What do you think? Am I totally being selfish? <BR>Background: Married almost 11 years. X-wife moves 2000 miles to live 4 doors down from us - she has NO family here, except the two daughter she shares with my husband. They are 18 and 21. She is remarried, and has 2 children. Husband's family thinks she is one more member of one happy family. We live in a town of 152. There are OTHER town around us - within 7 miles there is a city of about 13,000. No absolute reason for her to choose to live 4 doors down. We have had a fight over this every single time something happens, at least 25 fights over his X wife. I'm sick of it. <P>Actions speak louder than words, so when he tells me that he would like her to go jump in a lake, wishes she wasn't here, tells me his family is a bunch of nin-com-poops for all the encounters they involve her and us in, etc. <P>But his actions speak louder:<P>BIL calls him up and says "would you mind if I let her stay with me until she can get a place to live?" he says go ahead.<P>SIL finds her a house 4 doors down, and he yells at me when I call the landlord to urge the landlord not to rent to her.<P>He rides his 3 wheeler or snowmobile in front of her house depending on the season. <P>SD calls up on Christmas Day and says she needs 'dad' to come to her mothers to move a dresser. It is time to eat Christmas dinner, and he goes outside to warm his truck up to go down there. His 'family' had other plans and did not come to our house for Christmas. They were at her house.<P>SIL's give X job at the store where we get our mail. I put in a change of address so our mail goes out to the lake house. My husband says I'm ridiculous. He goes to the store every morning - even though she is working and he needs nothing.<P>BIL decides to move to TX, and asks X to clean his house. They have a family gathering when I am out of town at BIL's. H fails to mention X was there. <P>X's kid tells my kid that my H goes over there during the daytime. X's kid comes over and my husband goes outside and plays ball with him.<P>All the time my husband's "actions" indicate he doesn't want to alienate his X from him or his family. His words are to me only, that he wishes she didn't live here or was involved with his family. <P>Well, I've been 'brewing' about this one for 24 hours now.... We have a tornado watch last night, and the weather is intense about 3 miles from us and the radio says to take cover. My step daughter was over for dinner. <P>I want to get in the basement, but husband wants to run out to SIL's farm because our son is there, says their basement is safer than our basement. So he convinces me to get in the pickup with him and stepdaughter. Where does he drive? To the farm? Heck no, X's!<P>He stayed out in the pickup truck, said stepdaughter wanted to tell her mother to get in a basement somewhere. We are watching the storm move in, and I told husband to put that truck in gear and let's go. Finally stepdaughter comes out of X's house and we go out to the farm.<P>He says that he could care less about X, but he doesn't want his daughter to have bad feelings if something would have happened to X. I say he basically gave his daughter and HIS stupid idiot X the impression that he cares about the X.<P>And I told him the message that I got is that his actions speak louder than his words, and that he cares more about what other people think of than our marriage.<P>UGGH...<BR>Now, tell me if I am wrong or is he wrong? <P>

He has been wrong, maybe not where the storm is concerned but for sure with the rest of it. That sucks! I am sorry for your pain and anger. hope you work through his crap with X.

Too bad that storm didn't just lift her up and land her 2000 miles away.<P>Gee, I'm bad tonight. <BR>

TnT--<P>You say she has remarried...is she still? Does her H live with her?<P>I'm trying to formulate a reply for you...trying to find the words.<P>Cali

She got remarried about 6 or 7 years ago. She married a real winner, let me tell you.<P>She says "gee, I wanna move to live by my x-Husband in MN", so he quits his job and moves here. That was in March of 2000. She's been living a stone's throw ever since.<P>

I don't suppose it would help if I said that I think the woman is a nut-job, would it? <P>I understand wanting to be close to the kids, but sheesh, within running-into distance of the ex... c'mon. That's cruel and unusual punishment. grrrrr <P>And your H? Geesh... could be he needs a shed to fly up and whap him in the nogin...<P>What a poop!!

I don't think you are being selfish...but I don't understand why you are letting it bother you so much...do you think he still has feelings for her? Did she leave him?<P>We lived <B>next door </B>to my stepfather's X-W and kids...my mom didn't like it...but she learned to ignore her...X had the most problems with it, as did her kids. (They threatened me my first week in school there...I didn't bite and they left me alone...I ignored them after that...which wasn't easy in a school of 350 kids.)<P>I understand it would be galling to have his family take her in again...it must feel like she is usurping your place...but after so much time...can you allow her a place? I would take care that you don't push H to her...is what you are saying about her LB's to him?<P>Do you have issues with Open & Honesty or trust with him? Maybe talk with him about the rules of protection and care and make sure you are both on the same page...a frank discussion so he knows exactly how you feel and why--without LB's would help....he needs to know that you need to feel 1st in his life....that to you his actions are saying you are not...that they are LB's to you.<P>Cali<P>

You are right; your H is being disrespectful to you. <P>His family is caught between a rock and a hard spot. They do not want to choose between you and the mother of your H’s 2 children. They should not have to. <P>Your problem is with your H and not his family. Do not fight over where she lives or her involvement with his family. Instead pick your battles wisely. Your H has no business going to her home what so ever. If her presence at family functions is uncomfortable for you then your H has to understand this. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I just lost my darn post.<BR>It is just not my night!<P>My husband has historically not been an open and honest person. He has improved tremendously - but if it comes to his family, his kids (and now his X) he will "protect" those relationships from his evil wife. <P>uggh.<P>I'm really at my wits end about it, and he knows I'm angry, but he doesn't know HOW angry I am. <P>I am not going to bother discussing this with him any longer. I feel like he needs to demonstrate to me that he values our marriage through intentional action, and not lip service.<P>Cali, I do not understand why your mom and your step father chose to live next to his X wife, and why they chose for you to go to school and put up with that crap. This is a huge world, and there is a lot of "other" towns and houses out there to live in. I just don't understand it.<P>TnT

TnT,<BR> I have a different view on this..<BR>I have a simular situation in my family, and I am close (as other members of the family are ) to an X also...there are also kids involved. BUT we do not disrespect the new wife ( I should say newer wife, they have been married for a while)..now our X is not married...BUT other than respect for one another, and the common goal of raising the kids (also older) everyone are just friends (or family, as it should be)..I think what your husband is doing is setting a good example for his children...you can get divorced and still be friends, and when they had children that made them family...for life not married...but family. We all work to gether to make sure no one is hurt, if I spend time with X-SIL, I make sure I spend time with other SIL..I dont know if that make sense??/.. I dont think your H is "interested romantically in her"..I believe he probably does care for her the way I would hope my H would for me if we had been divorced..as a friend...as far as snowmobiling by..heck she lives four doors down...dont you think he does not have much a choice?...anyway...Hope I made a little sense H is calling me

It is true you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family, but she is not my family and I will not treat her as such. As far as I feel, my husband's family is not my family either. I will never feel like they are. That is not a statement made directly as a result of the X, it is because they have been against our marriage for 11 years. That is their choice. <P>My husband loves his family, this is understandable. I understand he loves his kids. But, there are boundaries neccessary for the health of our marriage, and if those boundaries aren't honored, then our marriage isn't either. <P>If his family wants to spend Christmas or whatever with X - fine. But, I feel like I do not have to attend family get togethers with X. And I feel like my husband is betraying our marriage if she is there and he attends without me. <P>I am just not going to tolerate this slap in the face any longer! <P>The last time we went round and round about X, I told him that I have suffered through enough with him with his affair, and now with his X. I have stuck it out, we have been happier than we have ever thought we could be. I am not going to go through this again with him.<P>It is our marriage or the highway, I guess. I guess that is how I feel at this point. Is that selfish? I guess I don't even care if it is. I am just not going to fight for my marriage, it either is or it isn't.<P>This is not the TnT you all know, I know. I guess I've had it.<P><BR>

TNT,<P>I'll be right there... as soon as I'm done updating my post.<P>Take a breather...I was just outside...and you need to go look at the stars. Remember how that worked before?<P>h2u

YES I remember!<P>And you remembered too. <P>On my way out!<BR>Thanks for the reminder.<BR>

are you back? Let me catch up..<P>Okay, TnT.<P>First... (((((TnT)))))<P>Second... is it a clear night there?<P>Third... the meat of the problem. Hmmm.<P>Okay, I beg for your forgiveness if I don't remember how you and your H met. His X and he were divorced long before you to met right?<P>Okay...<P>I know, obviously that you don't approve of his contact with his X. His childrens mother moved 2000 miles from no where to be next to her childrens father. Now, don't smack me.. I can't handle that right now. Going out on a limb here. I don't always agree with Dr. Laura, but I hear her tell X's all the time to pack up and move closer to there X, for the growth and well being of the children from the broken marriage. I don't know how you feel about your step children, but those are his and her children and they deserve to have both their mother and father in their life. I know that is a hard thing to swallow. <P>TnT, I am getting ready to have to move across state to be near my W, so our children will know but her and I. I am leaving my family behind and moving to where her family is. I am doing this, knowing that she may choose to be with the OM in the house that was suppose to be ours. I will move within blocks of her new house, to BE in her life. Yes for me also. I still love her and that is why I am going through with this also. <P>Now, your H's X may still love your husband. If she does, you can't be angry with him for that. There has been alot of time gone by that he could have left you and gone back to her and he hasn't. Don't give him a reason to do so now. His children want their StepDad out and they probably secretly want you out, hoping that their mommy and daddy want to be together.<P>NOW, listen. <P>Is that what you want? No it isn't.<P>You may not like the fact that his X is there at family functions. But YOU are his WIFE, she is not. She can't change that if your house is in order. I know you don't want to hear this, but hun, your going to have to accept the family get togethers for your stepchildren and your husband. Try not to be disrespectful of his X wife. Its LB. Try to be understanding, too a point.<P>Why... ? Well, because, I haven't been here for over a year, I can't really give you more than I did because of my lack of where and what you have been through during that period. <P>If I'm way off base.. please understand that I have been gone and that I'm just trying to help you tonight... not long term. Let me get back into the swing of knowledge here and I'll be better equipped to help you.<P>Anyhow, how was the trip outside? Stars?<P>((((((TnT))))))<P>H2Y<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 18, 2001).]

TnT,<P>Hon maybe it's skillet time for h. If this were something that only happened every great once in a while, or if h were more supportive of you in the past then I would say yes you are over reacting. But thats not the case, he has been doing this for a long time now and it's time it stops or you wack him one of the two.<P>I'm sorry you are still going through this. His kids with her are grown now, it's not like they have to communicate about visitation or anything now. He has been divorced from her for a long time. It's TnT's time to come first for a change.Want me to come knee-cap him for you ?<P>Hugs to you<P>Deb

see.. bingo Deb.. I was wrong TnT If anyone knows, Deb does.. Want me to kick him in the other shin?<P>Whew... I was wwwwwwwwaaaaaaayyayayyyyyyyyyy of base. <P>h2y

You know Deb, Sheryl summed it up. He's a poop.<P>And I don't even have the desire to "fix" him with a skillet! I feel like I have more important things to accomplish in my life than to be worrying about my marriage and my husband's inabiity to respect our marriage. <P>I guess I just don't want to fix it, him, his family or anyone here! He knows how I feel, disregards it, and it is up to me to decide how to spend my life as a result. <P>Last week, I called a couple that I have lost touch with in the last 5 years, I've known them for 30 years. He blew a gasket about that. I would have caved in the past and tried to enable his insecurities. I told him that he was being controlling, and I have no problem talking to my old friends - and I simply don't see how that should threaten him. So, basically I said "too bad so sad" - and this is what he more or less is telling me about his X. (It is not tit for tat, it is simply me getting determined about MY life.)<P>I'll keep you posted as this progresses. I'm sure this is not a one night vent - it is deeper than that.<P>

H2u<P>No stars, we have another storm moving in - but there were no mosquitos!!! wow!<P>Your response was good - but these kids are grown adults. I do not communicate with my X, we've been divorced 15 years, and we do not need to communicate about visitation or child support. Neither does my husband and his X. There SHOULD be no common denominator. <P>His children are old enough to have a relationship with their mother, without their father, and visa versa. My children from my first marriage are 27, 25 and 21 - and I do not need to include their father in my relationship with them, and visa versa. <P>The last time I saw my X was 5 years ago when my daughter was not yet 18, and another time at our sons wedding. I do not need to call him about any issue. I don't believe I would talk to him if something happened to one of our children. <P>Husband's X and and us have never "joint" parented - in fact she undermined anything we ever tried to accomplish. We were never in agreement about anything for our children's sake. <P>They split up in December 89 due to her affair. He filed for divorce in January 90, we subsequently met and were married August 90. Yes, it was obviously a rebound for him. We maintained minimal contact until about a year before she moved out here, and I understand that H and X were talking long distance regularly, the pretense of SD. I think my husband enjoys having the admiration of his X. (She lets him know that her husband is a weenie baby.)<P>Whatever turns him on, I guess.<BR>TnT

Tnt,<P>Sorry.. I thought you still had children at home.. Okay. Yes I totally agree with how you are feeling now that I understand. <P>I'm sorry. I should have read deeper into the archives, before posting.<P>H2Y

I haven't been posting much - this just happens to be a coincidental night - all of us here the same night!<BR>wow<P>hmmm<P>good night. brain exhaustion!<BR>