<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

Maybe she has a problem with intimacy. It may not hurt for you to explore the subject either. Your not any of the things you said, just a man trying to hold on to the one you love. Have you told your wife of the May deadline?

I'm with you, man. Sometimes I feel like my marriage was too far gone before the A. At least I was able to Plan B. I feel for your situation that you can't do that. But, I don't think you're a doormat.<P>I'd still like to meet you for a beer sometime. Please think about it.<P>Dave

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

I've thought about this, too. I think "doormat" is a state of mind, but others may conclude we're doormats based on our actions (or inactions), not knowing our intentions.<P>My two SILs, who I am very close to, have long criticized me as letting my wife get away with too much. I was being too good to her, they say. <P>Hey, it's my nature. What am I supposed to do? Be mean once in a while just to even the score? I don't know how to do that. I'm just too dern laid back. I think I do stand up for myself when I need to. Maybe I just have more tolerance than some arrogant SOBs for not getting things my way all the time.<P>Does this "make" me appear as a doormat? Maybe. Know what? I don't care. I conduct my interpersonal relationships the only way I know how. Sure, I've learned a lot through the MB principles about how NOT to make lovebank withdrawals. But I can't change my basic personality.<P>Know what else? I'm losing my hair and I don't care. Sure, I'd prefer not to be losing it, but it's the way I am. So I have to wear a hat to keep from getting burned - I like hats. I laugh at the Rogaine commercials. I think it's the same principle as being a perceived doormat. I just don't have the vanity to be concerned about it.<P>Nice guys finish last? In the minds of some, I guess. But I'd rather finish last than feel artificial.<P>WAT

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

Hi LAN,<P>Just thought I'd say hi to the "new" you. Hopefully you'll get to change your name again someday, but as long as it has been I'm not holding my breath.<P>I have no comments about the doormat thing. You are taking the course of action that seems best to you, given the things that you value. Who cares what others think?<P>As for relationship talks--well, having a relationship doesn't require talking about it, although such talks can help. If she's seeking you out and talking, even if not about what you want, it may be that she's allowing you to meet more of her ENs. I tend to think it possible that even people with control problems and difficult personalities may one day come around if their spouse's balance in their love bank gets high enough. No guarantees, your case is a tough one, but maybe a slow thaw is underway.<P>As for you, your feelings sound like withdrawal to me, and it's sure as heck understandable. I guess the key is managing expectations and finding your joy elsewhere. At the same time you don't want to be so closed off emotionally that if she starts doing things that would normally make deposits in the love bank she is unable to reach you. As for the magic answer to how to do this, I don't know. If I had any such magic I'd bottle it and sell it.<P>Maybe meeting WAT for a couple of beers is as good an idea as any. I'd offer to join, but I think you are East Coasters and it's a bit of a long drive from Houston, even for good beer and friends.<P>Steve

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>

LAN,<P>It has got to be real tough on you to stay in this loveless situation, knowing the A is over but there isn't much move towards establishing intimacy and restoring the marriage.<P>From an outsider looking in, it seems she continues to move towards you, maybe unknowingly. Wanting to talk, even if just about kids stuff, is allowing her to meet an EN of hers, conversation. One has to think that this is good, because it forms one of the basics for building a relationship and making it work. I know that is little consolation at this point, given the lack of everything else.<P>I can understand how you feel, wondering if you have love left, etc. I guess we all wonder that, but each situation is different. And in your case, you've got to try and maintain some interest in reconciling even though she doesn't show much towards you. That can't be easy. You've got alot of respect from everyone here. What you are enduring in an attempt to save your marriage is amazing.<P>The way I see it, you aren't a doormat if you are doing this as part of a "plan". You know what you are doing. I figure we have advanced knowledge of how their brains operate, something that even they don't understand.

<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: LonelyAtNight ]</p>