Should I tell my WS about this site while in PLan A. Here is my story for those who do not know:<P>I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't, the heart playing with the mind again.<P>During the last week or so of May my wife started pulling away from me sexually and wanted to go back to school. We had previously been trying to have children for the four months prior with no luck. This was a shock to me as I had no idea of her intentions. Then she started telling me that I was controlling and that I couldn't quickly fix the problem. I questioned her about an affair and she denied it and assured me that things were ok and that maybe we needed to see a counselor. Well then on my birthday (6-11) she decided to not go out with me and instead meet some coworkers for dinner, I followed her and after dinner saw her meet another coworker who I knew and knew me in a dark parking lot. I confronted them and they both denied it and she was furious, I begged and pleaded with her to not call it quits and she left the house that night for one week. Upon her return the next Sunday, we slept in seperate beds and she stopped wearing her engagement ring but still had her wedding band on. That following weekend we were going to a family wedding and she was going down early but decided to stay for a work function and wanted me to go down early to spend time with her family. Well I had a camera with audio set up to record while we were gone thinking I might catch her on the phone saying something. When we got back she went for a walk and I went and got the video where the guy left it and saw what no man could ever imagine seeing...his wife making love to another man. I was completly devastated. My heart was torn into pieces, my world fell apart in one second, my hopes, dreams and future shattered. I would rather get hit by a train than to go through that again. I went crazy telling her to admit it and she kept denying it, she left the next day to live with her family, I called and told them everything, I told her boss and I sent a letter with a lawsuit for Alianation of Afffection to the OM. When I told her this she said that all hope was lost, she was still protecting him. Since then, I have continually asked her to admit it without luck and everytime I bring it up she gets mad and leaves. She says she needs time to think and that I'm pushing her away by talking about "us". She says she still loves me and that she can't just turn those feelings off and that I'm not going to lose her unless I keep pushing her away. I'm in a state of shock, I've lost 30 lbs., can't eat, sleep or work and I've told her this and she acts as if nothing is wrong. She is going to counseling as am I and she said that she needs to figure things out with herself before she can start marriage counseling. Meanwhile, I'm going crazy inside. Is she still seeing the OM, has it stopped, I followed her this weekend and she saw me so now she thinks I'm even more irrational. I love her dearly and have told her so and she knows I want to work it out, but what do I do in this situation? Please help????

Hi GDC,<P>I am a veteran poster and I would suggest you NOT tell your spouse of this site.<P>Actually it depends on your marital status, if you're in TRUE recover where your spouse is on-board with POJA and is willing to truly work to recovery, then "YES" by all means tell her.<P>In my 1+ year on this site I have seen several instances where inviting the spouse here has been a disaster. Their perceptin is they are being manipulated, that the intentions of the BS aren't sincere and they are following a plan to "TRAP" their spouses into something they don't want. They don't see or appreciate that the BS are looking for help to improve and salvage not only their marriage, but themselves as well. And that is just one of the several reasons. I would profoundly advise against showing them MB until they have made a true and sincere commitment to recover your marriage.<P>Best,<BR>Jo

yep. I agree with Jo.. Wife and OM came and caused my departure from here twice over the last 2 years. It was a MAJOR LB for her to see my postings and my anger.. vents.. expressed here. Dats why I have had 3 nicks... <P>I'd be wary..

Ditto Resilient and H2Y--<P>I invited my H here and OW followed...I would NOT recommend it.<P>I have also had several different user names as a result--<BR>InShockInCal, StrongerInCali, Diva and, now, JustPlainCali.<P>Keep this place for you until you are into recovery and your wife has made committment to you and to marriage...<P>Cali

Hey... I didn't know you were diva Plus all those others, cept for the first.. heck.. i don't remember which one I knew you under before..

H2Y, I wasn't Diva very long...<P>Just till I didn't really care what OW saw and read...H has already said he will never come back here to read this stuff...and apologized for letting OW know who I was...<P>Cali

Dear gdc,<P>I would have to agree that the MB site should be for you only. It's my experience with my H that no matter how often I mention that it would be helpful to him if he were to use the website for healing and recovery as I do, that he chooses not to. Partly because it will then make him have to face the guilt and the shame and also because then he knows that he would have to end contact with the OW. I have read some postings to him and many other items from the MB website which he has been open to. <P>Addicts need justification to continue the A. You're anger and actions, (i.e., the lawsuit, calling her boss, etc) are providing the justification. You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and implement PLAN A immediately. Unfortunately, it is the job of the BS to do the most of the work at this time in your marriage. At least until your wife is out of the fog and into recovery with you.<P>PS Get rid of the video camera and don't watch or listen to any more foggy movies! It will only hurt and anger you more. I know from experience what I say!<P>Hang in there and God Bless........and keep posting!!

Thank you for the advice! I am still in shock and since her move was so quick after the discovery of the A, I am unsure what to do Plan A or Plan B. Any suggestions, I have been trying to do Plan A, but never once mentioning "us". We haven't talked via phone since Tues. although we have emailed a couple of times each day, never anything of importance. Should I write a letter and tell her my feelings and what I learned from his Needs Her Needs and SAA? I am so very confused? Thanks and God Bless You!

gdc...<P>I would echo what everyone is saying. This site should only be for both of you, if and when, you are both committed to putting it all back together, like Zorweb and SeentheLight. They work together in here as partners. Other than that, it opens up too many complications.<P>Trueheart

I don't thnk at this time that it would be a good idea to make your conversations an educational experience. <P>How long have you been in PLAN A?<P>My H and I have been in PLAN A for 5 months. He recognizes that I have made many changes and loves me for it. I've made him feel safe. Safe is the key word. By my providing him a safe and protected environment, he now knows that giving up the OW will be OK. Because he has our marriage to rely upon. Unfortunately, I hit the skids and in order to protect my love for him, I've moved into PLAN B. He is anxious to come home and work on our marriage, but his addiction to OW is tough to overcome. Hopefully, PLAN B won't last long, but if it does, I'm prepared for that too.<P>Be patient and don't give up. Time is ever so important. Read, read and read some more. And then post, post, and post some more.

gdc<BR>I wish I had not told my WH about MB. I didn't tell him about plan B though, thank goodness, as then it would have no effect if I should decide to use it.<P>I suggest you appear less eager and more into "yourself".<BR>Read my latest post.

GDC,<P>I agree with the others. I wouldn't tell her about this site. Until she WANTS to work on the marriage, I wouldn't recommend marriage stuff to read or anything like that. <P>One thing I have learned - that seemed to work for me - is to stop chasing my W. As long as you are trying to get closer to her - and she doesn't want it, she will be moving away from you. As soon as you move a little away from her (psychologically), she might begin to fear the loss and move a little closer to you - or at least start to think. <P>As long as she believes that she has two men and she can choose whichever one she wants, she's in the position of power and control, but as soon as she knows that she can lose you - that you might not give her that option always, she will begin to feel a loss of control and may try to move closer to you. You have a right to be angry - a right to tell her how much she hurt you - and to tell her that if she values you, she must cut off the other man. If you don't tell her that, she won't respect you or value you.<P>I'm guessing that if she still denies it, you didn't tell her about the video. I don't know if you should or not.<P>I recommend reading Dobson's "Love must be tough". Don't let her read it either.

Another thing gdc, if you try backing off and find that it's working, do not start pursuing her again right away or you'll scare her off again.Give it some time. and also give the effects of what you're doing at least 2-3 weeks to make a difference in her. Don't back off to the point of plan B though, it is totally different.