One year ago today I was the recipient of the infamous "love you but am no longer in love with you" speech given to me by my H. I felt as though my whole world was crashing down around me and yet he appeared to be so very even-keeled and in total control of the situation. I felt as though I was losing my mind and I could barely function as a mother for those first few days after he told me. <P>Over the next few days we talked and he came to the conclusion that he didn't know what he wanted to do about our marriage. My boss referred me to MB and Dr. Harley. I began posting and getting advice from people here and I counseled alone with Dr. Harley because H. absolutely refused. Dr. Harley told me during my second session that H. was most likely involved in an affair of some sort (NO, not my H., he would never do a thing like that). I confronted him and he of course denied it all, once again being the one in control and I was left to be the bumbling idiot. I told him I thought he was depressed-YES, he claimed, that must be it, but because of his profession he would never seek help for it, NO, he was strong enough and in control enough to get through the depression all on his own. He just needed space from me, and lots of it. I complied and in the meantime researched everything about depression that I could get my hands on, not to mention reading all the Harley books and Dr. Phil's books too. I had an entire arsenal of self-help books under my side of the bed. I lived and breathed those topics for the next several months while he fence sitting. <P>The months rolled by while I desperately struggled with Plan A which was extremely difficult for me (just ask JL, KAM, and Mike C-2) and before you knew it October was upon us and H. came home one night (very late of course, which had become the norm) and calmly announced that he was no longer going to have sex with me because he did not want to give me "false hope" about our marriage. He was so sedate about the whole topic and once again, I fell apart.<P>I complied with his wishes and before you knew it X-Mas time had rapidly approached and H. was never around (always working OT you know, and driving around until all hours of the morning because that was what he considered to be his "therapy") and he didn't even have a clue what "we" purchased as gifts for his parents, our friends, and yes, even our very own children. He was as surprised as they were when the gifts were opened. I was doing all I could to try to keep our family together for what I thought would most likely be our last X-Mas together as a family. <P>I spent New Year's Eve alone with our children while (you guessed it) H. was working! It was like living a bad nightmare, no matter how hard I tried to help our marriage it just kept getting worse, so much worse in fact that H. had become verbally abusive and extremely critical toward me and when I brought it to his attention he claimed (and still claims) that HE is in no way abusive and I am exaggerating again. <P>Over the holidays I had started to feel as though maybe he really was having an affair and I started to keep even more of a watchful eye on him. I began questioning him and he knew I was getting close to the truth but he acted so nonchalant about the whole thing and I was barely hanging on by a thread. <P>FINALLY, on January 6th he confessed to having an affair! I was totally blown away! I wanted him out and he wanted to stay. He stayed and he said goodbye to the OW, or so I thought. He wouldn't go to counseling, wouldn't read any books, HE could get through it all on his own. I began counseling with Harley again and he agreed to one Harley session, and after that, he stopped trying to make things work. He committed himself and uncommitted himself to working on our marriage about three times since D-Day. Oh yeah, and he managed to stay in contact with OW the entire time after D-Day. Supposedly she has job transferred out of state and supposedly she has easily replaced H. with a new victim, all while still being married herself. <P>Anyway, it has been a year that I would never want to repeat again, it has unquestionably been the most horrific experience of my entire life! I must say that the tables have turned though, and I am now the one who has the stable thoughts, and am calm and in total control. H. is now the one who is bumbling around like a lost cause and changes his mind like the wind about everything. He is supposedly in counseling and I truly hope it does him some good and that he can once again become a whole person.<P>Time has stood still for me long enough and I have begun living again and am planning my future, one of which H. will be omitted from. He is having a hard time accepting why I want such a quick(??) divorce but is willing to give it to me. <P>Even though MB has not helped me to save my marriage it has helped me to save my sanity, and to become a much stronger person, one who can survive alone and actually thrive. Even H. has credited MB with giving me "too much self-esteem". I totally feel as though I have come full circle with my situation emotionally and very soon literally (once the divorce is final). <P>It is my hope that this post helps at least one person in some way!<p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited July 20, 2001).]

What is it that you actually want? Do you want him? Are you done? Has he given you proof that she has moved? I'm sorry, I haven't been here in over a year..<P>Maybe I can help, if he would want to talk via here... he could post to just me (or whomever) and I'd be willing to assist if that is what you want. I was a MP in the USMC so, ...so maybe I could help you two out. He might feel comfortable talking with me. Whatever you think.<P><BR>Husband2You-<P>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 20, 2001).]

WOC,<P>Sounds like you've gotten to the point of withdrawal, or perhaps even revulsion toward your H. This is normal and understandable for a BS, after a certain amount of faithlessness on the WS's part.<P>There does seem to be a certain discontinuity in your narrative, when you jump to the part about a quick divorce. I can understand why Husband2you asks what you want. I followed your story some on EN, but lost track or maybe I would understand better.<P>Lacking more information, I don't know whether or not to try to dissuade you from the "D", but I wish you well and hope you find the right path.<P>Steve

You guys are right, in my post I did skip a bit of information and it appeared I went right for a quick divorce, which is not the case.<P>Since D-Day, my H. has committed and uncommitted himself to our marriage at least three times, the last of which was in May. From D-Day (01/06/01) until now he has done nothing to even try to save our marriage, with the exception of one Harley session. He still comes and goes as he pleases, stays out until the early morning hours, refuses to give me VM passwords, check stubs (he was stashing $$ for a while during the affair and has now set up his own bank acct. instead of contributing to the family fund), refuses to wear his wedding ring, etc., you get the picture.<P>So when I finally yet again told him I was done and wanted a divorce, he said if I wanted a divorce so quick he would give me one but it is not what he wants. I have to laugh because I don't think it is quick at all, it has been an entire year.<P>I don't want to be dissauded from a divorce, I am just posting to say that after everything that has happened, I know it is the right thing for me!

WOC,<P>Sounds like it may well be for the best to go for the "D". I'm sorry about this outcome, as I know you agonized and tried for a long time. However, I am glad that you're coming through it a stronger person.<P>In hindsight it seems like going to Plan B might have helped you, but who knows? Maybe you did--I can't recall.<P>The one thing I would say is that you should probably separate now and try no-contact with him. One of the things that Plan B is supposed to do is prepare you for divorce if that happens, as well as show the WS what it would be like. With kids get legal advice re custody issues if you do separate b4 divorce.<P>As guess that what I'm saying is that you can start making the adjustments to prepare for divorce (except that I don't agree with dating until it's legally done) without having to rush into the legal finality. But even if you do want the quick "D" it would seem helpful to start the process of disengaging from each other now.<P>Of course, I never did have to go to Plan B or "Plan D", and my thoughts are based largely on what I've read from Harley and those on MB. Probably the D/D forum would be a good resource for you now, since many there have "been there, done that". I just wanted to respond since I did remember you, and had hoped for the best in your situation.<P>Anyway best wishes for a great life, whether or not it's with your H.<P>Steve

WOC<BR>I have been a voyuer on here for some time, although I have never read anything else from you and am HUGELY interested. but your post MADE me reply as you seem to be very similar to me (see user name) and d day for me was 1/3/01. anyway I just wanted you to know the whole sanity thing, I FULLY UNDERSTAND, and your post was helpful to at least one person, ME. thank you.

Thanks StillHers for your replies. H and I talked alot this weekend and even though we have talked about divorce quite a bit over the past seven months, it is still hard for him to do without getting angry about it. Now he says he really does not want a divorce, he would prefer a separation so he can decide whether or not he still wants to be married to me, that is what his counselor says he needs to do because he hasn't been able to make any decisions while living at home. I did go to Plan B for one week in May. He left the house for a week and he came back and claimed he wanted to once again try to work on things.<P>I have two problems with his separation idea, the first being that he thinks he still has a decision to make. If he would decide he wants to once again work on the marriage, my mind is still made up, I want a divorce. Based on everything he has NOT done to save our marriage, I have a very hard time seeing exactly how that will change for commitment #4. My second problem is a catch 22. I only work part time (12 hours per week-we have three young children) and in addition to child support he will have to pay me maintenance for a specified amount of time. His atty. and my atty. disagree on what he will have to pay me per month (my atty. says more, his says less) so if we separate he is only willing to pay me now what his atty. says he should. I then would have to work more to make ends meet. If I work more and we divorce, the judge will see that I've worked more during separation, so I can continue to do so (that is what my atty says, anyway). If H. paid me what my atty. says he should, in the event of divorce, the judge would say he did it in the past, so he can keep paying it. So it seems as though a separation would not work.<P>Wifeofcop2,<P>Thanks for your reply! I am so glad that this post was able to somehow help you! If you feel like sharing your problems, I would like to hear them!! You can also search my old posts, although I described most everything in this post. I don't post very often anymore, but I did from last July through January. If you'd rather email me directly, you can do that too. My email address is wifeofcop29@hotmail.com. I would love to try to help you!<p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited July 23, 2001).]

WOC,<P>I'd be very wary of WOC2.. Seems she's only posted here once before (and that was to you), and the account was set up the same day she posted... 13 min after midnight. <P>Your H OW know you come here?<BR>Your H?<P>Because of the username, the single posting, and the date.. something stinks. Standard apology applied here... of coarse.