Yesterday marked "1 year" since WH has moved out(to live with OW). It was a very depressing difficult day . I won't repeat my story, but it's here for those that don't know. <P>Why can't I just hate him? After all, he has displayed so much hatred, verbal abuse and a total disregard for me. I've just been replaced by a horrible loathsome alien creature.<P>A friend of mine told me that I'm having such a hard time because of the way WH did all of this. The lies and confusion, . WH never talked to me about us or why? She told me because everything was up in the air and WH wouldn't and hasn't discussed any of this with me....that this is the reason I am unable to find any closure. Of course WH's actions speak loudly. It's the way H just left and has left me hanging....like he was never married to ME. H said he didn't want to be married anymore....and after he left he thinks he isn't.<P>These questions keep running through my mind.<P>If the A is attributed to EN's not being met....is this always this case?<BR> <BR>Is this the "Addiction/Fog" or just the real person WH is?<P>Does the "Addiction/Fog" only apply in some cases?<P>Is the "Addiction'Fog" really just denial for BS?<P>I've been told by people that know WH, that he is leading an entirely different lifestyle...that he has become a different personality than when he was with me. They asked what the "H*LL" is wrong with him? This referred to his completely negative change. WH appearance has deteriorated...drastically, it's like he doesn't care(on self-destruct). I guess he doesn't have to with that "creature". WH had told me he wasn't happy when he left, is he happy now? He surely didn't look very happy, he looked bad (sad). How could he be happy with everything crumbling and facing all the court dates. How could he be happy with someone that has NO integrity and is so repulsive? Has he lost his mind or does he KNOW what he is doing?<P>I know WH had a low self-esteem, I think it's lower than I thought, especially now. I know he depended on me, but I looked out for his better interest. I know OW is NOT, she is just vicious and selfish, looking out for herself. H always came to me with problems for my advice, he said I was smart. H is looking to OW now (she doesn't have a brain), this is only detrimental to him, this is clearly indicated by the existing problems that are growing. Why can't he see this?<P>I know this is out of my control. I know I have to look out for ME (I'm just having a real hard time). The pain and hurt is too great. The questions and confusion won't go away. <P>I know everyone is different...situations are vary. I appreciate the input here, advice. Sometimes it helps me to clarify things. What do you think?<P>OK God this is in your hands...please take away my pain...it's all yours and I don't want it anymore. <P>

Morning Hurtwife...<P>Wow...when the world turns, it turns fast! First of all, {{{huuugggggzzz}}}!! You have certainly been through the rigors of it all and the rollercoaster just keeps going huh?<P>To answer your questions about the fog...<BR>Yes. <BR>Yes. <BR>No. <BR>Yes.<P>LOL...does that help?<P>The A is the cause of something that gets triggered in the WS, not necessarily even knowingly. Sometimes it is just the attention from OP that triggers that Need A or Need B is not being met. There are needs that we dont even know we have that arent being met, until someone pops up and triggers them. I read posts constantly that tell of the kids, the house, the job, the family, the responsibilities, that become so routine, we lose focus on what it is we need/want out of our relationships. And then, someone comes along and triggers it. In some cases, the WS may go looking for it, but it seems to be the case more often that *they didnt ever think it would get this far.*<P>I think the Fog/Addiction and who the WS really is, are combined when in the Fog. I don't believe it is the true essence of the person though...it is who they are, while in the Fog. By that I mean...the WS ends up protecting themselves and justifying and displacing guilt, anger, fear onto the BS or anything else to shift the blame. So, in as much as it is not your real H, it is your real H right now going through it all. Does that make sense?<P>I dont believe the Fog only exists in some cases, but all cases. Even the ones that end up in divorce, where the WS or BS *know* what they want or what is best, I believe the fog is still there. That is why the WS, in some cases, never does take responsibility for what happened.<P>Oh the Fog is DEFINITELY denial. It allows us to do/say/feel/act in ways that are absolutely detrimental to everything we believe. It allows us to lie to you, our kids, boss, family, and worse, ourselves. We can flat out deny in some cases even being married, in order to keep the A alive. We can deny in some cases who we are, what we are, what we believe...we can even deny, in the face of facts and proof, that an A even happened. Hows that for Foggy???<P>Your H has alot of problems, the least of which is the OW. He has given up on himself, it sounds like. He has let his appearance go, he doesnt care about anything. My bet is that he is in a deep depression, feels he has nowhere to turn, and cant make anything work right now. I have seen it and felt it. He cant turn to you, out of embarrassment. He fears OW reaction if he leaves now...in short, he is trapped. His Fog is thick, and his options few, in his mind. He needs a path...do you have a flashlight or a candle to burn for him? It may be that is what he needs...leave it on for him in the window, so he may see it. He might have to pass by more than once, so dont let it go out!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

trueheart:<P>Yes, worse than a soap opera. Maybe I should write one....it's as unbelievable to me as the ones on TV. LOL<P>I think your right about something triggered this. I even think I know what it was. Before WH left, we were talking one night. He told me about an incident that happened before he knew me. He said "I never told you this". At the time he rented an apartment elsewhere and this happened at one of his neighbors. The neighbor had some people over, sounded like sort of a party. WH told me there was this female there, and she asked him if he minded if she masturbated, than she proceeded to do so. I thought this was odd, that he brought this up, but I didn't pursue questioning what he told me. I should have. After he told me this that night..no more was said about it, but it stuck in my head. Now in hindsight, I know this was OW and he ran into her when she came into the business. After he left, I asked him if he had met someone. He said what makes you think it's not someone I already knew. Putting two & two together, I asked him once if this was the same female that he had told me about at the party...he than denied it and said NO. I found out she lived in those apartments...so I know it was OW. Why else would he have told me? I now think that night he brought this up, he was trying to tell me something. I just didn't press the issue. Now this gives a good indication of what this creature OW is. OW has since displayed her extremely arrogant ways, and her attitude that anything goes. I know WH just didn't want to admit this was OW, probably because he doesn't want to SEE what she really is or doesn't want me to know.(maybe H is a little embarrassed). I think this was the initial attraction...sexual (LUST?). Why would he want to be with someone who would want to put on such a display? So I think this is what "popped up". <P>I agree that our lives become "routine". I know we got into a rut and I'll admit I contributed. I just wish he would have tried to work things out instead of letting it build and running out the door. <P>Maybe this is also H's mid-life crisis? To make him feel younger? H did buy a sports car, a week after he left. OW is seven years younger, very immature and a vicious self-serving creature. Maybe he finds this exciting, definitely different? I just don't understand how he can stand it? Feb. he complained saying "I'm almost 40 year old, and I have nothing". Gee I wonder why? (DUH) Throw it all away??<P>I also think he was looking before because I found a post later that H wrote. H was trying to locate a previous classmate from "19" years ago, that he stated he had a "CRUSH" on.(weird?) This was posted about a month and a half before he left. This is not the OW, but indicated to me H was seeking. I take it that OW came along...and he went for THAT.<P>You are also right about the blame. It appears H blames me for everything. I have been accused of the most ridiculous things. I know most of the things I'm accused of...is OW lies to plot H against me. Also it's my fault he left.<P>NO, H doesn't seem to take the responsibility for his actions. H can't see he brings this all upon himself, or at least it appears that way from what he projects. It's always someone else's fault or just his "BAD LUCK". I wonder if H really believes this or somewhere inside himself he knows the truth? H did say he is immature, bad at handling finances and mixed up in the head. So I think he does realize he has problems...but doesn't know what to do about it. Maybe he thinks....this is just the way he is?<P><B>We can flat out deny in some cases even being married, in order to keep the A alive.</B><P>Oh, this struck a cord. H said he didn't want to be married anymore, and he acts like he isn't. H even paraded into court with her twice, like "NO BIG DEAL". Of course this "HURT" me, I thought this was brazen. Total disregard again...for me...OW just eats this up (so arrogant). It only shows me her ignorance. If this is FOG..it's mighty thick. H acts like he is married to OW...just flaunting it. Even brought his children into court the last time and OW. I feel for the children...what an bad influence. <P><B>Your H has alot of problems, the least of which is the OW.</B><P>You sure called that one right. Since he has left, his appearance has gone down hill and he doesn't seem to care about anything. I feel sorry for him. Your right too...that he can't make anything work right now....it appears. It's because he is making the WRONG decisions. I think you are correct....I felt this way also. I don't know that OW is the least of his problems....I think it's more that OW is the cause. I know HE has other problems, but OW has a strong control in influencing him in his decisions and this isn't in HIS best interest...but hers. OW's handwriting is on all the paperwork I receive, that is filed in court by H, and an envelope she had addressed. So SHE is behind it all....anything to get at ME. <P><B>He needs a path...do you have a flashlight or a candle to burn for him?</B><P>Now how would I show him the "PATH"? Almost makes me want to put a light in the window. Unfortunately, so much has transpired up to now...it's such a mess...I don't know how this could possibly turn around. H has so much anger he is carrying now, especially towards me (HATRED)...I feel he has been carrying anger most of his life. I had told him he will not find happiness in the places he is looking...OW, cars, materialistic possessions. I told him he will need to look within himself, do some deep soul searching...and deal with HIS issues he has carried from childhood and throughout his life. IMO, he will NOT be able to resolve his conflict he has inside himself, until he deals with these deep seeded issues and puts them in the proper perspective (I told him this). I believe until than, he will NOT find happiness, because he will have to find it within himself...not elsewhere. I don't see how he could be happy with himself now? Does this make sense?<P>I often ask myself why I still have feelings for him, why I still care, why I worry....why I can't just let go. Something inside of me won't let go. Something I know was in my H, the love and care I once saw. I would have thought it would be "ALL" stomped out by now...but the footprints of loving memories he left upon my heart still remain. <P>I certainly appreciate you reply. It's hard for me to "THINK" anymore. It's all so confusing. You have helped to clarify some things and confirm some of my thoughts.<P>Thank you....May God Bless <BR>

Hurtwife, Are you writing my story? I'm sitting here, all weirded out because so much of your story seems like mine - except my H is young - 30 - so not so much of a mid-life crisis - but many of the same signs. Remembering things incorrectly, pretending to not be married right now - he and OW go to CHURCH together and probably pretend to just be a happy little couple - makes me sick. Acting completely not like himself. He's got a lot of things he needs to work out in himself - not just the OW or me. Lots of anger and blame for his life. I keep wondering if he's in a fog NOW, or was just in a fog ALL THESE YEARS?? Was it all a lie THEN, or is my real H gone on vacation NOW? I wish he'd come back!!! Said he wasn't happy with me, but sure doesn't seem happy now either. Why won't he jsut come back to something he knows and loves and lets work on happiness together? He's remembering things wrong from our past and basing a lot of his anger on those wrong details. Before he left and then had the A, he began saying the weirdest things about our past and things he was unhappy about - of course he was in an EA at the time, so the fog was beginning to settle in. He was "triggered" by needs that he all of a sudden was missing. I like that TRUEHEART. THat's a good explanation of how A's start. <P>sorry - I rambled a little too much, but your posts got me thinking.... thanks.<P>Lets hang in there. And we are very smart to turn it all over to GOd. It is so hard for me because I want to figure it all out. But we can't. God wants to work on our H's, He wants us to seek Him for comfort, and trust in Him for all of our happiness. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28