I recently found out my H had started emailing a girl after not talking w/her for 18+ yrs. He claims she was never a girlfriend, just a friend. I don't recall us spending anytime together w/her during our 2 1/2 yrs of dating/engagement. Anyway, I found out his password and copied the emails. Seems he had talked to her about our marriage, only said "I don't think my wife loves me as much as she did in the beginning." Well her response read much more into that comment. She in fact is going through your program and is "Happily married." My H mentioned all the people that were at a funeral, even mentioned someone that wasn't, yet failed to mention he had talked w/this girl at the funeral (family friend, her cousin). Anyway, he had been TDY to CA and even thought about calling her for lunch, unfortunately/fortunately she was much farther away than originally thought. My questions: could something be going on? He never even told me he was emailing her to begin with, I found out on my own, and if by chance he had gone to lunch, would he have told me? I think not. 2nd, we had a big pow wow and I asked him if he was still talking to her, he said that she had emailed him a joke. My mistake for leaving it at that. I just asked him last night if he was still corresponding w/her. Yes, he is. Why does it bother me so much? He made comments about people I wanted to talk to (you haven't talked to so/so in 2 yrs and you're going to ask them questions about our relationship, etc.) Well, he hasn't talked to this girl in 18+ and it's ok for him? He plans to continue talking to her as well. She even invited us to a family get-together, again, something I would never have known about had I not asked. He decided that we wouldn't go, since he knew it would make me feel uncomfortable (hello, what do you think emailing her is doing?), and decided not to say anything about the email since we weren't going anyway. Am I wrong to think ill of this? Thanks for any help....

Oh, I smell a rat or very dirty laundry...... You are not crazy. Something is triggering you to make you feel nervous about your H's loyalty. From what you have posted you have a right to be concerned at the very least. <P>My H first said (on d/d) that she was 'just a friend', the 'she was a good friend', then she was his lover. All that in 1 discussion. So there is more than meets the eyes and ears. If this is not a big deal, then he would be willing to voluntarily stop, do everything to help you overcome this nervous feeling, not be upset and do what it takes to restore the trust in your marriage. <P>Any hestitation could be a key to a bigger iceberg of problems. <P>L.

Thanks, we had another big discussion last night. H wants me to make sure I let all know that he was being "truthful" by answering questions, by providing info. I tried to show him how you can still be "truthful" yet not give all the info. Now he's trying to tell me I'm getting it all my way by "making" him stop contact. I told him I wasn't making him do anything, his actions alone are what is affecting this marriage. Of course he brings up: "you never tell me you love me, you don't initiate the affection, all I need are "I Love You's", hugs, and kisses." I asked him if that was what he was looking for from OW. "No." I asked him how he thought a person could do these or even more w/this in the back of their mind. Don't get me wrong, our marriage has had plenty of ups and downs. If you go back and read the letters between us we seem to repeat the same things over and over. He still doesn't get it and appears to have no problems with this. He did provide a copy of her latest email where she's asking us to the get together, guess what, her gma happens to live in FL.. I keep finding little things out the further I question. He didn't provide his response to the email like I had asked. He wants me to call OW as well, I told him I plan to, and plan to talk to her husband as well. After all, if she's so "happily married" don't you think she'd be sharing this info w/her H?

Dear CIF,<P>Your H is still in the river: Denial and in the fog. <P>I am having the same trouble with my H. He is always on the 'verge' of telling me things that I somehow manage to pull out of him before he tells me. Hm..... even when OW called up to say she was preg. H said that he was going to tell me that night and that it was delayed because I was in the shower and when I got out, OW called and spilled the beans before he did. Too many concidences of that method of dispensing info. <P>Right now, my trust level is very low. My H also thinks he is being truthful. To a decide and techinically he may be right but it is the method of his 'truthfulness' that is in question and that being truthful is not the only quality neccesary to have a good recovery. Truth, honesty, loyalty, care and compasion enhance and rebuild the love that is lost. <P>Have you shown your H, Trueheart's letter? The fact that there is blame being put in your court is a sign of guilt. Many Ws's blame the BS for something or another and really stretch the imagination to justify their wayward feelings. My H brings up an e-mail I sent to him back in Jan 01, that OW intercepted read it, took it upon herself to reply to and then found out (the dummy) that it wasn't for her anyway, it was meant for H and he never got to see it because, she wouldn't let him and I did not save it. Final outcome, her response to me was so bad that hotmail shut that account down. See OW was good at setting up 'secret' e-mail addresses, P. O. Boxes, voicemail accounts, etc. for them to continue their A. While I do not claim to have all the info, I found out about most of them and did make her life miserable each time the hotmail accounts were closed. <P>See if the 2 of you can do the emotional needs questionnaire. See if you can setup an appointment with Jennifer or Steve take it from there. <P>L.<P><BR>