Why am I reacting like this? I feel like such an emotional whimp when H hasn't (professedly) even betrayed me yet; whereas you guys who are suffering from all kinds of unbearable treatment by your spouses are heroically dealing with all this.<P>Let me just briefly recap my situation for those of you who aren't familiar with it. H works out of state every week. When he's home things have been going great for us (from my perspective at least). When he's away he admits to feeling huge temptation to cross the line and seach out companionship in any form he can. And no, phone/cybersex with me apparently won't cut it for him. Yes, he sees the need to travel less but is holding out at least till the Fall when he gets his annual review and raise.<P>But I don't know if I can last that long right now. Yesterday I started reading Divorce Busters and sent him a long enthusiastic letter,in part telling him about the book but mostly reiterating my love for him and confidence that we can get through this and how appreciative I am of him. I guess I was also hoping for some kind of positive response to this. Instead he writes (the subject line of my mail was 'how are you doing?':" A bit overwhelmed, so I'm a bit disconnected and disoriented about my feelings and thoughts about you, us and me."<P>Now, admittedly this has been a more stressful week than usual for him - he's in Mexico and apparently it is stressful getting around there etc. And maybe I'm just flying off the handle for no good reason and over reacting to all this (not had much sleep). But my interpretation of this based on previous admissions is that right now he is being sorely tempted by something/someone. And I feel almost at my limit to deal with this see-saw ie being so committed to us and having such great times together when he's home and then him going through all this doubt and questioning of the strength of our relationship when he's away. I'm tired of bending over backwards to make things better when he still doesn't seem to be able to appreciate it when he's not around. I'm always drawn back to the same old question: why should it be so difficult for him? In some ways I almost feel like this is a kind of an affair between us - where everything is great the times he's here and then he slips back into his old life when he's gone. <P>Maybe if I asked for a seperation he might wake up and decide what he wants - whether this marriage is important enough to him that he makes up his mind exactly what it is he wants and goes after it totally rather than me trying to come up with all the solutions all the time.<P>Right now, whenever I get to this point I stop functioning properly - neglect the house work and spend less meaningful time with the kids while I search for answers. I don't want to live like this forever. Am I being unreasonable and impatient here?<P><BR>

No, you're not being unreasonable. You're reacting to the clear signals he's sending that all is not well.<P>It might be wise for you to assume he's already having an affair, regardless of whether he is or not. He admits to thinking about it, at least, so the pieces are in place for it to occur. I wish I had heard this from my wife before it was too late.<P>"Divorce Busters" has some good stuff. Please also get "His Needs/Her Needs" and you probably should also get "Surviving An Affair," both by Harley and available in the bookstore section. If you apply the strategies as if he is already involved with someone, you'll be a step ahead. <P>Do not accuse him of an affair. If he already is, he's lying about already and won't likely admit it. If he's not having an affair, it'll make him angry and defensive, thus hindering your communication.<P>WAT

I too agree with WAT that you are not being unreasonable. I have heard of emotional divorce and it sounds like something is coming between you guys.<P>Is there any way he could transfer to a different job altogether with no traveling? That sounds like the first thing you guys could do to get closer and spend more time. <P>Try not to see divorce as an option, if you can help it. Just pretend the back door does not exist. Divorce will rip your kids apart. My mom divorced 3 times before I was 18 and it created so much chaos in all of us kids' lives.<P>I'm praying for you as it is difficult to run the household smoothly when things are not running smoothly inside mom's heart. Give everything to God and trust God to hold your marriage together in the meantime, while you guys seem to be drifting apart. That's what God does, He holds things together even if they LOOK like they are falling apart. He will perfect that which concerns you.<P>I'll also pray for your kids that they would volunteer to help mom out more when dad's away, if they are old enough.<P>In the meantime, is there anyone who could help you take some mommie time out? Like have a 'mental-health' day just for yourself to get a spa treatment or pedicure or something? I wish you all the best. Hang in there!<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited July 18, 2001).]

Thanks WAT! BINthere!<P>At the moment I'm too disgusted by everything. I feel like I've done nothing but read self help books for the past 4 months. You would be amazed at the changes I have implemented and the huge effects it has had on the marriage in this time. H was ready to leave me 4 months ago and I did everything right - and it worked. Just not when he's away. He has made some efforts - mainly reading "Light her fire" and scheduling 2 hours for me at the weekends for a date and coming home with flowers and a card (flowers come from an airport vending machine because he complained how it ate his money one week). But I'm reaching the point where I feel I'm facilitating his behaviour and he feels no need to put in much more effort. Yes he beats himself up with guilt about his sexual attractions but I don't feel he's out there looking too hard for solutions other than planning to talk to his superiors about cutting back the travel.<P>I know I *should* read all the books you listed (I have read just about all the material on this site) but at the moment I just can't get up the enthusiasm. I need a break from all this but then if I ask for one and he strays then he'll point the finger at me and say "well, you just weren't there for me and I had to have some kind of companionship or I would have gone crazy". Maybe I'm reaching an apathetic mode, I don't know.<P>P.S this week I'm stuck at home because our van is broken and we live in a secluded, rural neighborhood<p>[This message has been edited by sealf (edited July 18, 2001).]

BTW, just so you get the context of all this here is a sample from the letter I wrote that illicited the above response from H - maybe it explains my disappointment. The first part of the letter was just a paragraph discussing the book I was reading:<P><BR> I just wanted to share this with you because I feel the burden you are carrying around right now with regards to your own sense of your "shortcomings" and "difficulties" etc and I wanted to reach out to you and lift those burdens and just love you and reach out to you and say, we can do this and it will work and you don't have to worry or feel bad. Yes, we need to address stuff and fix things but I believe it can be done. We have so much going for us already. Once again, I apologise for all the areas I've ever hurt you in or neglected your needs. But let us work joyously to move on and beyond all that and forge something wonderful together. Right now I want to hug you and envelope you with love and tenderness and healing and to release you from all your hurts and worries.<BR> <BR>I love you so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have been to me, done for me. You really are my knight, my perfect gentleman, my friend and my lover. Let's take this relationship to the heights and in doing so, bring our children (including Samuel and Elisabeth because this will provide a different example to which they can aspire and derive hope from) with us in the joy, love, warmth and security that every child deserves. I totally recommit my vows to you and my dedication to you. <BR> <BR>My beloved, beloved soul,<BR> <BR>Your darling, loving partner and wife,<BR> <P>BTW this was all heartfelt and not just put out for effect. At the time I wrote I really felt he too was sincere about his professed desire to make the marriage work (and I still think part of him is serious about it but he now appears to me to be greatly conflicted too)