The boys are in bed and finally asleep. We have snippets of conversation while watching a movie...one of us may be on the Internet and sharing what we find...<P>I see him put his hat on...signaling his leaving...it hurts to hold back the tears until his truck pulls away...sometimes I don't make it. I hug him...and lift my face for a kiss...I call him back and hug him extra hard....<P>I'm not sure how long I will be able to take this leaving every night...well, not every night---which in itself makes it harder.<P>I ask myself how long can I do this? Am I in a state of delusion, a kind of BS FOG? The LB's are less and less now (I think...I've put off asking about that questionnaire). <P>I wonder what our trip will be like? What will happen when school starts again? Will he come home? Is he feeling any differently about me....I KNOW I CAN'T ASK...I KNOW I NEED TO LEAVE IT ALONE. As I posted to someone...it's hard...it's hard...it's hard....<P>Remember, Orchid? I want to be swept off my feet! <P>Silly me...watched a movie, "The Wood," about three male friends...one is getting married and the other two have to 'rescue' him and bring him back for the wedding....they had been friends since 1986...just the year I moved out here to teach and met H...can you believe the first day on the job??? Music brings back memories...clothing styles...hair styles...We've been 'together' since Sept. 1986.<P>STUPID...STUPID...STUPID...Watching Movies Rule #1...don't watch movies about affairs...Rule #2...don't watch movies about weddings.<P>So here it is nighttime and I have to fall asleep in a too quiet house...All I want to do is to call and BEG him to come home...I won't....I won't....<P>So, I'll pray...for something to happen or somebody that says something...for a dream that helps my H see through his confusion and fog. And I'll pray that he really did love me and we'll find our way back...<P>Sorry for the pity party...<BR>Cali

Cali.<P>Life just is! But I know you have beautiful boy's I'm sure, how lucky you are that you have them and they in turn have you.<BR>My house is quite too and my boy's are fast a sleep.<BR>As a man I can tell you that we often are confused, sometimes we need time, give that to him, from your posts you must be one beautiful woman, “Special” he would be a fool not to come to his senses, It would be his loss.<BR>So please let me have the honors “Sweet dreams Cali, Sataurday will be your day”<P> Ample make this Bed <BR>Make this Bed with Awe<BR>In it wait till Judgment break<BR>Excellent and Fair<P>Be its Mattress straight <BR>Be its pillow round<BR>Let no Sunrise’ yellow noise<BR>Interrupt this ground- <BR>

cali,<BR>I feel for you going through this. I just don't understand how he can leave you and go to her every night.<P>Is this a LB question? How much longer are you going to let him do this?

Cali,<P><BR>{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<P>I don't even know what to say to you except that I am sitting up with you. Wishing I could do more. I know how long the nights can be. Try and get some rest. Take care of yourself.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Cali,<P>You're right we do seem to be in the same place emotionally.<P>I know that tommarrow will be a better day and that with my trust in God things will eventually work out. It's just so hard and I too wish for a sign. I'll keep you in my prayers and I know you'll have a great day tommarrow as well.<P>Thanks for your post and reply, I'll sleep alittle easier now.<P>Keep hope alive,<BR>Silwl<BR>

Cali - hopefully you're asleep now. I'm hoping your next evening will be more like the ones WILL be a few years from now.<P>WAT

Hi Cali. OMG, just now I was getting ready to write about the anxiety attacks I've been getting throughout last night and this morning. I see you are there as well with me. I wish I could have dragged myself out of bed and posted to you last night, instead of lying awake crying.<P>Yes, I know. He's here, he's not here and we're just supposed to pick up the pieces and continue on. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. This is not what I want, and I KNOW it's not what you want.<P>Ugh. I am feeling a bit better now. There's so much to do today, but I just don't feel like doing any of it. How do you feel this morning? (well, it's only 5am where you are, hopefully you are still sleeping right now).<P>I just got a chuckle. I was remembering my dream from last night and it was actually about an ugly witch with long hair that was trying to get my H. She ended up lowering her hair from a window, I pulled it and she landed on the ground and disintegrated. All the little munchkins sang "ding, dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead..." I just thought you may get a laugh out of that. Especially since the OW in my case IS a witch... Ha. <P>Good luck today, hope it is wonderful.<BR>Kim

Cali:<P>It's the negative that gets us down, I know this one well. It's the positve that keeps us going, so focus on those.<P>I know the lonely nights, which are all of mine. <P>So for the positive.....<BR>.....the boys<BR>"snippets of conversation"<BR>"sharing what we find"<BR>"well not every night"<BR>your trip<BR>"a kiss"<BR>"a hug"<BR>"the memories"<P><B>And I'll pray that he really did love me and we'll find our way back...</B><P>I think he really did love you....or he wouldn't be spending time with you now. On some level it's still there, he just needs to find his way back. You have all those memories, that he doesn't have with anyone else.<P>I seem to compare. I haven't seen my H since August, except in court. When H came over after he left, he wouldn't kiss me. He would turn his head, or I'd get a peck on the check or forehead. This only hurt more.<P>I know exactly what you mean about the "movies". Don't watch them if it makes you sad. I have to switch the channels if loves scenes come on.<P>Just continue to be your beautiful self. Don't cling, it will push him away. My doctor told me the more confident and independent I am...the more H would drawn towards me. <BR>Might have worked, if he was around to see it.<P>I guess we are all entitled to a pity party sometimes. I've sure had my share. When in the mist of a pity party, stop and do a little something special for yourself, to make YOU feel better.<P>It is soooooooo hard, but you can find the strenght inside and through God. Keep praying.<P>I'm saying prayers for you....hang in there.<BR>Take care<P>{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS))))))))))))<BR>

Thanks!!!<P>I posted then fell asleep---with my laptop---I woke up about an hour later and hit refresh...reading your replies helped so much.<P>I'm sure journaling would help...and I have one started, but it doesn't 'talk' back to you . <P>adamsol---thank you! My H is really a great dad, but he is not understanding HOW this is affecting them...your boys are blessed...<P>aftershock---thanks ...trying not to [censored] u me, I think he really is going to his room...he may have contact through calling, but I don't think so...I won't know for sure until the cell bill comes in. In this vein, I try really hard to be happy and hope that he is doing some constructive thinking and is learning who he is...<P>Z--thanks, after I woke up and read all the replies...I slept the rest of the night through...it is nice not to feel so alone.<P>silwl--I'm glad we could help each other through...sometimes knowing someone else out there feels the same way helps...it helped me just to reply to you.<P>Thanks WAT.<P>Yes hbh--it sucks rocks! I'm trying to get a handle on it...be glad he's taking time to figure things out...know that it will be better WHEN he returns because he will have CHOSEN to...all that...<P>hurtwife--thanks for pointing out the positive...sometimes it is so hard to see and appreciate what is in front of your nose---and isn't that what got me here in the first place...<P>You all are terrific. I hope you have a great weekend. We are going to a birthday party today...a couple friend's daughter...our kids have been raised 'together' since birth...then tomorrow is church day---and, of course, it wouldn't be Sunday if we didn't go house hunting....<P>I actually dreamed about it last night...house hunting and moving into a different house...<P>Have a great weekend...I'll be in and out.<P>Cali

Cali,<P>There is alot for you to look forward to. The new school year, and your new students. They are so lucky to have a teacher such as yourself to teach them computer skills. I know you have alot to be thankful for even tho you have been dealt this blow. You said house hunting? Are you and H going to get a new house? I am not up to speed on this.<P>My big day today is to go to W-m to get some organizing supplies. I took an organizing class the other night and now I have to put into effect getting rid of papers, and stuff. We have too many books (BOOKS). Hardbacks - sell for . . . , yes, out all that $. I need to organize alot of paperwork, and get rid of it too. I hate being a packrat. I am seeing the university counselor again on Tuesday. I really need to finalize my degree. I guess we can have so many regrets in life. I also need to take some computer classes. I have so much to do, I need to do. I quilt and cross stitch, but I haven't done any in a very long time. Just helping my kids get through school. With everything on my plate I don't know how I would add any more.<P>I posted to you last night, but snapped the computer off after that and went to bed. We are both on the west coast. I was concerned for you. It is another Sat, we have to go on about our day, even tho it is not the way we wish we felt - we wish we could feel loved the way we need to be loved. BTW, I have an e-mail you can mail me at it is slinkyk18@yahoo.com. I would love to say something else - but incase the OW is still monitoring this (I know the cra* you just got through). I would not wish another backlash on you. Have a nice day. hugs, aftershock

My dear Cali,<P>Oh, those lonely nights. I cry myself to sleep......<P>Well, my vocals aren't that good, you all should be glad you 'can't hear me sing'. I am just an 'ol crooner...... LOL!<P>I can hear and feel your pain and sadness. This is another day and you did make it through the night. Being the survivor you are, you will continue to make it. You have so much with you. Your children, friends, family, work, class, excelling what you are good at - teaching and so much more. In time, I hope your H will see the precious pearl/gem that he has in his home and not in a room somewhere else. <P>In the meantime, soak up all the compliments and good stuff that come your way. That is not a selfish act. That is a deserved thing!!! Take it, savor it for you deserve it!!!<P>Have fun this weekend. I send you something fun later.....<BR> Just for the 'girls'. Hey you guys, don't get jealous, I got funnies for all, just need to figure out how to put it here!! <P>L.<BR>

Cali...<P>My dear friend...<BR>Take solace in the nite<BR>On the wings of angels you can soar<BR>Take solace in the silence of your dreams<BR>For they are alive and well there<BR>You are never alone in the night<BR>For your friends are here<BR>We are the wind, the stars, the moon<BR>We watch over you, hear your cries<BR>We see the tears that streak your face<BR>And we gently close your eyes<BR>Enveloping you in the slumber that brings<BR>Each new day, each new hope, each new dream<BR>Fear not the night for it brings the hope of light<BR>It brings forth the hope of love...<P>(Ok...a little corny, but you arent alone..we are all here with ya!!)<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart