OK I need some help here.. What do you do when your husband comes home one day and nonchalantly states that he has "feelings" for another woman. Then when you freak out and want some changes made, recants and says "Well I don't have feelings, its just a 'what if we don't make it' kind of thing" What is the difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair? am I crazy for wanting this woman out of my husbands life? am I wrong for wanting to move out of this god forsaken town? am I completely out in left field for asking him to quit his job? They have been friends for 5 years.. almost 6. She has bothered me from day 1 but its just been in the last two years that things have gotten ugly. They have been out to lunch in the past, and he has had dinner at her house after doing odd jobs for her. She is now in the proceess of getting a divorce since her husband won't give up his ow. My H is trying desperately to convince me she is 'only' a friend. I don't buy this. I want her out of my life and I want out of this stinking town. <BR>MommaBear

You are right in your feelings and I would want the same thing. It is very bad news for you unless your husband smartens up. Even if he has no bad intentions, it is still bad news and not respectful to your feelings.

Rodger,<BR>Thanks for the reply. I suppose I should go backwards a bit here. I had an affair 19 months ago, My H forgave me and we moved, i quit everything and did everything he asked. I turned everything upside down to make him happy and comfortable and safe in our marriage. I have been in therapy for 14 months (he has never gone with me) and have had no contact with OM since I broke off the relationship and told my H about it back in Dec 1999. It was 3 months ago that my H spilled his guts about his "feelings" for this possible OW in his life. as I said before he has known her for almost 6 years and she has bothered me for all of them. He has never taken me serious about my feelings for this woman even after seeing where my feelings for this OM got me. So what now?<BR>MommaBear<P>------------------<BR>MommaBear

Mommabear....I heard "she's only a friend" for too many years and had hoped that it was the truth. Guess what? I was in a FOG and my H and his OW were in a PA long before I suspected the same. I held onto a thread of hope that what my H told me was, in fact, true. Why wouldn't I??? He'd never lied to me before. I can go on and on about how he and she deceived me into believing that their liaison was platonic. Can you spell DUH? Nearly four years after their their active affair my H comes clean. Hurt? Damn right I hurt, yet so does he. Does she hurt? Who gives a *hi*? <P>I knew my H's OW.....she leased a townhouse that was owned by me and my H. I had to threaten eviction several times to get rent money from her. He convinced me that she'd be a good tenant for the rental property because she was clean and good for the money. I was conned and suffer the consequences to this day. Most of my anger is directed towards myself for being played the fool. <P>You have every right to feel uncomfortable with the relationship between your H and this woman. Make your concerns known to your H. If he fails to respond to your heartfelt concerns then perhaps there is more to the story than what meets the eye. Immediately refer to Dr. Harley's techniques for getting a marriage back on the right track. I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you soon.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Thanks GeezLouise,<BR>I have waffled back and forth for nearly 6 years over the whole thing. I have heard "your crazy", "There isn't anything going on" and "Get over it!" I am sick of being the one to change everything and not get any changed made to make me feel comfortable. I am hanging in there. But why do I feel like I am beating a dead dog? Its been 6 years almost and nothing has changed, except that he "induldged me" with a few confessions that i think are suppose to make me feel better, convince me that it was really just platonic after all? A clandestine lunch where he left his cell phone in the car so he wouldn't have to talk to me on the phone, a trip to the store to pick up some stuff she was too dainty to get herself... it goes on and on. am I crazy? I read a post today where the WS still works with the OP, is that for real? IS it too much of me to ask him to change jobs? He loves his job and this company, but its not like he couldn't find the same work with another company in a new town, where both of us could start over with no distractions, right? I need encouragement, I am battling fear and Low self esteem. HELP!<BR>MommaBear

MommaBear,<BR>I don't know if you are a Christian, but I just want to encourage you not to be afraid because God is there to help you. Your husband has been very verbally abusive in his attempt to cover up his affair and it is simply not true the things he has said to you. It just hurts you deeply because this is the man you love so much. You are NOT crazy, God was warning you that something was wrong. Your conscience was bothering you and he was not being honest so he tried to convince you it was your imagination.<P>It was not your imagination. Those were warning signals and every time you confronted him, he lied. HE is the one with the problems, not you. Don't take blame upon yourself that should be his responsibility to take and his alone!<P>Take comfort knowing these words from Isaiah 41:10-11, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish."<P>GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE! Keep the faith!

Thanks you so much! Yes I am a Christian. Thank you again for your encouragement. I plan on taking this thread to my PhD and get her opinion..and then I am going to show this to my H, but I am afraid of how he is going to react. his denial, is this the same as the fog everyone talks about? Are there any men in here who have conquered anger problems? My H is so sweet and nice when he wants to be, but the other side of that is terrifying, he hasn't hit me in years, but the look on his face and the words that come out of his mouth are just amazing. I keep looking at him and thinking "This is my H?" Baffling.. Thank You again<BR>Mommabear