I can't plan A, can't. Yeah, it's great when H is around, I love spending time with him, hanging out, etc. But when he's gone - I just can't do it. The nightmares came back last night, I think about him all the time, I have anxiety attacks. No. He's not back with OW, but he's so engrossed in work/school he just has no time for us. Yeah, he spends what little free time he has, but it's not enough for me. I need a commitment, to feel protected, to know OW is gone for good. He bailed on the counselor appt. Tuesday (although he does have a viable reason and I KNEW about it, but just hoped he could re-arrange his schedule). <P>He called this morning to talk with me cuz' I had left a message last night cuz' I was upset and missed him. But he's working non-stop grabbing what little sleep he can until Monday night (His 46-hour awake shift ends tomorrow at 8am, 12 hours of sleep - assuming he can ACTUALLY sleep - then he goes again until Monday morning - only 36 hours that time). Then we get to see him for a few hours and he's gone again until Wednesday night. And now I have to wait until the week AFTER next for him to start counseling, the thing that was SUPPOSED to help him decide to end it completely with OW.<P>Ugh. Fine. I just re-read what I wrote and realized I'm just upset and mad because the kids were giving me a hard time and my H wasn't there to help this morning. My letter was going to tell him to get the he** away from me until he completely ends it with OW and commits 100% to the marriage, but I will hold off and see what happens (it's the first week he actually has some REAL free time available). Next week he should have even more (school ends today). Ugh. I guess I can plan A a while longer... I hate waiting, I am BAD at it...<P>Alright, Kim, think positive. He's not in contact with OW, he's doing more positive stuff every day, he wants/likes to spend time with me, he's gonna go to counseling. Positive, positive, positive...<P>Thanks for hearing me vent.

HbH,<P>Just wanted you to know that I heard your vent. It's an important part of venting you know.<P>Take it one day at a time right now.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thanks Z. It does help to have people here listening... I can't believe how much my mood changed from when I first starting writing to the end of the letter. I guess it really does help to get it out on paper/computer...<P>Thanks for being here.

hbh<P>Vent away...<P>I understand completely how frustrating it is to wait for a commitment. I have been waiting for 5 months and just when I think we are getting there...like quicksilver...it seems to slip away.<P>We BSs sem to have that patience of Job sometimes, but of course we don't, so sometimes it is helpful just to vent to each other. It probably keep us on track a little and certainly helps the sanity to vent.<P>Hang in there...<P>E <P>

Okay HbH---<P>I KNOW KNOW KNOW how you feel...for all the positive stuff happening here, when he left for his spot last night (and I knew he would--prepared myself for it) I was still sooooo sad.<P>I called him...told him I missed him...told him how great it had been having him here...how empty the house was without him. <P>Then cried my eyes out...it is sooo darn hard.<P>But, he came early this am like he said he would, I was soaking in the tub....it was so nice to walk into the bedroom and see him laying on our bed watchin music videos...<P>Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time...Let's not overthink, over analyze this stuff....get ahead of ourselves and all that!!!<P>Hugs and Prayers,<BR>Cali

HbyH...<P>Ever try keeping a journal? Keep a running day to conversation with yourself? It can be an amazing tool when you go back and read what you thought you felt at the time, and what you really see later. It can help put things in perspective, and it doesn't let things build up so much. Course, I guess what we do here everyday is sorta like that...hang in there!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

thanks everyone.<P>Trueheart, this place is my journal. I was never one to write much, it takes too long to get my feelings down on paper and then they get lost. I type very quickly and can manage to get everything down before they fly away.<P>So, this is where I go to vent and share what I am feeling. It has been a long time since I have really argued with my H (Memorial Day weekend was last time), all because I can come here to vent. Yes, I still LB occassionally, but it is a weird sort of LB. Like I need to stop talking when he wants to end a conversation, yet he keeps talking, but I am just supposed to stop just cuz' he said he wanted to. Or I need to stop talking about OW even though he still hasn't done an official no contact and it bugs me and I want to know what's going on. He just wants to ignore it.<P>Sigh. Thanks again everyone. I'm sure you'll hear a lot more vents from me as the weeks go on.<P>

Dear HbH,<P>You started out angry but ended up on a more positive note. That is good. <P>I am proud of you. No major LB's since May? You definitely are better than me!!!! LOL! <P>The patience part is hard. Easy to say, hard to do. Breathe and enjoy the nice weather. Enjoy your family. You are doing good. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>