Where do I begin.....hmmmmm....to avoid boring anyone to any great extreme, I'll make a loooooooong story short.<BR>My WH is incarcerated and has been for over two years. His crimes are nonviolent and are due to the nature of his drug addiction --- cocaine. His current "residence" is over 1000 miles away from home, which consists of me and our two teenage children as well as in-laws and out-laws (LOL!) on both sides. His present mode of confinement is due to him violating his bail stipulations on a previous charge. He was stopped and charged with a DWI here at home; therefore, he had to surrender himself to the state where the initial charges stemmed until sentencing of the same. A BIG confusing mass of legal mumbo jumbo.<P>He and I were having extreme circumstances within our 20 year marriage at the time of his initial incarceration. We had lost our business, our home and our love & respect for each other. He chose to run from responsiblity while leaving me with handling the legal aspects of our financial woes. He met a woman who LISTENED to him and his comfort zone with her became a physical affair. She is twice divorced and has a terrible reputation around town...which is a blue-collar area with lots of BAD people....get my drift? She was BAD news and I saw it coming, but he was blinded by the light. <P>I suspected his infidelity and he assured me every waking hour that they were only "friends." (I really HATE that line. Come on WS.....be original.) Wellllllll, he was restrained for his bond violation and I was relieved because if this hadn't occurred, I knew in my heart that this man would have killed himself by either wrecking his truck or suicide (which he contemplated the idea from time to time.) <P>He just recently (month 1/2) told me that he did indeed have a physical relationship with this woman since the time of his first infraction with the law. Although I suspected the same, I was devastated, nevertheless. In fact, they had been corresponding with each other up to a year before he came clean with me. That truly pissed me off. Yet, after speaking with him and exchanging letters, I find his revelations to be an education. He truly wants to come "home" to me and our children. I have no doubt in my mind that he wishes to be with me. <P>My problem is this......how in the hell do you Plan A with a spouse who is not living with you or has limited ways in which to correspond? He is somewhat aware of the Harley concepts due to the little bit of information that I provided him and is most agreeable to anything that will assist in getting our marriage back on track. <P>Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to proceed with the recovery of marriage when the partners are at opposite ends of the "universe?"<P>All responses are appreciated.......<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 21, 2001).]

The power of the word. Write letters. Can he get anything electronic? Like e-mail? If not, all (you and your children) can write, talk on the phone etc. Maintain contact. <P>This may sound bad, but isn't that how many A's start? Writing, phone calls, visits, etc. Let him know he is in your thoughts and heart. I feel you actually have it easier since you know where he is (that comment was made to me when H was in the J place). He has time to mediate your words, ponder over them. <P>JMHO.<P>L.<BR>

Thanks for your response, Orchid. Yes, you are right when you state that at least I know where he is! This very thought has allowed his mother to be able to sleep better at night. She has no fear in expressing her disappointment in his actions and appreciates the fact that he's not in a place where he can hurt himself or anyone else. The family has already had the heartache of experiencing the oldest sibling's suicide. He was my H's older brother and my H always, always, always tried to live up to his brother's achievements. His brother was the best at everything....literally. That sibling rivalry thing. He also took his brother's demise very hard. My BIL's death was the result of a severe drug-induced state. My MIL feared that her second son (my H) would also end up dead. She was relieved to know of his confinement. No pity from her...LOL. You reap what you sow. In fact...he complained to her that the food was terrible and she came back with saying "if they served crab cakes, people would be lining up to come in..." That is her take on the situation. <P>We do talk on the telephone and I write to him more often than he does to me.....he's not a very good pen pal. Phone calls are toooooo expensive to indulge in on a regular basis; therefore, we've agreed to speak only two times per week or less. All calls are collect at an astonomical rate with a $5.00 connection fee, 70 cents per minute besides a pay telephone surcharge. The prisons gouge the payee.....but that's another forum.<P>My H and I were married for over 20 years when this fiasco came to light and were steadies in high school three years before our marriage. We are soul mates. Instead of working with me on the many financial problems that came down upon us, he chose to lose himself in gambling and became acquainted with this bar fly whom he became infactuated with. Gambling, drugs, alcohol and a willing Bonnie to his Clyde-like personna led to dire straits. <P>He realizes this now...thank goodness the only good thing about his sentence is that this time away from normal society has "allowed" him the opportunity to "dry out." He now speaks with a language that I can understand and appreciate. I fear the day that he is given "free choice" again. Time will tell.<P>Again......thank you for your response.....I always enjoy your posts!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><BR><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 20, 2001).]

ditto Orchid<P>When can he come home?

GeezLouise:<P>Thanks for your continued support, on my own threads. I appreciate it!!<P>I know that when my friends brother was in prison, she would go to the bookstore and have them send things to her brother, he could recieve items as long as they came from the store and not an individual. That might be a away to send the Harley's books, there are other fun things there too, coupon books, the littlee books, posters, book marks, wallet cards, check with where your H is and see what there rules are, perhaps you can shop on line, no taxes and they pay shipping sometimes.<P>Best of luck to you both and your kids, I am sure that this has been very hard on them too. Take Care, Dawn

Orchid, Dave and Daybreak --- thanks for the responses. My hubby could be home in September of this year or could face another 12 years, depending on the Judge's frame of mind at the time of sentencing. Not only is our relationship on a merry-go-round but his fate is on a see-saw. And, of course, being the self-absorbed person that he is.....he obsesses about his confinement. <P>Prison regulations vary within states, districts and counties. He is allowed limited attachments (internet material, photos and such) with incoming mail which can only consists of cards and/or letters. He is permitted a weekly commissary in the form of a money order sent directly to the sheriff's office. Other than that......ZILCH. No magazines, books, bookmarkers, stickers, stamps, etc. Just regular correspondence and collect phone calls. And this isn't considered HARD time.<P>He's still somewhat in a fog because he doesn't want to disclose a lot of information about his A. He has answered a few of my immediate questions but claims that he does not wish to hurt me any more than he already has. Nice of him, eh? Therefore, I get tiny threads of information in small doses. <P>BTW.....the OW was totally involved in the criminal aspect of his life. She got probation and roams freely. She still lives in my area and I hear this and that about her every so often. It makes my skin crawl knowing that there is a possibility that I'll run into her about town. Hopefully, she has attached herself to another like the blood-sucking leech that she is known to be. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hi GL,<P>Sounds like you are still hanging in there with a great attitude about the whole thing. <P>I agree with Orchid, letters, letters, letters. I understand the phone call thing, that would get so expensive. I know it would be hard to write to someone who does not respond as often back, but you could provide plenty of good contact, plan A material (showing your love with no LBs) via your letters.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Raskal:<BR><B>Hi GL,<P>Sounds like you are still hanging in there with a great attitude about the whole thing. <P>I agree with Orchid, letters, letters, letters. I understand the phone call thing, that would get so expensive. I know it would be hard to write to someone who does not respond as often back, but you could provide plenty of good contact, plan A material (showing your love with no LBs) via your letters. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, Raskal -- It's nice to "see" your smiling face. Yep, I'm hanging in there. It's difficult but worth every effort that I can muster in order to keep the family unit intact. We're worth it <P>I must share something that my daughter posted on a support board for children having a loved one incarcerated. She mentioned that she loves receiving letters from her father because she feels a real closeness to him as she rubs her hands across the pages and feels the pen indentations that he had painsakingly forged with each stroke of the only instrument that allowed him to show his love and concern for her. Or something like that.....LOL! <P>To this day, we all handwrite our letters to him so that he can experience the same wonder.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hi GL,<P>Wow, my BIL (H's older brother) also commited suicide about 14 years ago. He was the one right abouve my H (out of 12 chidlren). This brother was a gifted young man but was diagnosed as schizophrenic. This is what led to his death. <P>This illness and incident put a major impact on the children in his family. They are plagued by bi-polar disorders and suicidal tendancies. They like to use that excuse as a way of not dealing with issues (h included). On the other hand my girlfriends H and her brother are both in prison and actually do better there than among society. They are nice and intelligent men but are bad in the social skills dept and often end up with wrong association. <P>In both cases, my H and my girlfriend's H & brother, all are followers not leaders. That is the one common thread. Now if that means anything, I think that is where we might be able to help them. If we can instill confidence that they 'can' do what is right, build up their self esteem, they have a fighting chance. My H says he went out there because in his mind he convinced himself that I did not love him. Of course all the A's convinced him of that also, especially this psyco babble OW. <P>I do have a sugestion, how about phone cards? Will that help lower the price? If your H can not have book, can he get them from the library? You can also e-mail him stuff from here? I periodically sent my H thread/posts from here and while he did not agree with everything, he did read them. He was able to see others making progress and even more in the same situation and thought pattern of himself and that I wasn't way out there either since many expressed themselves in a similar manner. <P>L.

Orchid, Wow is right! There are so many similarities here...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wow, my BIL (H's older brother) also commited suicide about 14 years ago.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can relate to this.....my BIL died 17 years ago. He was a very high achiever. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>On the other hand my girlfriends H and her brother are both in prison and actually do better there than among society. They are nice and intelligent men but are bad in the social skills dept and often end up with wrong association.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dang...this sounds a lot like my H except for the social skills department. He is very good at making friends but is a very poor judge of character. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If we can instill confidence that they 'can' do what is right, build up their self esteem, they have a fighting chance. My H says he went out there because in his mind he convinced himself that I did not love him. Of course all the A's convinced him of that also, especially this psyco babble OW.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Ditto with my hubby! Although we have yet to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, I have no doubt in my mind that he would have ADMIRATION as his number one need. He has always tried to maintain or outdo the accomplishments (or lack thereof) of his deceased older brother. His brother was the star of the family...at least in my H's opinion. <P><BR>Phone cards are not allowed. He is not in a state regulated prison. He is still within a county run program where there are NO amenities. They do have a "library" of sorts but is not equipped with decent books. He has a Bible and does get to read the newspaper. Mostly, he depends upon letters from home. <P>Thanks for the advise about copying portions of threads. Is this permissable/allowable? I'm reaching here....LOL!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited July 21, 2001).]

No copy write laws being bantered around here!!! I have sent lots of threads. I even send my own out there to a few (actually many) people. The 5 stages of grieving thread on the d/d site is something I send out several times a week!!! No joking. <P>I am sure it is ok. Haven't heard not to yet. Hope this helps. <P>You take care,<P>L.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GeezLouise:<BR><B> Hey, Raskal -- It's nice to "see" your smiling face. Yep, I'm hanging in there. It's difficult but worth every effort that I can muster in order to keep the family unit intact. We're worth it <P>I must share something that my daughter posted on a support board for children having a loved one incarcerated. She mentioned that she loves receiving letters from her father because she feels a real closeness to him as she rubs her hands across the pages and feels the pen indentations that he had painsakingly forged with each stroke of the only instrument that allowed him to show his love and concern for her. Or something like that.....LOL! <P>To this day, we all handwrite our letters to him so that he can experience the same wonder.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nice to "see" your smiling face, too! <P>Yes, your family is well worth it. Thank you for sharing about your daughter loving her father's handwritten letters. I have never thought of it that way, but in this electronic age, it makes it all the more special, eh? That is really sweet! How old is she, if I may ask? I have an 11 year old daughter. <P>That is wonderful that you all handwrite your letters for your husband/father. I hope he realizes how special all of you are! <P>As for your question about printing off threads, posts and such, I believe it is fine....especially if it indicates where it is from, etc. I'll have to go look at the rules for the forum to see if it makes mention of it. <P>

Well, this is all I could find...so it appears as long as you are using it for personal use, it is okay.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please note: All Marriage Builders resources are available for PERSONAL USE ONLY and are fully copyrighted material. If you need to use these materials for other than personal use, you must have written permission. For more information contact our office at (651) 769-0978 or email us at Admin@marriagebuilders.com.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hope this helps! <P><p>[This message has been edited by Raskal (edited July 21, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Raskal:<BR><B> Nice to "see" your smiling face, too! <P>Yes, your family is well worth it. Thank you for sharing about your daughter loving her father's handwritten letters. I have never thought of it that way, but in this electronic age, it makes it all the more special, eh? That is really sweet! How old is she, if I may ask? I have an 11 year old daughter. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah.....she's a good kid! She'll be seventeen in a few months and her brother will be fourteen shortly after her B'day. I've been blessed with having great kids and I'm not bragging.......LOL!!!! <P>Thanks a bunch for locating the MB rules concerning threads. Heck, I never read the fine print when I sign stuff.....gotta have a New York lawyer to read everything you sign nowadays <BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

G Louise - you are one tough bird. Get that H of yours on the straight and narrow. I hope he can see the value of your cool head.<P>Dave

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>G Louise - you are one tough bird. Get that H of yours on the straight and narrow. I hope he can see the value of your cool head.<P>Dave</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Aaaahhh, Dave......thanks for the compliment. Yes, I've grown tougher in my older years and I have to thank my H for his assistance in forming my rigid exterior and sometimes (when it counts) interior. I've worn the "pants in the family" for too long because I sometimes find myself reaching down to readjust my &^%$#.....LOL! His homecoming is an event that all of us eagerly anticipate. <P>And, yes, I'll have to help reinforce his straight behavior. Dang that man's a lot of work...... <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

GL,<P>You said that H did get to read the newspaper, do you know which ones? If not find out and place something in the classifieds, personals. Make it something personal and fun, flirting just a little bit, you know what I mean? Could be fun for both of you.<P>Your kids sound great! And you are their mother and have the right to Brag! So go for it! There is a way to brag and then there is boastfulness. They need to know that you are proud of them and the way they are handling all of this.<P>I too have some awesome kids, that amaze me everyday with the way they handle things, I hope they can handle the speration with as much grace when it actually comes next month.<P>Go Brag mom they are worth it and need to know that you do it because you are proud of them!!<P>Dawn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by daybreak:<BR><B>GL,<P>You said that H did get to read the newspaper, do you know which ones? If not find out and place something in the classifieds, personals. Make it something personal and fun, flirting just a little bit, you know what I mean? Could be fun for both of you.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>DB....this is an <B>AWESOME</B>idea I'll definitely be checking this out. Thanks soooo much!<P>Know that I'll be praying for you and your family. As a mother I know the pain that you must feel for the hurt that your babies may suffer. Thank goodness that you all have each other for comfort during this stressful situation. Hang in there and hope for the best. <BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

The personals ad in the paper is a great idea. What fun! I see now that long distance Plan A is really about letters and faxes/phone calls(if you can do it), so your ability to produce results is pretty limited. But what a great way to inject romance into you situation. I love it.