I know this is a weird question. I am the WS (EA) and in no contact. However I just can't seem to come all the way back, and my H doesn't know how to help me. Do we both just need a shock to our system or what? We are getting along better, but neither of us wants a roommate. Any ideas?<P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

This really is a serious question, and I hope someone can help me. I agreed to no contact (admittedly after much protest). I introduced my H to this site. I feel like nothing has really changed since before the A, although I do see some ways in which we are both trying to change. Have we just hit a plateau? <P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

Hi Marissa. How long have you been in withdrawal? Your marriage cannot really START to improve until you have passed this phase.<P>Having an EA many times is worse than PA. (My H is in EA only). He's had no contact with her for 4 weeks and still has some feelings (doesn't quite count because although he hasn't been in contact he never OFFICIALLY ended it, so there isn't that element of finality that is needed in withdrawal).<P>Don't go to plan B, do you really feel you'd have the willpower to not see OM during this period? I highly doubt it.<P>What you need to do is just take baby steps. It is awesome that your H and you are both on this site!! (I wish my H would come here). Did you do the EN and LB worksheets? Just try spending more time with your H right now. If you find you don't have feelings for him RIGHT NOW, just do fun, friend stuff. Try to help him meet your needs, and you try your darndest to meet his (even if you don't feel like it!). It will work out eventually, you just need to give it time. If you can agree to POJA and the 4 rules on this website, that's even better.<P>You'll start seeing improvements. Make sure you stay OUT of contact with OM!! Any slight contact, no matter how insignificant it may seem will set you back. If it does, realize that and start over. You shouldn't have a time limit on these things, just keep trying and it will click oneday.<P>Hope this helps.<BR>HbH

Hi Marissa,<BR> Takes people awhile to respond some days.The board has been having some technical problems lately. Hang in there with us a bit!<P> I'm a BS that has been in recovery with my H for 20 months now. He had an EA. For us BSs sometimes it is harder to deal with all that emotional connection than a physical encounter.<P> About a month after our d-day H was still wanting to separate to decide if he really wanted to be married. He still spent as much time here at home as he did away as the kids refused to hang out with him in his new place. We began "dating" again and focusing on us and the way we used to be in our more "carefree, not so laden with responsibility" days. I still say the time apart helped us. It was hard for him to think everything out, with working all day and then tending to the demands a family brings after work. There was little "peaceful" time in the house. Something always ended up taking priority over the quiet time he needed to spend contemplating what he wanted to do with his life. The separation helped him to see that I could actually manage without him but that I rather do it with him.<P>In addition to regularly dating, we also tried to take some mini vacations and overnights alone together to restore the romance. Dr. Harley recommends, I think, 16-20 hours a week, of time completely for just the two of you to help restore the feelings you once had.He even recommends that you continue in that fashion for your lifetime together. We did simple things, walks, out to eat, drives in the car, anything just to get away from the rat race and focus on us. It helped emmensely. I'll be honest and say that we don't get 16-20 hours alone together every week with 3 kids to raise, but we do make it a priority to have date nights or get out to have a meal together alone, even if we just run to the deli and eat in the park.<P>Others will be along to offer help. You are doing a good thing by coming here. There is lots of support to be found! All the best to you! <BR>

Hi HurtbyHubby. Thanks for replying. I have been in no contact since November. I'm not sure the OM would even speak to me, so that's not a problem.<BR>I don't think my H posts here, but he has read the threads that I have sent him. He has asked that I fill out the emotional needs qnr and I intend to do so.<BR>I don't know how much I can post here since we had serious communication issues which in a large way contributed to my EA. I don't want him to get mad at me again for 'talking to everyone but him'.<BR>

Thanks for your reply, mthrrhbrd. We are trying to do more together, but the activities we tend to do together are triggers for me in connection with the OM. I think this is part of my problem, as I seem to have nothing that doesn't remind me in some way of the mess I've made.

Bump up in hopes of more replies...