During the last week or so of May my wife started pulling away from me sexually and wanted to go back to school. We had previously been trying to have children for the four months prior with no luck. This was a shock to me as I had no idea of her intentions. Then she started telling me that I was controlling and that I couldn't quickly fix the problem. I questioned her about an affair and she denied it and assured me that things were ok and that maybe we needed to see a counselor. Well then on my birthday (6-11) she decided to not go out with me and instead meet some coworkers for dinner, I followed her and after dinner saw her meet another coworker who I knew and knew me in a dark parking lot. I confronted them and they both denied it and she was furious, I begged and pleaded with her to not call it quits and she left the house that night for one week. Upon her return the next Sunday, we slept in seperate beds and she stopped wearing her engagement ring but still had her wedding band on. That following weekend we were going to a family wedding and she was going down early but decided to stay for a work function and wanted me to go down early to spend time with her family. Well I had a camera with audio set up to record while we were gone thinking I might catch her on the phone saying something. When we got back she went for a walk and I went and got the video where the guy left it and saw what no man could ever imagine seeing...his wife making love to another man. I was completly devastated. My heart was torn into pieces, my world fell apart in one second, my hopes, dreams and future shattered. I would rather get hit by a train than to go through that again. I went crazy telling her to admit it and she kept denying it, she left the next day to live with her family, I called and told them everything, I told her boss and I sent a letter with a lawsuit for Alianation of Afffection to the OM. When I told her this she said that all hope was lost, she was still protecting him. Since then, I have continually asked her to admit it without luck and everytime I bring it up she gets mad and leaves. She says she needs time to think and that I'm pushing her away by talking about "us". She says she still loves me and that she can't just turn those feelings off and that I'm not going to lose her unless I keep pushing her away. I'm in a state of shock, I've lost 30 lbs., can't eat, sleep or work and I've told her this and she acts as if nothing is wrong. She is going to counseling as am I and she said that she needs to figure things out with herself before she can start marriage counseling. Meanwhile, I'm going crazy inside. Is she still seeing the OM, has it stopped, I followed her this weekend and she saw me so now she thinks I'm even more irrational. I love her dearly and have told her so and she knows I want to work it out, but what do I do in this situation? Please help????

First of all....I'm probably not really one to give advice...since my H the WS has left and is filing for divorce.<P>BUT.....I have found that the less I know...the better I feel.....because I can't control what he does anyway. I have also found that talking about it all the time does nothing but push the WS farther away from you.<BR>She is right when she says she can't just turn her feelings off.....for some reason the WS's seem to think they can.<BR>I wish it were true.....then us BS's would be able to do it and just move on.<P>Right now......and it took me a while to realize this......all you can do is work on you. You can't change her and she can't change you.....so there has to be a meeting ground between the two.

First stay calm. She is now in an affair that will need to come to an end. Don't follow her and give her space, if not she will feel caged in. Do you have children together if not you can handle this differently. You both need to see a <BR>Professional marriage consular. This happened because you are drifting from her or she from you. Don't let that happen. If this is her first affair then you might have a chance of rebuilding. Follow the marriage builder’s ideas and make her feel warm and secure. I know this is all a nightmare to you as it was to me but you must become strong and sure of yourself in order to handle this well.<BR>

gdc,<P>I thought I would give you a little information that you may find useful.<P>First of all, I know what you are going through - my wife had an affair last year, and we have now been in recovery for 10 months.<P>I can understand the pain and anguish you feel. However, you are going about this the wrong way. You are not doing anything to make your wife to want to come back to you.<P>I found many things on this website to be particularly helpful in changing my attitudes and behaviors towards marriage. If you are open to new ideas, please consider the following links:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>What to do with an unfaithful wife</A><P>When you are finished with that, you may want to read up on the concept of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. I found this to be quite an eye opener. There is also information here on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>How to overcome them</A>.<P>There is a lot more info than this that is here and available to you. It's hard to come to terms with all of this, I know, but if you just try to learn and understand how your wife has fallen out of love with you and how you can get her back, then you have an opportunity to recover.<P>Read as much as you can, and if you feel you can't go at it alone try the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>counseling service</A>they offer here. I personally haven't used it, but there are many here who have and I've heard nothing but good things about it.<P>-HD

Thank you adamsol. We have no children and it is her first affair. She comes from a family that has no divorce history anywhere and are very Christain oriented. They are being very careful not to make her feel threated but to encourage family values and commintments that she has made. She is staying with them during the week and friends on the weekends going out partying. The one girl she stays with is divorced and is probably giving terrible counsel. With her going to counseling and myself going I hope that she will make a comminntent to go soon. I know she has to feel terrible but she will not come clean. I have read His Needs Her Needs and it has helped. Do I just keep up the turtle game or what. The reconcilation analogy, if one pokes and prods a turtle it will not come out of it's shell, if you leave it alone eventually it will come out. Hopefully I can creat this environment for her. Any ideas??

OK gdc - if you haven't already, go to the Just Found Out board and read the post General Welcome for New MB'ers. Then read my post there titled, WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses.<P>Next, order a copy of "Surviving An Affair" in the Bookstore section of this site.<P>In the meantime, follow the advice given above by not tailing or trying to talk sense into your wife. No need to snoop any more - you know everything you need to know about her behavior. Do not expect her to admit anything. She is following the script perfectly.<P>Does she know about your evidence? For hard core deniers, it usually takes hard core evidence - and even then, they can deny, deny, deny. "Oh, we weren't making love, I was just helping him realize he could still be romantic with his wife."<P>See a doc about anti-depression medicine. I lost 25 pounds on the infidelity diet. This is a sure sign of deprerssion, and it's very common for your situation.<P>Consider a counseling session with Steve Harley after you get finished your reading of SAA.<P>Get ready for a roller coaster ride. You can salvage this, but it won't likely happen soon and it won't be easy, but it can be done.<P>WAT

I am puzzled as to how your wife can deny having an affair when you have a video showing her making love with another man. Does she know that you have this video. The above posts are giving you good advice to stop pursuing your wife. You cannot control what she does or will do. You can only control what you will accept in the way she behaves toward you. You need to detach and show her that you are moving on with or without her. A good book to read is "Love must be tough" by Dr.J.Dobson. Meanwhile go to your doctor and get a prescription for an antidepressant to help you control your emotions and to enable you to get a good night's sleep. You <BR>should also be seeing a psychotherapist to help you address your emotional trauma. You will survive.

WAT, I told her I had a video and asked if she wanted to see it, I almost felt like for an instant she was going to admit it. She did say she was sorry at one point for hurting me, my family and hers but she didn't actually come clean with it. She said that she realizes that there are unresolved issues but can only talk in front of a counselor and this was three weeks ago this Satuday. I feel like I'm taking one step back for every step forward. We sometimes have 30 and 45 minute conversation about work, exercise, house stuff (remodeling) and surface things but the minute I bring up anything about us she retreats for another 2-3 days without contact. She has said that she is trying to open the lines of communication and form a friendship again but it seems as though I screw it up by discussing "us"

Maybe I should actually show her the video, I'm afraid that it will turn her from me forever. Still very confused as to what to do. I've just finished Love Must be Tough and starting Monday I've been implementing some of those techniques. Although I disagree with the ultimatum thing because of what Marriage Builders teaches.

gdc - OK, don't discuss "us." You're actually better off than I am right now after 13 months. Just go slow and Plan A. Another good book to read is "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman.<P>Don't offer the video again. Put it someplace for safe keeping. Hpoefully you won't ever have to look at it again.<P>Assume that the affair is continuing. There's nothing you can do to directly stop it. Find all the fortitude you can muster to Plan A and remove all the reasons she had for having an affair.<P>WAT

WAT - what is Plan A? In a book did I miss something please inform me. I'll do anything at this point.<BR>Thanks, GDC

Hi gdc,<P>I'm very sorry to hear about you and your W. The part about the video tape just killed me, I truely would have snapped seeing something like that (although I did snap pretty good when I finally pried the truth from my WS).<P>I think you'll need this link to get started, it's about Plan A and Plan B:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>In all this mess, be thankful that you've found this site. It's content and the people here are absolutely wonderful. I don't know how I could have progressed like I have without the support of those on this site.<P>Read the articles, learn the concepts, know Plan A in and out and get ready, because you are about to go through a personal transformation. One that is often painful but will make you a better more understanding person. A person that can take the best out of the worst life has to offer. And you will never be the same again.<P>Remember to ask questions, vent and update everyone on your situation.<P>All the best,