For the past five months I have been trying to put my wife's affair in the most positive light that I can. I have been trying to think of it in some way that minimizes what she did. I was hoping that by thinking about it in a certain way that this would stop my brain from constantly dwelling on this. My wife has been supportive and has answered all my questions and in every way is wonderful. I think I should just think of all her good qualities. She is still the woman I want more than any other woman. Yet these thoughts about her actions (a two night affair) still keep coming back to my mind especially when we are thinking of intimacy or when I have nothing to do. When thoughts enter my mind I try to think about something else but this doesn't work that well. Sometimes I give up and just decide to dwell on it in the hopes that dwelling on it long enough may make me bored with the whole thing and eventually the thoughts might dry up? My wife said stop thinking about it. Well I certainly want to do this. Sometimes I think in reading all these posts that it keeps my mind dwelling on all this. So I don't know if afterawhile it is helpful or harmful. But as long as I have questions I think it is helpful. Also I don't mind to help other people too.

Triggers will come and go, and every week they come less often and their impact is less intense. Time, learning new behaviors, and looking forward not backward help.<P>

I've found that physical activity, especially exercise, diminishes the impact of obsessive thinking, though not necessarily the amount.<P>Nell

i can definetly relate,i just found out a week ago about my wifes affair. i try to talk to her about it as i dont feel really comfortable enough to share this with anyone i know (hurt as well as ashamed). when i go to her to discuss the whys the 1st thing she will do is get defensive and try to make is seem as if its my fault, 2nd shell try to down play it as if i should just get over it and move on..thats how she acts anyway i cant tell u how she really feels as im not pshycic

dennard,<P>that's exactly how my WS behaves. In addition to this, every time I broach the topic of the OM she very quickly gets to the point of emotional exhaustion - she says 'it's too tiring'. She also says I need to forget about it and move on. The trouble for her though is that I am moving on - Plan Aing is damned hard work and with little or no feedback I don't know how long I can keep going. <BR>

Dear Rodger,<BR>I'm sorry you are having to fight off the negative thoughts. But I suppose that controlling our thought-life is a part of everyday Christian living!<P>Remember these scriptures, <P>"Do not fret or have anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.<P>And God's peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace, which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.<P>For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things--fix your minds on them."<P>We get to choose our thoughts. So try not to nurse it and rehearse it, disburse it, and let God reverse it! I'll be praying for you!<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited July 19, 2001).]

Rodger

Rodger,<P>Sorry hit the wrong buttonn #$%@*&^% computers <P>Anyway...I made a decision early on that I will not dwell on what happened. Easier said than done. I still have times when the PA just pops in my head and gives me a severe depression. <P>How do I get over it? <P>The best way is that i keep telling myself no good can come from dwelling. That helps some. I try to remember that you can't find happiness looking backward.<P>It is hard but to move forward you have to keep trying...<P>Good luck.<P>E

Rodger,<P>I do two things, first, I "rationalize" my W's A by thinking of OM as an ex-boyfriend. 2nd, when I start to drift off into those horrible images, I read somewhere here to imagine a large, menacing STOP SIGN. As silly as it sounds, after you do it a few times, it just happens naturally. I just close my eyes and huge stop sign zooms into the picture.<P>The ex-boyfriend thing is the closest thing you can rationalize it to. There was emotion and or sex and a break up of sorts, attributes associated with almost all ex boyfriends or girlfriends. <P>Give it a try <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Scarlett P.<P>I kinda do the old boyfriend thing, too...good suggestion.<P>E

Scarlet pumpernickle - I've used both of your suggestions and they work well.<P>Rodger - If the stop sign does not work well for you try saying the serenity prayer.<P>God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.<P>You can not change the fact that your wife had an affair. Accept that. You can change how you react to triggers. You can think positivly. You can tell yourself that dwelling in the past and obsessing about the situation will not help you. The past is the past and it can not be changed. If you have learned from the mistake then you will not repeat it. I know it hurts and hurts a lot.<P>Someone once told me I can NOT be my worst enemy. If I obsess about the past then I have become my worst enemy. Don't what if, should of, or could of the past to death. Again, you can not change it. You can only change right now and here on out. Don't become your worst enemy Rodger.<P>Peace be with you Rodger.<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife

Rodger...very good Question!! Ya know, the funny thing is, even the WS have to do the same thing to get through the withdrawal period too...in order to concentrate on the M and the W/H, they too have to let go of the images, reminders, and *old videos* that pop into their heads. (OK BS's, I am not justifying and I hear some of you saying, "Yah right"...LOL). But it is true. Couples that are really in recovery, both have to work at it. The visualizations of the stop sign or replacing it with an image of you and your spouse doing something loving or fun, really do help!! The more you practice, the less the triggers get to you, and their intensity and duration lessen, as well. In addition, the exercise idea, or any hobby is a great suggestion! <P>Just a couple of other hints that I have used...<BR>One is that I pick up the phone instantly, and call my W. Anytime I get a trigger....a song, a memory...anything, I call her just to hear her voice and it instantly lets me know I love her and the other voices/images in my head go away right then. <BR>If she is physically around, I go to her, hold her close, kiss her and tell her I love her. If you and W are at a place where you can do that, it really helps. And tell her why...you are replacing the old tape with a new one to help you get through this.<P>Dennard and Freddy...<BR>It sounds like you guys are still new enough after d-day, you are expecting too much of yourselves!! Give it time!! Put the Harley principles to work and allow yourself to feel and heal. Don't expect a miracle. The anger your WS is showing, is more at herself than at you. The defensiveness is because she knows what she did was wrong, but she will deflect blame onto you, until she comes to grips with what she did. WS don't just *get over it* either. They run and hide from it and act like nothing is wrong, but inside they are raw emotions churning constantly!! <P>I offer you my letter to WS located in GQII under Trueheart..Good Morning all....it is written to WS from a WS that has learned...it may help your WS understand a bit more.. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html</A> <BR>Keep the faith gang!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

trueheart<P>Good post.<P>You said: "Ya know, the funny thing is, even the WS have to do the same thing to get through the withdrawal period too...in order to concentrate on the M and the W/H, they too have to let go of the images, reminders, and *old videos* that pop into their heads."<P>I think my W (WS) has tried to say this to me in some way, because she is saying that intimacy could be difficult for her, too. (We aren't there yet, but workin gon it.)<P>It's good to hear that from another WS. Thanks.<P>And your advice to dennard & freddy is right on.<P>This ain't a sprint for sure. If you wanne be in this race, ya gotta be commited for the long haul...<P>Good luck all...<P>E