I will first off apologize to all of you folks out there who have had a spouse have an affair. I am the spouse who had the affair on my wife and I am trying hard to help fix what is wrong in our marriage. I do have some questions, a lot of them actually, that I would like to ask people who have done what I have and are further along than we are(about 9 minths since I came clean with her). I don't really feel right posting them here because I am one of "them" and I fear some of my questions would offend those of you who are trying to deal with this. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB!<P>Please do post any quetions that you have.<BR>As a BS it greatly helps me to see how the WS's are feeling and what they are going through.<BR>Please do not think that you will offend and please do not feel uncomfortable.<BR>We are all here to help each other....offer support and sometimes.....just give a pick me up.

Dear DownTime,<P>As I'm a BS, I'm very interested in hearing what your'e questions are. It might help me to better understand my H by posting with someone who is in the same position.<P>My H has very limited contact with OW but none the less still has daily contact. It hurts me greatly when I finally yank the truth from him, and discover that they have spoken again. It hurts and it makes me feel less important to him than OW. <P>Please do share and tell me about yourself.

DT...Welcome to MB!!<P>I am a WS, and I can tell you that here there is very little judgement and we all learn from each other. You can ask any and all questions here and you will get responses that vary, but are usually always heartfelt and sincere. Make sure and read the materials here on Surviving the affair, HisNeeds/HerNeeds, and read all the posts you can. Get to know yourself and keep an open mind whereever possible. I have a post here that may help you to understand that other WS know where you are and where you have been..http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html<P>Above all, keep reading, being honest with your W, and communicate to her!! In the meantime, ask away!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams?*<P>Trueheart<BR>

Thank you for your comments there. A little history on me first. I cheated on my wife twice. Once, a single time with this person, in 93. I won't go too deeply into the details there, but let's say I gave in to peer pressure and I was trying to prove to myself that I was a desirable man. Childhood sexual abuse by a male that lasted for a year or so, I have found out through therapy, contributed to my screwed up way of seeing things. Keeping in mind that I placed ALOT of my self worth on my sexual image, when things with my wife started going down hill, I allowed the 1st affair to take place. Then the guilt, shame and remorse set in. I started drinking. A little at first to hide my feelings. At the time I was also in a very dangerous line of work and was always stressed out. I didn't know how to talk to my wife period. I thought that everything was my fault and that I should be able to fix it all. My way of fixing it all turned out to be by having a second affair that lasted for three years. A terrible cycle began at some point in there. After the first one, I tore my guts out. I was saying that I would never again do that. With the way my wife is though, I felt I simply could not tell her. As life went on, and things with my wife got steadily worse, I was once again in a position to have an affair. After I had the first sexual encounter with this second woman, The guilt boiled back up. Suddenly, everything in life that stressed me out before was doing it double time now. I really kicked in the drinking then. Became a full blown functional alcoholic. Now you may think that I had this affair going the whole time, and technically, you are correct. In three years, I had sex with this person 8 times. I have come to find out that in times of extreme emotional turmoil, usually caused by my perceptions and my wifes srcastic and hateful way of talking to me and the kids, I felt I HAD to prove to myself that 1) I was sexually attractive, 2) Someone out there actually DID want me sexually, 3) I was NOT homosexual, 4) I was not AS stupid as my wife made me feel; I was intellectually desirable also. Each time I cheated with this person was after I had gotten angry with my wifes almost total inability to find anything good in me and alcohol consumption. I felt completely unacceptable in my wifes eyes. We are now going to counselling and she understands that the way, ie...sarcasm, hateful, impatient etc, she talks to me and our children is something that affects me on a deep emotional level. She says she understands this but she doesn't SHOW it in her everyday dealings with us. I am NOT considering another affair, nor shall I ever. If we can't work this out, then divorce it shall be before I even THINK of touching another woman. Here are some of my questions though. I am getting ready to be absent from the household for a year straight. The wife will not be able to "check-up" on me or anything and she is understandably very worried. I am at a loss as to what to do to reassure her except what I have been doing which is leading a life that God approves of. Going to church is what finally convinced me to tell her about the affairs. Anyhow, I am having a very difficult time right now because the situations that I used alcohol and affairs to deal with are still going on. The wife still finds that we just don't meet her standards of living, thinking, acting breathing etc. Here I am about to be gone for a year. Who is my daughter (11) going to come talk to? Who is going to influence my son's (8) behavior in a positive direction as opposed to just yelling threats at him that are never followed through with? My wife has come to me all pissed at my daughter. I will try to calm her down and she will say something like, " That little ***** is doing all of this on purpose! She is playing us against each other!" Well, of course she is. She is 11 and tries to get away with whatever she can. She needs an ADULT there to talk to her, punish her when needed, and be firm. Not pliably angry. There is a lot more to all of this and I have treated my wife like dirt over the last five years. But how can I affect a change when I tell my wife the same things are wrong with our marriage that were wrong before only to have her scream at me that it isn't HER fault I F'ed around. Well heck, I KNOW it wasn't her fault I made those decisions. What I have tried to impress upon her is that we need to fix what is wrong, that we BOTH need to change things about oursleves. But I am the cheater, the scum bag and I will wear those badges of truth for all to see. But how the heck do I try talking to her about this? I am leaving soon. If she wants to be mad at me for what I have done, by all means she can! She has a RIGHT to be angry with me and I shall bear that cross no matter how difficult it gets. But for God's sake, how do I protect the kids from this when she makes sure she yells loud enough for them to hear? SHe wants them to know what kind of man I am, FINE! I will tell them myself when they turn 21. But 11 & 8? I am horribly sick with the way I have treated my wife, the way I have lived my life until last October, but I find the sober no-affair-having way of life even more difficult, and sometimes, more painful way of life than the one I was having before. I love this woman with all my heart. I never, ever want to hurt her like this again. But what do I do about this person in her that comes out when she is irritated? She isn't like this all the time by any means and I don't want to leave that impression. But at LEAST three times a week she explodes on ONE of us. It is to the point where I feel like she is ALWAYS angry with ONE of us in this house. I just wish she would treat the three of us with as much love, affection and acceptance as she does our damned dogs. I am so confused. I literally have no one to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy and today is a good day. Man have I taken a bad situation and just totally screwed it up by having an affair.

Oh, forgot to say this. I haven't had any contact with the other woman since last December when I called her to tell her that she had better stop harrassing my wife or I would come stand on her desk (she's a realestate agent), and scream out to the whole world that she was a lying, cheating so-and-so. IMO if the man who has cheated on his wife is still in contact with the other woman, and his wife has expressed a desire to fix the marriage, that man has something SERIOUSLY wrong with him. The spouse should probaly do some deep soul searching. I guess that men aren't the only one's that applies to.

DownTime--<P>Please read about Plan A....it talks about changing yourself and working on yourself...a path that you have already started...<P>Is your wife willing to go to counseling? Is she open to reading books? Will she check out the concepts of MarriageBuilders?<P>I, like your wife, exploded often and frequently to my H and my children...it is behavior that I regret everyday now...I have since had revelations about my behavior and the 'why' I did it...actually occurred before I discovered my H's affair....<P>He is reluctant to believe that I have changed...and, actually, it is an every day job to work on it...I have had to learn and use coping mechanisms....so mini-explosions still occur...but both H and children see me stop...count...take a time out...do actions to reverse and change my behavior.<P>Also, my parents divorced when I was younger, so I also understand the pain of being put in the middle of them and finding out early that they both had clay feet...not something a 10 yr old needs to know....so I understand how you feel about your children...<P>Try to go somewhere neutral with your wife and discuss frankly these things. When she explodes...don't react in anger yourself....explain what you are going through, what you see her going through, that you understand, what you see your children go through...do it in terms of NOT BLAMING...just reporting information....<P>This stuff is hard....there are lots of books and resources from which to learn, however....<P>Faith and prayer can see you through it---<P>Cali

Thanks Cali, but let me tell you, that is MUCH easier said than done. I have tried that before only to have an arguement that lasted for a couple of days. And I do pray. Alot. I guess that my dislike of sarcasm and anger is so strong that I make it difficult for us to talk also. I can only take so much of that type of thing and she is always so ready to use it because she knows how it effects me. I will continue to try that approach though.

I feel for you DownTime...<P>Until she can acknowledge what she is doing and her part in the whole thing....it is soooo tough.<P>...Very much like the WS who stays in the fog and continues to blame the BS.<P>Recovery cannot take place until both admit their part, take responsibility and take the steps to change.....<P>That's why I asked if she was open to counseling...reading...MarriageBuilders???? She has to have the revelation....just like we can't 'teach' the WS what they are doing that is 'wrong,' we BS's can't be taught either...<P>I am reading <I>Power of a Praying Wife, Secrets of the Vine, and The Way of Agape </I>. They have done much to help me take my original 'revelation' and be able to make my changes...there are some prayers in the 1st book that could be turned around for the wife....<P>Cali

I am just now coming into the MB forum's. As far as my wife goes, I seriously doubt that she will come on here. My wife's best friend has given her a lot of books to read on this topic since she herself is going through something similar. My Wife hasn't read any of it. I read more of it than she does which has really helped me to understand the things she is going through. I would recommend that anyone who has cheated on their spouse read at least one book that is for the one who has been cheated on. Puts things into perspective for you. We have been going to a christian based counselor for the last 9 months but have found it hard to afford one lately. We plan on going in for a "check-up" prior to my departure. At $70 an hour and me being military, it is hard to afford that much every week. I would like to go every other day for a year straight could we afford it! But my wife isn't much of a reader. Talking on our own is more than likely to end up an arguement, even if it is only her doing the arguing, no matter how I act/react. Any time that I start to say something that could come any where close to putting her in a position of resposibility for ANY undesirable aspect of our marriage is cause for her to become argumentative. Not always, but I have to choose the topic VERY carefully and bring it up even more carefully to ensure peaceful negotiations. I must admit though, here lately I have grown quite tired of this way of dealing with her and I myself have become impatient. Even with our children. I am coming back down to earth so to speak, writing all of this out today has helped a great deal. Probably because a computer doesn't ask you what the hell was going through your head to even think that way for.<BR>Thanks for reading today. I am also doing a lot of reading. You know, the thought just hit me that when it comes down to talking with my wife, I hate to bring anything up to her that I feel the need to talk to her about for two reasons. <BR>1) I feel like a jerk for saying anything at all to her after what I have done. 2)I am so afraid of a confrontation with her and what it will do to me that I am once again bottling it up. Only to have it come rushing out in a shot gun blast later. Btw, what do all of these abbreviations on here mean? Like WS, BS and such. Is there an area I can go to that has a comprehensive list of these?<P>Thanks again.<P>DT

Go to JustFoundOut Forum....there is a list of acronyms, etc.<P>WS-Wayward Spouse<BR>BS-Betrayed Spouse<P>Good Luck--the best thing you can do is work on yourself and make your changes and don't react to her out of emotion...eventually she will see your changes and it will set her off balance...Good Luck...<P>Cali

Thank you Cali.<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.