This is my first post on this site. I have gotten a lot of comfort from reading the other posts. I hope somebody who has been through what I am going through can give me some tips.<P>I have been married for seven years. My wife was a widow and had 3 boys when we married. The last three years or so we have drifted apart. We stopped doing activities together and just kind of co existed. Our love life suffered as well and making love became just occasional sex. I asked my W several times if we should seek some counseling, she always said she didn't want to tell her problems to somebody she didn't know. She also told me that because I had gained 40 lbs since we were married she was not as attracted to me. <P>During April she became even more distant and began to work longer hours at work. She was also cancelling family events because she didn't feel like going. On April 28th she asked me to install some software on the computer so she could get her e-mail at home. When I installed the software the preview window showed a message that said "5PM Park?" <P>I got very suspicious at this point. later that day she said she was going shopping and would see me later. I logged into her e-mail and found the messages that confirmed my suspicion. She had been having an on-going relationship with a co-worker. As I read through the e-mails I found that they had scheduled to meet that very afternoon. <P>As long as I live I will never forget the feeling I had when I found out. My heart started beating faster and my hands were shaking. I fought back the tears because my 12 year old stepson was home at the time.<P>When she returned home I confronted her with this and she did not deny the affair. She said the reason she had an affair was that I had stopped touching her. I was furious and told her to go stay with her mother. <P>After several days we met to discuss our future plans. She apologized for hurting me, promised not to do it again and agreed to begin counseling. We began to spend more time together and things were getting better. I tried to schedule counseling sessions several times but each time she had a schedule conflict. <P>During May I tried to forgive and forget but I was still having these suspicions. I went through her e-mail once a week or so to ensure she had not restarted the affair. I couldn't believe that I was becoming a spy. I have never been the type to snoop on other peoples private communications but I had enough doubt in my mind that it seem justified.<P>In late June I went through her e-mail again and discovered she was sending romantic notes to a different man. The man lives in another state but was traveling through our city and they were making plans to meet. At this point I lost all hope that our marriage could be saved. I told her I was going to move out and sent both of them an e-mail explaining how sleezy they were. <P>I developed a property settlement and began getting the divorce papers assembled. She initially said she was going to get a lawyer. I told her that the agreement was fair and if she got a lawyer i was going to send all of the e-mails from the 2 guys to her family friends and co-workers. I did not want to send them I only threatend because I knew it would stop her and we could get this nightmare over with. She agreed to proceed with an uncontested divorce. I told my immediate family what had happened<P>Four days later she approached me and said she had been giving this a lot of thought and she wanted to reconcile. She said she was going to get some psychiatric help and wanted me to forgive her. She even said she wanted to start going to church again which she has rejected for several years. I was hesitant of course but I listened. <P>She seems sincere this time. She has contacted a psychiatrist but has yet to see her because of scheduling. I told her that we needed to seperate for a while so we could both get clear on what we want.<P>I have been staying at a family members place while they are in Europe so we haven't seen much of each other. I think when my family member returns I will get an apartment so we can remain seperated until we are both clear and convinced we can save the marriage. I would like to reconcile but I have a lot of doubt, pain, etc. I never wanted to be the kind of man that checks upon their spouse to be sure they are where they are supposed to be. That seems more like babysitting a teenager than being married. <P>My questions for the forum are:<P>1)Can you ever rebuild the trust that has been lost?<P>2)Is it really possible to forgive and forget?<P>3)At what point do you give up and move on?<P>Any other insights would be appreciated!<BR>

I'll answer your questions and then give you a welcome letter, below it. Please click on the underlined red words to find out more about us:<P>1)Can you ever rebuild the trust that has been lost?<P>Yes, but it's WORK!! and it takes time. Ick, I know.<P>2)Is it really possible to forgive and forget?<P>Forgive? Yes <BR>Forget? NO, and you aren't suppose to... you will find out as you go along, that you NEED to remember this, so that it never happens again.<P>3)At what point do you give up and move on?<P>If you have to ask, it isn't time. You'll know... you'll hit the wall, and you won't be able to go one more step!!<P>Now, here's that letter:<P><I>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!</I><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

"After several days we met to discuss our future plans. She apologized for hurting me, promised not to do it again and agreed to begin counseling. We began to spend more<BR> time together and things were getting better. I tried to schedule counseling sessions several times but each time she had a schedule conflict. "<P>"discovered she was sending romantic notes to a<BR> different man. The man lives in another state but was traveling through our city and they were making plans to meet."<P>"She seems sincere this time. She has contacted a psychiatrist but has yet to see her because of scheduling"<P>The chances are that your wife has had more affairs than the ones you discovered. A divorce would threaten her security and that of her children. She will tell you what you want to hear in order to save her marriage. Cheaters like your wife do not play by the same rules as conventional folk. They do not believe in the morality accepted by society. They learn to lie and appear very sincere. Be very careful. I am a great believer in "what you see is what you get". Her behaviour toward you during the marriage and her affairs makes the loudest statement as to what kind of person you married. <p>[This message has been edited by max (edited July 20, 2001).]