me on couch. He started to touch me and kiss me. He said I am beautiful & he still wants me & loves me. He started to put his hands up my shirt. I pulled back. He said that's another thing he said if I was his wife I should not be embarrassed and show him my breasts. He said but don't this OW shows me all the time like that. He touched & kissed me again. He said OW loves our girls. (she's only met them once) He said he had to leave he couldn't be at home anymore. He said he was going to go to OW house. I said I was uncomfortable with that & if he could go to a hotel. He said OW is at work anyway. He also said he talked to that single male officer again & he was going to go look at that house for rent. He said maybe it will take a year or so for his feelings to return. I didn't fight plead or talk bad about OW. He was out in the garage getting in his truck. He kissed me & said he really does love me but it's not in here (pointing at his chest) He said he feels like a horney teenager wanting sex. He said he loves me but is thinking with another part of his body that wants me instead of his heart. He said he would love to make love to me but can't. He kissed & hugged me. I told him that I believe in something that is really strong and solid. My love for him. I told him I know he has his doubts but I told him he has always trusted my "feeling" & for him to remember that I do feel the feeling with him & it's not just me I feel him too. I asked him to trust that & hang on to that. I told him I understand he needs to figure out somethings. I want him to know that I love him and believe in him and want him to be happy. I believe that can happen with us but I understand he has his doubts. I reminded him I will always believe in him and us and will always love him and stand by him & I will be here for him. This is his home. He said this is our home. He said thank you, I love you and he said I was a good person. Then he kissed me and left. When he left I did not feel panik for once even though he was going to OW house. I NEVER once talked bad about her or told him he did wrong to make him feel guilty. I have learned not to do this because when I do this I'm making myself the person he feels guilty with and OW is making herself the person he feels accepted and loved with. Lostva made me realize this. When my H left too he said maybe he just has to go there (OW) and learn the hard way. He called me later on when he started his shift. He talked nice & I nice back to him. He came home this morning and talked nice. He jumped in the shower and said I was leaving for work. I kissed him, said I loved him & walked away. He told me to come back and he kissed me again. I remember these things he used to do to me. I know this is bad but deep down I don't think he was staying home and sleeping today. I wrote him a letter and put it in a card that tells us about god's "hope" he gives us. I used part of Lostva letter as a guide. <P>The thing I don't know how to handle is if he moves in with this single male officer in this house. My H will have it great. He will be able to see OW when ever & have that fun time. Then he'll be able to see me and the girls any time plus he'll be able to have that single bar life with his roomate. I'M SORRY HE'S A HUSBAND & FATHER. This will tear me apart. He will be running three lives. Of course it will be wonderful & great. He won't have to just live one of them, he can have them all. Basically having his cake and eating it too. Here I am stuck at home doing all the work paying all the bills and a lone taking care of our twin girls. Giving them guidance and dislipline & he has all the fun with them. Then I have the stress of being a mean mom because at home there are rules. NOT FAIR.<P>Tomorrow my H is seeing a counselor that I had written down on a piece of paper for me to see. He took it and called for an appointment. But last night he even said counselors just want you money & they really don't know your true self feelings. He said even the people I communicate on the internet don't even know. He said some people say yes you can get those feelings back but others say things change & you will never get them back.<P>HELP......<P>LOVEMESS

Hi LM,<P>Same stuff different name. We are/were in the same boat. I am just down the road a bit farther. Can you still make recovery with all that garbage being thrown at you? Yes it is possible. <P>The funny thing is that my H said all the same things and no I did not go the exact route as you. In fact I did speak my mind (not all of it but most) on what I thought of OW. Her nick name is Psyco Babble. I was accused of being psyco myself, out of control, yet controlling H, being mean and nasty to OW (never met her, listened to her cuss me out) and H said that if I had not said anything, he would have been back sooner. Similar to what you are doing, yet your H is doing the same stuff as mine did. Hm..... so it doesn't really matter, this is something they need to get out of their system. <P>Where is my H now? Well brief backgroud. A started Aug 2000. Prior to that many 1 nighters with H trying to convince himself that his w did not love him and he needed sex. The EA/PA with Pysco Babble. Initially he said that PB did not want to break up his family but there are too many e-mails that show otherwise. d/d Nov 22, 2000. H moved out 12/31/00. Moved back in 4/29/01. Moved out for 1 week (required move)7/9 - 7/15/01. Requested to move back and came home 7/16/01. <P>So we are at the beginning of attempting to recover all over again. A lot of other things happened in the middle also (2 pregs or suspected preg/2 misscarriages or suspected misscarriges). You can search on my user for more stories. <P>H said that OW wants him to work on his family and 'promised' never to contact him again and he promised the same. Time will tell. Been down this road before and I don't really want to waste my time again. I personally need reassurance from H. H knows. <P>Have you read Trueheart's letter to the WS's? Maybe you can share that with your H. It is not from a woman nor from a BS, it is from a WS who is working hard on restoring his marriage. I have learned a lot from him. <P>Take Care and keep posting. You will make it. <P>L.<BR>