Don't apologize to us. Hey, if I'm worried about YOUR problems, it keeps my mind off MY problems for a second!! <BR>And I'm so addicted to this forum, I have to have plenty to read and think about .<P>Just wanted to say - let us know how things go tonight.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Oh, I am so dizzy from this roller coaster. I am nauseated this morning, I am so confused.<P>When I got home yesterday, there where five calls from her on the Caller ID. She didn't leave a message, just kept calling. She called and I didn't answer. She called again and I still didn't. Finally she called again and I answered. She was crying. I asked where she had been all day (and quickly realized I made a mistake - I knew where she had been) she said she was driving around all day and thinking. I said, about what? <BR>She said, "About us. I am so sorry that I've been so confused lately."<BR>I said "It's ok, baby. I understand you need time to sort things out."<BR>She said "I want to come home, honey. Can I?"<BR>I said, "You're always welcome to come home, you think you're ready to?"<BR>She said "Yes!"<BR>I said "Ok, come home and we'll talk."<P>She got home and we talked. I confessed I knew about him fl ying down. She did have sex with him, she said. I had planned at that point to just get up and walk away and say no more to her for the rest of the day. I couldn't. She was lying there, crying, and holding my hand and I could see that she wanted so badly for us to be together. I asked her if she was willing to do whatever it takes and she said yes. So we talked some more, and when I brought up a potential no-contact situation with the OM, she started to waffle again =(.<P>This is where I started to get real frustrated, and to prevent hurt, I started to say less. We laid there, and I asked her a few questions and she seemed to struggle, and to <I>want</I> to let go, but just could not. It is so painful to see the person you love most, in such a strong addiction. Not unlike alcohol or narcotics. She started to cry uncontrollably, and she said maybe she should go and stay with her mother's again, just for tonight. I knew where that would lead, so I said "Do you think it will be easier to let him go tomorrow?" - "Or the day after?" She said no. So I said, ok, let's not think about that for now, ok? And she calmed down<P>[sorry this is getting so long! ]<P>So I told her that I was sure of one thing - that I <I>wanted</I> our marriage, but I was unsure of another - that I could do it. That upset her, but she seemed to understand. But I said there was one way that I could be sure - and that was if we both got right with God. If we did, no matter what is between us, I have confidence in God that we can make it. She nodded. I asked if she was willing to come back to church. She didn't say anything at first, but later said that she didn't think she was ready. Not this church, anyway. Another one, 1 1/2 hrs away, though, she would. So I said, "Well church is just an organization that helps you to walk with God, I am not asking you to get back in church, I am actually asking if you would get back with God. Would you read the bible with me and pray with me?" And she said yes.<P>So... the roller coaster known as my life has come here, once again, it seems. But I think we've made progress. She made up her mind for sure that she wants our marriage to work. She's still waffling, and I still feel pretty much like I did yesterday - unsure and confused, but at least today I have some hope.<P>Thank you ALL for listening, and for spending so much time with me. I promise I will repay (Pay it Forward?) many times over.

Good to hear from you. I was wondering... gotta go to a meeting again. Will check back in later. You know we don't mind being here for you - quit apologizing <P>K, you around?

GM,<P>It seems as though things are starting to take a turn, I am happy for you. I think that you are doing the right thing and I also think that she wants to do the right thing. You still need to be strong and have a positive outlook. Remember that you are proably better off than most on posting here. I would love to get to a point to talk to my wife about the A much less discuss church and getting right with God w/o a "don't preach to me" reply from her. I think that hits home to hard with her. Just remember that GOd is working on her, he will have to make her amiserable person in order for her to find his love through all the fog. I pray that prayer everyday for my W and for the Doc she had the A with. God wants us to pray for our enemies, although it's very hard, I still do it everyday. Hang in there, it sounds encouraging!<P>GC

GM:<P>My short answer is:<P>Let her come home. You need to remain in Plan A. Get into the counseling ASAP with one of the Harleys. They'll talk to your wife as well---and THEY can be the one who works on educating your wife to what her actions are doing, and how affairs work. In my case, my wife did have some early sessions with Steve. She hated them (and him) for a while---but that was fine. She actually ended up counseling with Jenn for a while, just because she and Steve had that 'history'.<P>I'm gonna preach consistancy to you. You've got to be doing a good Plan A. You need to share your hope and confidence for a terrific marriage in the future with you, because that's what she needs to believe in to let go of the OM (or she'll need to get burned very badly by him). She's still fence sitting---I think very little has changed. But the opportunity to get her back home is big, and I'd take it if I were you.

GM:<P>Sounds really positive, if you ask me... Over time I think things will really have an opprtunity to grow. I am very happy for you -- this is real progress and suggests a lot of development to come...! Patience and consistency, right?<P>zen

Strength. Consistency. Prayer. My creed. <P>It is going to be hard to be hopeful for the future at this point, but I know she needs that. I need to be her rock. If she can start to see me in that light, the winds may change and might clear up some of that fog.<P>I know for sure that I am going to call Steve, as for her being in on it, somehow I doubt it. I will have to approach her delicately.

Yes. COnsistency. <P>Decide right now that you are not gonna let her reactions - especially negative ones or NO reaction - influence your Plan A. COmmit to doing it. I had a motto for the first few weeks "I'm committed to growing in body, soul and spirit, regardless of my H's response or commitment to himself, me or God." Then when he came home for 2 weeks to "work on it", I lost my focus, and began allowing myself to react to everything little thing he said or did. Had I stayed consistent in Plan A, and keeping myself constant, I think he would've stayed and kept working on it. <P>I think the other thing - for you!!! - is to be cautious.. I mean don't expect too much commitment from her if she won't write a no contact letter. Work with her and believe in her the best you can, but keep in the back of your mind - for now - that she could leave again or call him. Decide that it won't bother you. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I can't decide that I won't let it bother me. It will bother me beyond words can say. Everytime she chooses him over me, it tears me down some more =(<P>But I will be strong anyway. And I'll give her more chances, and I won't look for signs that she is still talking to him. I'll be the ideal husband, and if after a few months, she still can't choose, then I am going to change the Plan.

Gotcha. Sounds good! <P>I guess that does sound pretty dumb... of course it will bother you!! Let's see... what was I trying to say..... I guess I meant, well, I don't know? It's like I know what I meant - but can't say it... anyway. <P>You have a good plan! <P>Have you figured out how to handle your parents?<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

We are going to act normal. If I am implementing a good Plan A, then they shouldn't suspect anything. If they do, I might say that we've been having some tough times lately and have grown somewhat distant, but I will leave it at that. That is all they need to know.<P>I am actually starting to look forward to their visit now! I wasn't before =(

Well, you've started page 7 now, so we might as well finish page 7, huh?<P>Congrats on getting her to write the no-contact letter! I saw that on the other thread - but didn't want to hi-jack. I think that's wonderful, and definitely a positive step. You don't seem to feel too good about it.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Well, I guess I am not all that hyped about it because she did it without me. She let me see it, but still. And she'd done it before. But this time she says HE has cut off contact with her "out of concern for her marriage"<P>First of all - yeah right. He doesn't give a flying freak about my marriage or hers. Sure, he cares about her happiness, but she is happy with HIM, not me. He is just doing it to pretend to be the good guy. I am the bad guy that is taking her away from the guy she loves. But I am not buying it.<P>I am still so devestated that she had sex with him yesterday. She has tried to get intimate a couple times, and I just can't bear the thought. I need at least a few days just to push it out of my mind. <P>I know I need to stop apologizing, but I can't believe we've filled 7 pages already. I hate being selfish, so I've been trying to stick to other posts for now =) God actually has been really good to me, and others need strength.<P>Luke 22:32 <BR>"But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren."<BR>

up -to see the "hidden message" - you know how GQ gets stuck sometimes and new messages don't show up... <P> I see it now. Gotcha. see ya<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

GodlyMan,<BR>I just wanted to let you know I have been following this thread for a number of days with interest, I think we can all learn and take strength from others experiences. I am pleased that your wife appears to have come out from the fog, I'm sure the next few weeks and months will be hard for the both of you. However with you been here in the first place you know yourself that you want your marriage to work. I hope the weekend with your parents went well, and good luck to you both.<P>Faith - just wanted to add that I have gained strength in some of your replies on this board, thank you.<P>mands

GM:<P>The reluctance to be intimate is natural. However, it is an emotional need of hers (that the OM is currently fulfilling). In a Plan A-sense, you can counter that (the next time she tries to get intimate) by telling her how you feel (rule of honesty) using "I" syntax (rules of care, protection). Intimacy in a marriage is a culmination of all the other aspects of a marriage.<P>Tell her you desperately miss <I>all</I> the aspects of marriage, including the physical culmination. No LB in this approach, and you take a step forward in meeting her EN and leave no doubt in her mind about how you feel.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

GodlyMan,<BR>How's it going? - I've been thinking about you.<P>Can I ask a question?, can you put your finger on exactly what it was that caused your wife to "see the light of day", was it your plan A'ing, or just her realising exactly what she was doing with her life?, or other reasons?<P>mands

GodlyMan,<BR>Please go read my thread today called I wonder - will I ever be hopeful again. My H came home 2 days after I gave him Plan B letter. He is NOT fully committed, and it sucks. As much as it might hurt, maybe your wife is not fully ready. My H wrote "no contact" letter yesterday (word for word from book). Then asked if he could seal the envelope. We don't have any, so I said I would seal it at work. He's afraid I'll add something to the letter. He typed it, scrawled something that may or may not be his signature. Then he asks if I will TYPE the envelope. He doesn't want her to see my handwriting. When I asked him if he would either handwrite the letter or handwrite her address, he says "WHAT'S NEXT? I WROTE THE DAMN LETTER!" I ask you, does that sound like a man who's committed to working on the marriage?<P>Just some food for thought.<P>Kari

Kari,<P>It sounds as though he is resigned to the fact that if things are to work, he has to do *what you say* and resents it. I dont see any remorse, or taking responsibility for his actions in the statments and mood you talk about, so I would say, be careful, but then I sense you already realize that, huh? I am wondering if he is doing this to *get you off his back* and leave him alone? I know when I wrote the letter, I was so damn sick at what I had done, I couldnt believe it. I wrote the letter, showed it to W, asked her opinion cuz I wanted her to know I was doing this to make things better. You know, in your gut, if WS is really ready and making the commitment. All you can do is continue to Plan A, and work on things as best you can. In time, that attitude will change, hopefully. I wish you guys the best, but I think the roller coaster has just begun for a few of ya!! I will help as much as I can with some fogese history from the WS perspectives!<P>GM...the sign that a thread has touched some people is the ongoing pages!! It is alive because it matters to so many!! <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.*<P>Trueheart

Mands, I am not entirely sure why she made her decision for no contact. She just had sex with him a few hours before that, and was driving home, and she said she started crying. Maybe it was regret? I have been Plan A-ing really hard. I am more of a Blockbuster kind of guy than going to the theatre, but we've been going to the ole Cinemax several times a week, and she is loving it. Maybe she is seeing my commitment. Maybe she realizes she doesn't want to lose the marriage and is making a sacrifice (mixed feelings about that - being second best? )<P>So Friday night was pretty good. She was sad and depressed, and expressed herself to me very well. I held her, and told her that things would get better. Saturday my parents came and she was still melancholy, but we had a good time. Sunday, she decided she didn't feel like going with us to church. I couldn't force her, so I went without her, with my parents. When I got back, she was in the greatest mood. Yesterday, we went to the beach, and had a great time, and she was again in great spirits. (We were real naughty in the water, LOL. I loved it) We got home, rested, went to Olive Garden with my parents for my dad's birthday.<P>Got home, watched a movie, and she kept on going upstairs and chatting. I got suspicious. She'd come down and watch a few minutes. I'd try and massage her neck (like she loves for me to do) or scratch her back and she'd pull away. She went into the bedroom and locked the door. I checked to see if her cell phone was on her charger, and it wasn't. I knocked, to "see if she was ok" and she said she was changing.<P>The fog returns =(<P>I checked her email this morning and she's talking to him again.<P>*Swallows hard to try to get rid of lump in throat, and resolves to stronger Plan A*