OK. I keep answering my own question - it's still fog from the A!! <P>But I really do wonder... is my H still in a fog from his A, or is this really about true unhappiness and separation? I mean, should I still be blaming our separation and H's "weirdness" on the A, or is he really just unhappy with the marriage and wants out, and do I still do Plan A until something changes?<P>10 weeks ago, we had some strange "discussions" about our marriage (7 years) - careers, having a baby, happiness - or lack thereof, my weight, his weight, our past, etc. Next thing I knew, we decided our marriage needed some attention and we agreed to work on it. (We had a great marraige. Never before had he expressed unhappiness - always said we'd be together forever.) The next night, H left. THen had PA. I'm trying not to tell the whole long story, ...he came back for short "reconciliation", then moved out anyway , says the PA is over, but they are still "friends" and he won't admit or deny being "in love" with OW.?? We tried counseling, but too much waffling on H's part. <P>SO now I'm plan A'ing. But wondering if it's still the right thing to be doing. I mean - I don't know what else to do - it's not time for Plan B! But if he's NOT in love with OW, then will he ever come out of this? Could his A just shook him up to make him THINK he's not in love with me and never will be? Is that possible? Is that fog? What if the A has truly ended, and H just wants to be alone??? <P>How do I get him back? Will I ever get him back? I know it's early in the game (I know, Cali - not a game ), but I just want to understand if the OW is still playing a part in his decisions (or lack of). I think she's still in the picture - I try not to ask H about her. As long as she is in the picture - she's definitely a factor in him not wanting the marriage to work, huh? fog... <P>Any thoughts? True fog? or other problems? What's the difference? <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Faith,<BR>Sometimes, I ask myself the same question about my H and his EA of last year. Although he has never admitted to it, I found enough evidence to support my belief that he did have something going on w/the OW. Anyway, here's what I came up with:<BR>Did you ever see a real fog early in the morning? Sometimes, it's so dense you can't even see the ground, or the trees or the sky. Once the sun comes out, the fog slowly starts to dissipate. You can actually see it lift, if you watch it long enough. It goes up slowly, revealing things one by one, first the ground, then the trees and lastly, the sky. Sometimes, little whisps of it linger on a tree, or a rock or a pond. Sooner or later, they too disappear. <P>I think that Dr. Harley's use of the word "fog" is no coincidence. The emotional haze our WS's are in are very much like a real fog. It just doesn't go away all at once; it departs slowly, depending on how much sunlight, heat, wind and so many other things going on. <P>I think too that it is directly proportional to the length of time our spouses wandered. The longer the affair went on, the longer it will take for the fog to lift (withdrawl). <P>As for is your H truly unhappy in your marriage, that is something only he can answer. Only he and God above know what's in his heart and mind. The best you can do is to keep on doing your Plan A and hope for the best. In time, your H will have to make up his mind one way or the other.<P>The real test is how long can you put up with doing Plan A. If he is still in withdrawl, it may take him a long time to get over it. Everyone is different; some heal more quickly than others. My heart goes out to you in your pain, 'cos I'm there, too, now.<P>Hugs and best wishes,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 19, 2001).]

"In time, your H will have to make up his mind one way or the other."<P>OK. Phooey. Did you have to remind me of that? yuck. I know this is true. I know that it what I must wait for. I just hate it when I forget that and then remember it. like taking yucky-tasting medicine. I keep trusting that he will come back to me, but I know that he may not (his mistake - he'll regret it forever )<P><BR>I need to finish SAA. I'm half-way through. I'm sure it will help me too - I just needed to ask my pitiful question tonight. If he is doing better at work, has started exercising, and started responding more often to my communication, I think the fog must be lifting a little. Thank you for the good illustration of the literal fog "lifting". That helps. <P>Withdrawal... I do need to learn a little more about this. I guess I think of withdrawal as NO-CONTACT and then having "withdrawal" because of the sudden change. Perhaps he is truly TRYING to break himself away from OW and is having a hard time - and he is waffling. <P>thanks for listening (reading ) and thankd for the advice.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28