I need some advice, suggestions, thoughts on what I'm doing and if I'm crazy or not.<P>I'll try to make this short. To start I found out my W of 10 years has been having an A for about 1 1/2 years at this point back the last Sunday of April. Sense that time we have run this crazy rollercoaster back and fourth, up and down and we seem to be at the same point as we were to start with. I mean some things have changed but it seems like I'm spinning my wheels sometimes. First W left to be with OM for about a week, couldn't handel being away from the children (S-7,D-2) I was stupid enough to let her come home. Then about 2 weeks after that she wanted to work on marriage, OM was completly out of picture on the condition that we gave it 2 months to see where we were then continue or not. That lasted about 1 week and I got really tired of the sad faces, crying , and being told "I have never loved someone that much and will never love that way again". So then I moved out, was tired of all the lies of being told that I made her feel quilty all the time, and so on.<P> Well it's been about 3 weeks now sense I moved out and there hasn't been one day that we haven't seen or talked to each other, I know she has spent more time with me than OM even it is mostly with the kids. She seems to be more open and honest with me now. We have always been best friends and still are. She tells me things about how OM maybe transfering soon and that she isn't going to follow him. That if I were to transfer to another state east that her and the kids would follow. She tells me that she can't decide what to do that she loves both of us, that she can't imagine not having me in her life, that she can't understand why she has someone who wants her and can forgive her but she can't return the feelings, she knows it wrong, she has involved the kids from atleast a year ago and knows that was wrong, she calls me when she has nightmares not tha OM, hasn't let me move everything out, want even agree to change of address, says it's easier this way, she says and does hunders of other small things that still lead me to beleave that she still loves me.<P>I've tried to make sense of things but I can't. I'm still tring to hold on to my family, to her. I try to show her how much I care and am there for her. I don't know am I doing the right things? What should I be doing? When do I let it go or should I already? Hundreds of questions and no answers.<P>This all brings us to last night. We have been under a great finacial burden because of supporting two homes on my income. Where we live she is having a hard time finding a job and she doen't want to. doesn't want to be away from the kids, the reason she quit her job a year ago. Well we discused me moving back, I have refused to this point because I don't know if that would be right, I know I would love to go home but what does that do to the kids when she decides that she doesn't want me there anymore. We also discused the possibility of her moving in with OM or OM moving in with her. She said he had offered for her and kids to move in with him and she has told him no. So last night she went to see OM and to talk about one of the above and she couldn't do it. She said she got sick to her stomach, a lump in her throat and sweety palm. She said she wasn't afraid he would say no, although that had crossed her mind, but that he would say yes. She says she was afraid of lossing a big part of her (me) if that happend. So what does all that mean? Where do I go from here? The thought of her and the kids living with OM kill me and the thought of lossing my family forever just can't be right.<P>Well there is so much more to the story but I've said enough any help would be greatly appriciated. I really need some elses point of view.<P>Thanks

The situation that you find yourself in is not that confusing. What it comes down to is whether she wants to be married to you or not and maintain a monogamous relationship with only you. Unfortuately,she has made the choice to continue to have an adulterous relationship with a 3rd party. You need to make a choice whether you want to accept this open marriage or file for divorce.

Whoa....<P>I don't know that I agree with Max here.<P>First of all silwl, you need to read some of the stuff here. There is a new members post thatt someone will get to you (if not go to the Just Found Out forum and it is there) but go back and read some of the basic concepts stuff and get a better understanding of MB.<P>I think you will find that your W is showing some of the classic signs of withdrawal from OM. If you think she is being honest with you about all you have posted it appears you might have a fighting chance of getting things back together. But you need to remember it is a loooooong and hard road with lots of ups and downs and until your W completes her withdrawal it will be even tougher for you.<P>Welcome to the amusement park where the only ride is one long roller coaster.<P>Read the stuff at this site and post and ask questions. You have come to the right place. You will find encouragment, sympathy and hope here. You are among friends.<P>Good luck <P>E

Theres a roller coaster here? Is there a bonus ride for who stays on the longest?...hehe!!<P>Sorry, just a lil levity!! I do agree with Elad...first off...READ READ READ!! You will find silwl, that your story parallels many in here. Your W is going through the classic signs of withdrawal, and you can help her with that journey by applying the principles here. She is lost, but not that deeply. Unlike many here, she is open enough to talk to you, almost testing your mettle to see if you are up to the task of staying with her, it seems to me. You might want to go see a post I did recently...and have your W read it or give her a copy....it is a letter to a WS from a WS....I think much of what she says/feels I can identify with...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html</A> <P>Read Surviving the affair, and His needs/Her needs...go slow. She is open to talk. Learn the lessons here, and talk to those that have been here...there is hope!! Keep the faith!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

O.K. guys I got thrown for a real loop tonight. I sat down with W to talk about what was going to need to be done about me moving back home. There was a subben change of heart in away. As we discussed the pros and cons she stated that she felt that it wouldn't be fair to the kids. That if I were to return what would that do to them, mom left and came back, now dad left and came back, so what happens to them when one of us leaves for good. Well I didn't have any answers. Then she added what happens we she says she needs to leave for a while(to see OM) and returns home, is that fair to me, could she handle the look on my face, will I get angry, will we fight, what does that do to the kids. I didn't have any answers again, I know I wouldn't intentionaly fight about it but I know in the past she has felt guilty and basically pushed for a fight because she couldn't handle the way I felt or the look on my face. Well it ended up with for now me not returning home just for finacial reasons but that doesn't rule out the future and that she really does want me there. <P>Then some how we ended up talking about where we saw this going and now she sees it as taking baby steps to us seperating our lives, making a smooth transition. That this was just apart of accepting the end and comming to terms with it. Then she says but you are my best friend and I can't reconcile the thought of lossing that in my life. That she does love OM and that she sees no future for us. Dose that or doesn't that contradict what she said earlier. Well as we continued to talk she said that she can't reconcile the conflict with in her that her heart tells her and that she knows she loves OM but that her head tells her how could she give up what she has and that what she has is more than any one has a right to and that she could never forgive herself if she gave that up. All of this has totally thrown me and got me spining around at this point. She added that she wasn't sure what she was to do or what was the right thing to do, was she to stay married and do what her head says and live with out her heart or was she to do the opposite. Does she stay with what is safe, secure, careing, accepting no matter what, where someone knew her better than no one else and with her best friend or does she go into uncertainty, something she doesn't know will work and where she has none of the above. See my confusion.<P>Well if that wasn't enough for one night she then hits me with what is I think her version of plan B. She said that she thought we hadn't spent enough time apart and that maybe it would give us some clarity. We haven't been apart for more than a day and even then we have atleast talked on the phone. She even state that sense I left she has seen more of me than she has of OM, and not by my design alone but by her doing as well. She proposed that we not have any contact with each other for the rest of the week and that we talk on Sunday night and see where we are then. I agreed and told her that I loved her and that if this was what she needed right now I would respect that. Her eyes began to tear up and I gave my kids hugs and kisses then we hugged each other, as I left she asked me not to cry because she couldn't handle that. I didn't until later and left.<P>So what do you guys think, was this a right move, I wish I had posted before I moved out. Does this signal the end and that I have lost her forever? Maybe you all can share what you see going on. I fear I have lost her but I still keep hope alive and I'm not ready to give up on things yet. I still love her and want my family back.<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>silwl

Hi Silwl,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. Many of us are here in an attempt to recover and rebuild our marriage. Here is a post that we often share.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>In addition to the information on this site, there is the phone counseling services of Jennifer and Steve Harley. Books such as surviving an affair and his needs/her needs cover the infamous plan A vs plan B methods. They provide general guidelines and help each person prepare themselves and their mates as best as possible to aid in the recovery. It may be a recovery for both or just one. Whatever it turns out to be there is a good chance that you will come out as a better person. Your W can also if she applies the principles/concepts as outlined here. <P>The fact that your wife is confused in her logic, shows her conscience is still working. It is bothering her and she is desparately trying to convince herself that her heart is for the OM and her brain is for her family. Hm..... and in what other subject is she this torn? mouth wants eggs for breakfast but her stomach wants cereal? right foot wants to wear sandals and left foot wants to wear a boot? No, I don't think so. So what is causing all this massive confusion? GUILT combined with the desires met by the OM. Desires that shouldbe met by you and can be met by you if she will allow you to. More to think about. <P>For now, you need to concentrate on yourself. She wants to force herself to want you. In reality she knows this is not the right way, but in her desparation it is the only way she knows. There are other avenues/ideas for making things better, but she may be trying to have her cake and eat it too.. Question to you is are you willing to be just a 1/2 piece of cake or do you want the whole enchilada?<P>You derserve your complete wife back. Not less. Do your reading and research. Come back and post. For now give her, her space. This intentional action of keeping you away from the family should not be allowed to last too long. Be reasonable. Your children need you also. She needs to allow you to do that. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

silwl<P>Try to get your wife to agree to seek counseling. Either together with you or alone. But definitely look at counseling.<P>she sounds very confused and while a counselor can't give her the answers, a counselor can help her focus and find the answers she is looking for.<P>good luck <P>E