I've never posted here before, but what I've read seems to be wise for others. I'm hoping someone can help me, too. It's a long story that I'll try to make short and hope it's clear. I've been married to H for 11 years. I've been having an A for a year-and-a-half and hubby has known for a little over a year. I got pregnant by OM and had a son 5 months ago. H knows the baby is not his but has chosen to raise him as his own if that's how I decide. My heart is with the OM, not my H. H is Plan A-ing me (killing me with kindness) which has made my decision to file for D that much harder. During this time OM has been waiting for me. He left his wife and 3 children, left his job and moved 140 miles to be closer to me. He now lives in the same hometown. The reasons that I haven't left H sooner are many...the OM had a child with then ex-wife just 2 months before our son was born. He left me for a 3 month period because "God told him he couldn't have me." That was the worst three months of my life, by far. During the time he was gone, he was trying to get back together with his ex-wife. He finally came to his senses and realized that he loved me and not her and he "came back." Since then, I have had my baby and been trying to complete the "process" that I've set for myself in an attempt to leave H and file for divorce. Here's the hurdle: OM, knowing this is the weekend that I've chosen to make my move, has told me that he doesn't want me to contact him until Monday. He wants to "back away" and let this be the time for me to make the decision on my own without the influence of him. What he doesn't realize no matter how many times I cry to him is that THIS IS WHEN I NEED HIM MOST and he's not there. Not only is he not there, but he stands firm in his decision and will NOT falter. I feel completely alone. I need someone that will put their needs aside for the sake of mine. I was the lowest I think I've ever been yesterday, begging him not to step away...telling him that our son and I needed him now more than ever and in return all he could say was, "I'm sorry, I'm not changing my mind." I can't say that anyone has ever been that strong and not backed down after seeing me at such a low point. It's hasn't changed my resolve to leave my H but it has made me question the love that the OM has always said he had for me. He says that he's doing what he's doing for ME but doesn't seem to care what I say I need. OM and I have had plans to get married and raise our family together once I left. Now I'm leaving and he's not around. I'll be alone now, H is leaving for the weekend to be with his family during this time. I'm at a loss and looking for answers...hoping for help.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<BR>

<BR>I've just read your post, and would like you to read your words again.<P><B> I need someone that will put their needs aside for the sake of mine.</B><P>Do you mean like your husband has been doing for the last 1.5 years?<P><B> I was the lowest I think I've ever been yesterday, begging him not to step away...telling him that our son and I needed him now more than ever and in return all he could say was, "I'm sorry, I'm not changing my mind." I can't say that anyone has ever been that strong and not backed down after seeing me at such a low point. </B> <P>Yes you can....I would guess your husband has been doing a pretty good job a staying strong and not backing down<P>Look I'll leave all the others here to send you to read stuff and tell you it's all OK. You may truly need to leave your husband, I don’t know, but thinking your going to run off into the sunset with the OM is a quite bit off the deep end. Time to grow up and act like an adult! Either get the he!! away from the OM and see what is truly left of your marriage or Stand up and understand that you'll likely be on your own. <P>Either choice will involve an education you probably won’t like. But that seems to always be the case when it becomes time to take responsibility for your own actions no matter what the subject matter.<P>Sorry if my words seem harsh. I wish you the best and you have come to a good place to start one of those educational options.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited July 20, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Snshne620:<BR><B>I feel completely alone. I need someone that will put their needs aside for the sake of mine.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is probably not what you want to hear.<P>You already have someone that HAS put his needs aside.<P>WAT<P>

Snshne620,<P>You are looking for answers to what??? I don't understand a few things. How are you going to leave your H when he is going to be out of town? Does he know you are leaving him this weekend?<P>What do you expect the OM to do? Take responsibility for tearing you marriage apart, not likely?<P>Snshne620, this is a Marriagebuilders site. I cannot imagine that anything I or many other people here would say that would make the slightest bit of difference to you. We do have some idea of the type of man you are marrying and deep down so do you.<P>It could be argued that you deserve this type of man, but the purpose here isn't vengence. Go read what Sheryl has posted to you, maybe something will shine some light into your thinking.<P>I do have some advice for you. I don't know if you have other children, but make sure you file that the child is not your H's. This child, especially if you are leaving your H, should be the financial responsibility of the OM. Make sure OM is listed as the father, and that your H is declared not the father. <P>It is the least you could do for a man that does love you enough to stick with you through this and yes even love you. More than OM is doing. More than OM did for his family.<P>Please post and clarify a few things, but right now I have no idea what you are asking.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need someone that will put their needs aside for the sake of mine. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have that man. You are married to him and he has done exactly what you say you need. The OM is just covering his a$$.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited July 20, 2001).]

Sunshine this is a site for MARRIAGEBUILDING, not a site that helps people to continue to act so selfishly! JMO, but you sound like a very self-serving woman and I hope you get the help you so rightly need. I suggest you go to gloryb.com, you will definitely get the "OH YOU POOR DEAR" from them.

Please let me add that if the OM can cheat on his W and have an A with you, then he is certaintly most able to cheat on you and have an affair. Is that the kind of relationship that you choose to have?<P>I would say that the honesty your H is offering far outweights what the OM is offering.

Snshne...<P>not much of what others have said can I disagree with. You are leaving someone that has raised a child that is not his. You are leaving someone that has proven your needs come first. You are leaving someone that has thought of nothing but you through all the crap you have shoveled on him, and has forgiven and accepted you and your illegitimate son into his life. You are actually thinking of taking that child with you??????? That child thinks of your H as his father, does he not? What right do you have to do that to that child? I agree, you are in such a fog and self serving place.....alone is where you need to be. You are not strong enough to be on your own so you will bounce from one man that loves you, to a man that not sure he wants??<P>You need to read my letter to all WS and really contemplate what you are doing....If you were a man, people would tell you that you were thinking with the wrong *head*, as it were. You need a time out....I give the OM credit for backing away at this time, and I bet you about five years from now (or sooner) hell be backing away again, or gone.<BR>\http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html<P>This post may begin to show you that where you are, we have been. Your heart, your head, and most everything else are in the wrong place right now. Read, think...learn!!!<P>Trueheart<BR>

Good Lord .... I had to count to 10 before I responded to this post.<P>Snshne,<P>Are you asking us to HELP you by giving you advice as to HOW to leave your H. Are you asking us WHY your OM is backing away for the weekend and asking us to SUPPORT you so you'll be able to have strength to wait for him (OM)?<P>As a few have said here, this is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS site, not a "How to leave my H and successfully continue my AFFAIR site"!<P>You have been given excellent advice. Your H, who I am starting to think you don't deserve, is treating you wonderfully ... being a parent to your OC and Plan Aing you. Yet you chose the OM, a man who is uncertain when the reality of you two being together comes down to the wire. You are most certainly in a FOG!!!!!! A 100% PURE TAKER. And altho this may sound brutally harsh .. I'm going to say it .... you may end up completely alone and I think that may be the best place for you at this time. <P>Many of us have been here for a very long time and have seen several stories ... do not discount what I'm telling you, you truly may end up without anyone if you don't wake up and "SEE" what is right there in front of you.<P>I have experienced the OC scenario, so I know from where I speak. Just because the OM fathered the OC does not mean you two are meant to be togther.<P>Do you really honestly think you and OM will be "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" by destroying two families??? <P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 20, 2001).]

Sunshine:<BR>You said: "During this time OM has been waiting for me. He left his wife and 3 children, left his job and moved 140 miles to be closer to me. He now lives in the same hometown."<BR>It sounds to me like this OM has done quite a lot for you. What more do you want? He has changed everything in his life for you. He says he loves you and is waiting for you. Maybe he's just trying to step back and give you a little space this weekend, and let you think clearly without any influence from him so you can be sure you are doing what you really want to do. Maybe you are mistakingly interpreting his behavior as cold or distant, when really he is trying to let you do what you need to do without any pressure from him.

I disagree with realitycheck. <P>When the OM lifts from his fog. He's going to realize that he just left a whole family behind that loves and cares for him. That will forever be tugging at his conscience. Can he live with that?<P>Sunshine, can you live with that? Again, if he can cheat on his W, he can cheat on Sunshine!

reality check, will you and Dennis Rodman PUULLLEEEEZZZZZ report back to the Mothership?

I echo what InLoveandInPain said ....<P>Your OM is not going to walk away from his family feeling clean and unaffected. In time, and in most cases it's a short term (FOG lift time), your OM will resent you and blame you for his leaving his family. Affairs are built on shifting sand of lies and deceit, nothing will ever take root.<P>If he cheats on his wife he will certainly cheat on you, and that cheating will probably be WITH HIS WIFE.<P>You should read all the WS's (Wayward Spouse) posts here, it will give you insight and hopefully you can learn from their mistakes.<P>Jo

If he cheats on his wife he will certainly cheat on you, and that cheating will probably be WITH HIS WIFE.<P>Wait .. didn't you say OM was on vacation with his wife and family right now ... hmmmmmm<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 20, 2001).]

I agree with ya'll, but the fog is thick and *true love* is in the air. There is no way this is gonna work. OM is already laying the groundwork to back away, and yes, sunshine, then the heavens will open up and rain on your parade. You are looking for the silver lining in your clouds?? You are married to him!!!<P>I gotta hang with WAT on this one..."ENERGIZE!!"<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Reality Check,<P>Are you lost?<P>Are you here to support Marriages (MARRIAGE BUILDER'S site) or an Affair???<P>If it's the latter, you will be well received over on TOW Board (The Other Woman Board) .. that's GloryB.com. Don't make haste ... you can get a lift there from the Mothership's express shuttle.<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 20, 2001).]

Snshne620,<P>Let me see if I understand your situation. <P>1.You have a H, willing to raise your child that you had with the OM?<BR>2. The OM has left his wife with a child (children) to wait for a possibility to be with you? <BR>3. Is he divorced? <BR>4. You want to be a stepmom to his other chidlren? <BR>5.You want a stepmom for your child(ren)? <BR>6. You want to deal with the problems that come with X's all over the place? <BR>7. Breaking your marriage vows for all this headache is ok with you and OM? <P>Questions 2 - 7 must all have the same answer. If it is no, then apologize to your H and work on your marriage pronto. If it is yes, then are you and OM really marriage worthy? Your mates are. Have you got their buy in for them to say yes to questions 2-7? <P>Package deal lady. All or not at all. Can't be wife to OM and not be stepmom to his kids and visa versa. The whole enchilada. Ready to break up your family also? What integrity. <P>Now, these are some strong words but what you are comtemplating is even stronger. This is a site that promotes families. You have a family. Breaking up your current family to indulge in a selfish adventure with no guarantees is not something we approve or support here. However, if you are looking to restore your marriage and work yourself back to the state of worthiness to your H, which at this point sounds better than where you are, then you have come to the right place. I guess, you need to decide your viewpoint and position. <P>L.<P>

O...the fog deepens.<P>CLAP!! CLAP!! CLAP!!<P>STANDING OVATION TO YOU!!(You were readin my mind werentcha??)<P>Trueheart

Actually, I read this, gave my welcome message, because all who come are welcome, and then read your story, with a different twist, on the Preg board. Egads woman, what a mess.<P>What kind of help exactly are you looking for?<P><B>realitycheck</B>,<P>Think of your audience, wouldya? Betrayed spouses and betrayers alike who are WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGES... c'mon, what are you doing here?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

How about a word from a man that has cheated on his wife like your OM? Let's see, right now he has moved out of his home that he shared with his wife and kids. Each night, unless he is drunk or with you, he is laying awake wondering if what he has done is right. Each time he pulls his wallet out to get cash and sees his kids pictures, he thinks about them and misses them terribly. He starts second guessing himself. He starts wondering if he hasn't gone down a road that he will regret forever. Then you two talk and it seems as though he IS doing the right thing. Then when you are away, or not talking, separated, he pulls out that wallet again. After each sexual act with you, his brain has dumped so many hormones into his system that he can't help BUT feel in love. It is LUST, NOT LOVE. Does he sit there and think of YOU when he is with his wife and NOT feel guilty for having done so? Do you really think that once the "newness" of your relationship with him wears off, and it WILL, that he will stay true to you? What makes you so special? After having cheated the first time, it is MUCH easier to cheat the second time. Easier to justify. But guess what? Like I have discovered through the severe pain, fear and anger that I have caused my wife by cheating on her, I realized that if I had left her for the OW, I would have found myself in the exact same position at some point. Unhappy. THAT is when you REALLY have to work on your marriage. I just wish to God that my wife knew how sorry I was for what I have done to her. Do you not feel ANY of that towards your H? Didn't you at one point feel the same way for him that you say you do for this guy? What are you going to think the first time ya'll get into an arguement and he leaves all pissed at you? Are you going to be thinking he is out looking for something else? I bet you will. Just like HE will be thinking the same of you. And are you going to feel that same way towards the NEXT guy when this new one pisses you off and you guys get into a rut? The lessons I have learned, I wish I could reach through this computer and throttle you, scream in your face to wake the heck up! Do you not care what your doing to your children? Do you not SEE? Think of your family members, his family members, all the great times that have been had. What are your kids going to do when THEY grow up? See that their relationship is getting tough and go out cheating? Probably. The lessons I learned as a child have had a huge impact on how I have conducted myself as an adult. I think that what these folks say about seeing through the fog is chillingly true for you. <P>I can see clearly now the FOG is gone....<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.<p>[This message has been edited by DownTime (edited July 20, 2001).]