My H. and I just spent 3 days in Ca. together and I don't know what happened, but everything was perfect, better than ever for the duration of our trip. The minute we start driving home from the airport, out come his comments. We were talking about communication problems today. He says I have never deserved to have anything bother me because he has always been in such pain from the things I have done. He doesn't want to go to c. because they keep telling him he has problems from before me. He says there all me. Sometimes I kick myself for being here. I asked him why he married me and he said he loved me and I told him that maybe he did, but I thought it was more that he NEEDED me to be everything for him. Is it normal that when you love someone, every single aspect of your life depends on them? I guess I just don't understand. If he was unhappy it was my fault. He has a blaming problem. Not that I don't deserve most of it, but it's not all my fault. I can't take it anymore. We tried talking about the reasons I had the A., I told him that it was little things, like him not wanting to watch our son, and the OM, offering. he said it's all about looks. I told him that I think he's sexy, or I wouldn't have been with him. He's really upset ecause he says that when I was in high school I chose him second. How do I win? I can't compete with the desires and dreams I had when I was in high school. I can't take back that I didn't want to get serious when I had just barely turned seventeen. He told me he wished we would've met and had sex, for the sake of having our son. This would have made it so that he never had to love me. Please somebody tell me how else I am suppose to make it up. I take the blows, most of the time, I take the degrading things, because I deserve them, but please dear God, I have never wanted to kill myself, but right before the A. I did, what, what, what for? I lost hope. I lost me and I was starting to regain myself and now I don't think I can. I want to love myself, but he makes me constantly feel like s**t. Sorry, just had to get it out...

Rainefall,<P>You can not go backwards. No one can. You and your H can move forwards. Have you seen Truehearts letters? Have you seen some of our posts where the Ws is unrepentant? <P>Share these with you H. Let him know there are a variety of people and personalities out there. If you are willing to work on your marriage and he is willing also, there is a good chance of recovery. Go over and look at the recovery site. See what they are going through out there. Go over the emotional needs questionnaire as a couple. <P>These are just some suggestions. There are many out here that wish their WS would be as helpful and willing to work.<P>Want to see? Just keep this post and let's see who else responds. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Although I am the BS, I can relate to your feelings. My H was all to ready to put all the blame on me, and has only recently realized his part in this whole mess. There is no way to tell your H what his doing in all of this was without it being an LB. He needs to realize it on his own, or you have to risk doing some major LBing. Your choice. Not very good options, are they? But I cannot think of any others, seeing that he refuses to see a C. <P>That's a shame he doesn't want to see a C, or at least see one for your healing. It took me months to get my H to agree to seeing one. He's still not to keen on it, but he's doing it for my sake. The fact that I've already been seeing her helps too. I have nothing but good things to say about her (even though I've only had 3 sessions). But H admitted to me, that the more he hears the good things I say, the more he's willing to go. Maybe that's something you might want to try? See a counsellor on your own, and then when the time is feeling right, ask your H to join you, for YOU. Just a thought.<P>Take care of you. Try to focus on the great trip you had. What made things so different than they were at home? Is there anything you can carry over to your everyday life?<P>Karen<BR>

Orchid & Topie,<P>Thank you so much for your replies. I don't know what has happened the past 12 hours, but I know that things are getting better. I think that once we got back from vacation, he was bombarded with everything that is bothering him. I am trying to be better at being better for him and myself. I guess God has a way of giving us light. I wanted another child years ago and he never did. He wanted one and now we are expecting. He's esctatic because it's due around his birthday. (our son was born 4 days before my b-day). I send out my prayers to everyone on this sight, because seeing your problems makes mine seem so much lighter. I hope that I can be of help to you all as much as you have been for me. This is the only place where people actually want me to stay in my marriage. My friend keeps talking about her nephew to me and how if I got d. maybe we could date. I don't want him or anyone else. I want the marriage that my h. and I both deserve and the marriage that I am determined to make for myself. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO SAY-- I WANT MY SPOUSE!!!! IT's GREAT!!!! I am not screaming with anger, just overwhelming happiness.

Isn't it awful when family starts telling you about other people you could 'date'. AUGH!! Ticks me right off. My parents are doing that to me, even now as H and I are in recovery.<P>My mum and I had it out on the phone the other week. She started telling me how great I looked at Eric's birthday party (he's the 2 yr old). I said thanks, your point is? "Oh you could get any man now". SLAP! SLAP! I wish she could get it through her head that I don't want any man now... I still want my H, better yet, H wants me too. <P>I was thinking about starting a thread about this issue, because I don't think we're the only ones who are experiencing it. Maybe I'll do just that. <P>I'm glad to hear everything is going well with you and your H now. I hope the lines of communication stay open from now on too.<P>Karen<BR>

RAINEFALL,<P>I feel for you, no one should ever have to feel as low as you sound right now. And no one should ever push another to feeling that way about oneself. You are a good person and a Christian one too, you have the love of God and that of your son, perhaps that of your husband too. <P>" I take the blows, most of the time, I take the degrading things, because I deserve them, but please dear God, I have never wanted to kill myself, but right before the A. I did, what, what, what for? I lost hope. I lost me and I was starting to regain myself and now I don't think I can. I want to love myself, but he makes me constantly feel like s**t. Sorry, just had to get it out..."<P>You do not deserve the degrading things, yes you may have looked else where for fulfillment, were you wrong in doing that, you know the answer to that. Where you pushed to looking else where? Again you know that answer. <P> Do you need to have some one else punish you for that? NO!!!<P> Do you need to conitnue punishing yourself for that? NO!!!<P>You now must forgive yourself, yes yourself!! Look at what made you look else where, talk to your spouse about those things, nothing else just what caused you to wander, ask for his forgiveness and what the two of you are going to do to make your marriage stronger and better for the both of you. <P>There are wonderful books out there to read, awesome advice here and great resources for questions that either of you may have. Grab them and get to work, you have a marriage to save!!! <P>Look at what was wrong, don't dwell on it, don't let it keep being brought back up it is in the past and cannot be changed only the future can you mold into what you want it to be with your spouse with his help! Make it something GREAT!!!!<P>Go you have a battle to fight!! Godspeed!! and Blessings to you both!! <BR>Dawn

Daybreak,<P>You touched my heart with your words. Thank you so much. I feel so much better about things right now. I was talking to my H. about my friends today. We were suppose to go see a movie last night and I got sick, we were going to go tonight, but my friend called my sisters and went without me. I began to realize that I have a problem telling people when they upset me. I keep things to myself. I don't tell them and I think that even if it causes arguements, its something I have to learn to do. I think that's part of what led to what I did. No matter what my H. said, I just swallowed and kept it in until I exploded. I must say that while I hate what I did, I am beginning to try and forgive myself and I am trying to learn from it. Thank you all for being my support. <BR>Topie,<P>thank you for supporting me although you are going through so much right now. (I think it helps to help others, it makes your problems seem smaller).

RAINEFALL,<P>You are welcome! You know how it is when you hang up the phone and you think "Oh Yeah", well I did that when I was done typing to you.<P>You have to make situations a "Win/Win" thing. It's a skill you learn, I learned a long time ago, don't always remember to practice it though. When I was learning to deal with kids as an aide in school, tried using them with my own kids and my spouse. It's non confrontational, so that no one feels bad about themselves, the situation yes, but not them as a person. There is some of that here on the site, look and read, if not check your book store or library. Learn to argue, not fight, learn to always feel good about yourself. There are many days that I don't want to feel good about myself or the situation that I find myself, but I am ok and things will work out and be ok, perhaps not the way I want them to but the way that the Lord has seen to answer my prayers, this I must accept and move forward.<P>So RAINEFALL before you got out to do battle, prepare yourself, put on your armour, (your spouse is going to say things that are meant to make you feel bad about yourself and what you've done, it's his pain that makes him do that I do believe)take up you sword (your new knowledge that you are gaining from this site and reading) and go out to create a "WIN/WIN" marriage, who is going to gain from your work and your effort? You, your son, your husband, your family as a whole.<P>Now stand up and give out a war cry!! <P>Keep posting and keep reading, I am out the door to the movie, I started leaving 2 hours ago to do this, I am so glad there are multi plexes with movies every 30 minutes. I am going to see American Sweethearts, by myself and that is OK!! Will be back later this afternoon, but definately after I get to work tonight, about midnight Eastern time. C ya Dawn

RAINEFALL,<P>Another oh yeah, where is Price Utah located in comparsion to Ogden? My husband is moving to HILL Air Force Base, next month?<P>Dawn

Well, I am about 3 hours away from Hill Airforce Base. I have several family members living right up there though. I hope you enjoy the movie. I want to go see that one too, so let me know if it's any good. I love your attitude and it is one that I think I will put on. I'll have to imagine myself in the armor, that will really be hilarous.

Rainefall...<P>I agree with Orchid...you can never go back. As soon as you and H got home, real life slapped him in the face again. He was back in the real world where it all happened. I am not sure there is any winning and losing here. NO relationship in here will ever be the same. The blind faith and trust are shattered, the love that was once there is replaced and changed. The hopes and dreams of people are all put on hold. Lives, personalities, everything stops, starts, stops and starts. And somewhere in it all, something new begins.<P>I think that the end result is that any relationship here that survives all of this, is going to be better, stronger and different, but never *the same*. I hear couples all the time that say, I want it to go back to the way it was?? Hmmm...I ponder that...the way it was is how we got to where we are?? Going back means having to relive it all over again.?!? I know, I never want that and I would bet most of you don't either. <P>These lessons here are all geared toward us growing...individually, and collectively. Those of us that have been lucky enough to find this site, listen to those that are wise and have fought the battles continue our growth, hopefully. We encourage and support others, thus feeding ourselves as well, coming closer to the person we truly would like to be. We use every word, prayer, and smile that we can to get through every day. We read every post we can, in the hopes that one or two will be what we need to hear to keep going. <P>My friends, we are all winners here, and to some degree, not losers, but disillusioned by what has happened. But nobody here ever gives up. Even those of us that have ended the relationship because it was no longer viable to try to work it out, have learned and will move ahead. We will be stronger, in the end, because of the friendships we have forged, and the insights we have gained. I think that moving on with our spouses, our children, our families, our careers and jobs...is all a victory worth celebrating. We come here everyday and read good and bad stories filled with emotions. But the key is that we are here, everyday, learning and growing, becoming stronger and better people. <P>So, my friends, take a second to smile, pat yourself on the back and look toward the light!! You are going to make it!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I'm back!<P>The movie was funny, kind of hard to laugh out loud when there was only a handful of people in the theater.<P>When planning for your armour make sure you get a good breast plate, one that is molded, doesn't mean that it has to be molded to fit could be molded for enhancement purposes!! <P>Go see the movie, it would be a great date flick!<P>Dawn

hmmm db....<P>not sure I could enhance mine...LOL..<P>So glad you had a good day!!! <P>Trueheart

ok, I am laughing now. A molded breastplate. I don't know with my pregnancy I am bigger than ever and last time I didn't even grow a cm. My friends told me that was a good movie. We have decided to go see Planet of The Apes together. Baby steps. I agree trueheart. I don't want it the way it was--I want it better and I will spend forever making it that way. I'm so glad I found you guys, you make me laugh. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat today and it just made everything else seem a lot better. My love to you all.

Awwwwwwwww Raine...<P>Now that is special!! I remember hearing mine and seeing the first ultrasound and him sucking his thumb! What a special time! I am happy for you!<P>Trueheart

Ok, right now forever seems way too long. Last night H. came home from work at 2:30 a.m.-he gets off at 9. He spent all this time with somebody discussing marital problems. I didn't think anything of his story until I went to go to work this morning. He took his ring off and left it on the floor of his car. I get my head bit off if I take too long at the grocery store. I told him I was glad that he felt comfortable enough with my love for him, to come home at any hour and not call and let me know. He simply said, "I don't have to come home at all" He told me that he is only staying because I had to get pregnant. I told him that staying for that instead of staying for me is not enough. He said he grows to feel (not hate), but bad feelings towards me more everyday. I'm at a loss. He told me that I have ruined my unborn and my three year old lives. I don't believe that. I think that with love and care we could come out ok, right? One mistake doesn't destroy your children forever does it?