Some of you are familiar with my situation. I found out about my wife's EA and PA of six months about a month ago. Since then, I have tried to Plan A, but she hasn't responded, and whenever I find out that she has maintained contact, she refuses to commit to even *try* to let him go. We have no children and have been married for just over 2 years.<P>I've been all I could be to her. Meeting her EN's, and talking about our problems without overburdening her with whining. We've been on dates nearly every day, sometimes several times a day, if we can meet for lunch, or dinner. I've been very happy, and very encouraged, but the truth behind it all is that she has maintained contact with him EVERY day for the past month (even since D-day) and when I ask her what she wants to do, she just doesn't know.<P>So we tried to come to an agreement last night. I asked her if she wanted to leave me and be with him. She said no. I asked if she wanted to divorce, leave me and find someone else, since she doesn't have the feelings she used to have for me. I asked her what she would do if she were in my shoes. She said she would leave. I asked if she wanted to stay, and truly give our marriage a try, and she said she wasn't sure, if that meant giving him up. <P>So we agreed for her to leave the house, again. I have been smothering her and she has been confused and she has continued to hurt me and lie to me, so that was the only way I could imagine for that to all stop. She said she is going to do a lot of thinking, and try and decide what she really wants to do. If she wants to let him go, and if our marriage is somethign she feels that is worth fighting for. <P>I have been working on myself, preparing myself for the possibility that this is over. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. She and the OM are in such a selfish state of mind right now, that I simply do not matter enough to either one of them. If you love someone, let them go, and if they truly love you in return, they will come back. I have to do this. She has to decide whether or not she feels I am worth it. If not, then I have to prepare myself to live with the results. I don't want to be single again. Just the thought of spending one night without her is enough to send me to the men's room and cry for 15 minutes. But if she isn't willing to even try, then all my efforts are in vain, and just cause my love for her to be torn down.<P>I know I've made mistakes, and probably haven't followed what this website, and SAA outlines. But I've followed my heart. Not my emotions. When all is said and done, what I need more than anything, is to know that I tried. That I did all I could. <P>I haven't given up ALL hope. If she can somehow come to the realiziation that she made a mistake and wants to try to reconcile, I will be waiting, and willing. Only if she is truly ready to completely let him go.

I am so sorry that you are in pain right now. Nothing any of us can say can make it go away, and for that I am truly sorry too.<P>I know you've done your reading here. So you know that her behaviours are quite typical of a WS. Just keep in mind that there is nothing you can do to change her, other than to continue to change yourself for the better. Plan A is what you've got.. and it's a great thing to have.<P>Karen<BR>

Okay.. I thought of something encouraging to add (I hope). Keep in mind that the majority of WS who want to work on their marriages have at one time or another during the A's said they don't want to work it out. That happened to me. H told me he 'definitely' wanted a D, that was his 'final decision'. 2 weeks later, we were on our road of recovery.<P>Karen<BR>

That's what I've really had to come to grips with... the fact that I can't change her. I can't make up her mind. She has to do it on her own. I've been all I could be to her. And I am willing to do ANYthing to get her back. But I don't want to "steal" her back from him. I want her to come to me. If she doesn't, then I will know that we just can't make it. <P>How I wish I could stay in Plan A. Just pretend she wasn't talking to him every day, and at least have her in my arms every night. But I just can't keep on living a lie. It hurts too much and it's just not real. She doesn't want me to touch her sexually, and wishes she were with him, every moment she and I are together. I feel like I am ready to wait. <P>In the meantime, I need to make new friends. My only friends are hers and her family. I moved from my home state 2 years ago when we got married and now all my family and friends are 1300 miles away. I really have no one to call to spend this weekend with. Where should I got to make friends?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B>Okay.. I thought of something encouraging to add (I hope). Keep in mind that the majority of WS who want to work on their marriages have at one time or another during the A's said they don't want to work it out. That happened to me. H told me he 'definitely' wanted a D, that was his 'final decision'. 2 weeks later, we were on our road of recovery.<P>Karen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for those encouraging words =) I do still have hope for us. I am not looking to get into a relationship with someone new for a long, long time, and if at any time she regrets her mistake and wants to give us a try again, I am ready to get on that same road to recovery.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GodlyMan:<BR><B>Where should I got to make friends?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Certainly NOT to bars or clubs! Sometimes a local church proves good. Maybe try a different one than you attend now (assuming you do by your alias). <P>How about joining a program for a few weeks? Something at your local community centre. Swimming? Woodwork shops? Painting? ooohhh... yoga or tai chi are good ones too!<P>Now, if you're talking specifically about this weekend, that's a toughie. I can't think of anything right now (but stay away from those singles dances! LOL... you know why).<P>Karen<BR>

Yeah, I don't drink or dance, so bars and clubs are kinda out anyway. I am planning on trying a new church on Sunday, since I want to avoid the bodybodies who will ask questions about where my wife is. Hopefully I'll meet some cool people there.<P>But as for tonight and tomorrow =(. I'll just occupy myself. The grass needs cutting, and I could always go watch a movie or something.<P>I have some female friends that I met recently, while my wife and I got into this whole "It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, right?" thing. Would it be ok to go hang out with them?

GM,

I think you are doing the right thing to kinda back off. Harleys say that separation makes it hard to meet her needs, but Dobson says (in Love must be tough) that you need to "let the bird out of the cage" - to remove any feeling of entrapment that she feels. That sounds right to me, and since you say she feels smothered, it probably applies in your case.

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:33 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

You already know the answer to that question... NO!!! Should your W find out, it will only justify her reasonings for being with the OM (in HER fogbrain). No matter how platonic the friendships are, do NOT chance it. Not now. <P>Karen<BR>

I know Dr Harley might not agree with her moving out, since I can't Plan A properly and meet her EN's, convincing her to reconcile, but like you said, she pulls away from me and wants space when I approach her, so I need to give her space and time. <P>I am very fortunate that no children are involved. This is hard enough as it is. If we had a baby, like you, AD, I would be beyond despondent.

GM,<P>I agree about not seeing the ladies now. You are very vunerable right now, and a kind word and a gentle touch could take you someplace you really don't want to go.<P>AD

You're right, Karen. I thought the same thing. If she found out, she would just have the justification to point all fingers in my direction. It wouldn't be fair, either. <P>You girls really have no clue how hard it is to find good guy friends, though. Guys only want to meet girls, the last thing they wanna hang out with is some bleeding-heart depressed married guy.

Hey GD,

Thanks for noticing my post and responding to it. Sometimes I get on here and post and it seems like the topic just dies - makes me wonder. <IMG SRC="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif">

Things can (and almost surely will) get better.

-AD

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:35 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I know what you mean, sometimes, AD. I definitely noticed your post, especially your last one =)<P>How can someone grow SO attached to another person like I am? My entire body aches and even after all she has put me through, I still wish I could just wrap my arms around her, just once. You are lucky that your wife does come and spend time with you, realizing what she has in you. I don't think my wife realizes that just yet =(

She will GD...give it time and follow Dr. Harleys rules. The reason you become so attached, even after all you have been through, is your constant and abiding love for your wife. I hope, for her sake, as well as yours, that she comes to her senses and realizes it before it is too late.<P>Trueheart

wow, GM, I was wondering about you and started to ask how you were doing last night. I've been away from my computer, but now I see what's goin' on....<P>Please know that you are not alone in this place. (((((GM)))))) hugs... You may remember from some of my postings that we have no kids, and my WH moved about a month ago, we don't talk much - he wants his "space" - but I Plan A as much as I can. Whenever we talk, I fulfill his EN's as much as possible, and I am learning to watch the LB's. I've also written a Plan A letter - sort of a Love letter sort of modeled after Dobson's Tough Love letter... I wanted my H to have my thoughts on paper so he could re-read and not twist my intentions. he knows I love him, and knows I don't approve of the A, and knows that I am here when he is ready to reconcile. I reminded him of fun times, and told him WHY I love him. It helped me.<P>I understand your pain. I hurt so bad inside... I can be having a normal conversation at work, completely occupied by what the conversation is about, and then this horrible wrenching "thing" in my stomach grows and spreads throughout my body, and i feel like crying and running to call my H. I love him and miss him so much!!! It's OK for you to feel that way about your W. That's how it should be. But we cannot force them to feel that way about us. I too, hate the thought that he may never come home and love me the way he used to. But I refuse to let him control my happiness. I can make it with or without him. But I will hold on and wait for God to work on him and bring him back - I will wait as long as God tells me to wait.<P>I don't have many friends either. I read books (Dobson, Smalley, Harley) A LOT. I Read here. I Try to accomplish a lot at work. I am Learning to love my family better. I Go to church. But I agree with the others - and you do too - stay away from close friendships with the opposite sex. I have found myself thinking wrong thoughts about some wonderful, Godly men that I know, (you know, like what if....) and I have to jump back to focusing on what God has planned for me, and praying for my husband.<P>Sorry to ramble a little. I guess I just relate, and your post got me thinking...<P>Hang in there. You can do this, and it'll be worth it!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 20, 2001).]

GM,<P>It is hard when you feel so alone. Posting here has been helpful for many. However, you do need personal support. Is there a friend at work (male), neighbor, relative close by? I checked your profile and this is just a suggestion.... maybe some of the guys here are in your area. That could be helpful. Several of the 'gentlemen' here have been very supportive of each other. They can help each other in ways us girls can't. That is ok. <P>Do some research here. There is so much to learn. Volunteer work can be beneficial. <P>JMHO.<P>L.<BR>

GM - responding to your original post on this thread - this is a S L O W process. It takes PTC - patience, time, consistency. It's hard to do, but try not to discuss "it". There's just too many opportunities for LB'ing in these conversations.<P>WAT

Broken record chiming in!!<P>It does take time... that dreaded time.<P>And WAT is so right... try not to talk about "it"... it was the demise of my first marriage, for sure. <P>Best wishes as you continue down this road, GM.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Thank you all for all your kind words and encouragement, especially you, Faith, you post definitely helped me. I think I might write a hand-written letter to her. I do want to give her space, and time, but I do also want her to remember how much I love her and how badly I want to work on our marriage. But I think I'll wait a day or two to give it to her. I feel like I've been smothering her and the last thing I want to do is let her get sick of me.<P>Orchid, your idea is a good one. It actually crossed my mind when I woke up this morning, before I even read your post! I wonder if there are any men on here that live nearby? All my "friends" at work are mere acquaintences and I could never feel comfortable enough around them to confide my personl lives to them. And my neighbors love their privacy! I don't know a single one of their names.<P>I live in the deep south of Mississippi. If you know anyone in my area, put them in touch with me. I'd love to meet and talk! My email is aragorn747@aol.com