SaltWater,<BR>I am thinking about to replay to your situation for a week, just seems can not find the time, sorry!<P>your situation is very different. My profession make me have to deal with a lot of co-workers and friends who are gay( I am in fashion industry ). We girls at work always very open about our feelings at this kind of friendship. We feel they are more understanding. There is a reason for us to think that way - because their dual identity, we can share our deep secret with them as a girl friend; when we need help they can easily become a male friend again.<P>I think what you can do is try to look into this and find a way to let your wife feel the same way about you. She need somebody she can share her most tender thoughts, yet protective. Let her feel comfortable to talk to you about anything, let her feel you really understand her (although you are so confused right now), let her feel you are not only her husband, but also her lifetime friend.<BR> <BR>According what she told you, there is no PA for such a long EA. I think she is looking for a person will listen to her. Not saying you have not, but there have to be some thing she is looking for and you did not provide her yet.<P>Try to think hard and plan-A her. Do not make her feel uncomfortable, because when we friend with a gay man, the feeling is that we feel so comfortable. Maybe I am wrong, but this is just my personal thoughts. I think you have a great chance to win her back. Good luck!!

TTL2,<BR>Thanks so much for your post. I'm going to study it for the next few days. I know she feels comfortable with him, but the hard part is that she is "in love" with him and in the past has done things for him she has seldom done for me even when things were going well with us, the cards and gifts, for example.<P>The good news is we're both in counselling, even though it is separate for now. Some days are good. Saturday through Wednesday was not! <sigh><P>SaltWater

Saltwater,<BR>I will rather go shoping with my girl friend than my H. My girl friends might know me better in some ways than my husband does. I will by my girl friends some gifts that mean some thing special just between us. What I am trying to sayis that my gay friends is more like my girl friends to me in a way.<P>I am not denying the love your wife feeled with the OM, but some times it is very difficult to say what kind of love that is. One of my girl friend even told me once that this gay guy like her so much and ask her to carry his baby. But , does he love her? No. They just feel so comfortable around each other, there is not any thing can not be dicussed. <P>Maybe your wife is confused about the feeling she has for the OM. It seems to me that she is willing to work things out with you. Did she ever mention a D? Why Sat. through Wen. is bad? Find the reason and try to make it better.<P>I am going away with my WH this weekend, if you like I will think about it some more this weekend and post to you again Monday. I am not a expert at all, just try to help and make you feel better. Only yourself know what's best and right for you. Take care!!<P>TTL2

TTL2,<BR>I like seeing your perspective on our situation. I'm sure it will give me even more to think about (and maybe talk about) this weekend.<P>Sat - Wed was bad because she told me she went to his house when I was at work on Sat and she took our adult daughter. Later I discovered evidence that she's doing research for possible separation. I didn't take well to that. Good thing I'm in counselling!<P>SaltWater

SaltWater, <BR>How is your weekend? Hopefully every thing is OK.<P>I understand your feelings, But, do not let her action stop you from plan-A. There are a lot of works before she can to either filling a separation or divorce. You still have a lot of time before that happens.<P>My WH went to see a lawyer twice and when I found the info. pages the lawyer gave him, I am in such a shock. He never filled though and we are in recovery today. When he really look into what he is going to facing that stoped him. They can say all them want about D/S, but doing it need more than motion rush.<P>Let her ckeck into it and see the real pictures of what she is going to facing and losing.<P>TTL2

TTL2,<BR>This weekend was pretty good. It was kept light and I gave her space (I smother her, she says). We laughed some, we saw a movie, and we shared some intimacy, too.<P>We're both reading the right kinds of books, and that's encouraging. She's reading Safe People and I'm reading Boundaries in Marriage, both by Cloud and Townsend. I'm starting very very slowly with the recommendations in the book, and so far it's positive. One of the main things for me is to be direct. I talk around things instead of saying what I really mean or feel. It's a start.<P>As far as her friend goes, she told me that he has a new housemate. I listened, and it didn't really bother me. There was nothing of how she felt about it, she just told the story with all the facts. I'm trying to be open to listening, but I will not participate or help in any way. I'm looking for balance.<P>As far as her plans for S, she has lists of what she needs and how much it will cost, and lists of apartments with availability dates. She's not going through a lawyer. I think it's her contingency plan if things get too rough for her. I hope she gets to the end of her book soon, and I hope she listens to that chapter and takes it to heart. It's called "Repair or Replace" and it is very pro-marriage.<P>SaltWater