Although I have read lots of Dr. Harley's writings and much of the info on this site, I am still having a hard time understanding just how much Plan A influence I can have on my WS at 600+ miles apart. As this is my first post, I'll give my situation, then await any suggestions. <BR> Although my W of almost 5 yrs and I had problems in our M, I NEVER doubted the strength of the core of our relationship. But about 4 months ago, we took what I thought was a great vacation together. I came home early to go back to work, but she stayed with her family for another 9 days to work on her business with some people back home. She returned and gave the "love, but not in love" thing, and that she was going to spend the next day at a B&B to organize all the work she had done while she was away. I was completely devestated and in a state of panic and confusion. I immediately tried to get her to help me help her, but over the next month she took 2 week long business trips 600+ miles away to where her former female business partner lived, so she wasn't really into the talking mood. Just before the only marriage couselling session we ever had(at my insistance due to the fact we'd never talked about anything this grave before), she told me she'd file for D the previous week(turns out it was 2.5 wks earlier). I pleaded for time to understand, but she didn't budge. Later she turned around and said she was going to move away(and take out little boy) to "sort things out". She lied and tricked me into going to court without a lawyer so she could take my son with here. She explained it was just what she had to do. Three long lonely wks later, I drove to her house to pick up my son for his and my time together. W left me alone for 2.5 hours to "get some cold medicine" from store. I got bored and played on "her" computer only to discover love emails and pictures of BF and my son with titles like "My Two Favorite Guys". Up to this point, the thought of her having an affair had never crossed my mind, so I had the predictable come apart for the next two weeks(great vacation!). Although it was easy for her to tell I knew something, I never addressed it to her as all I could do is despair that D was my only option. She lied to me constantly and repeatedly wanted me to move to her using my son as bait. Six weeks, 18 pounds gone, and millions of Benedryl and Tums later, I could not keep this evil inside any longer. I was dying a bit more each day. Only the info on this site turned me around from sure D to understanding how we ended up where we were and how entirely possible it was to save our M. Last Thur, W called crying saying she really missed me. When W was here this last Sat, I laid all the cards on the table. She reacted like I'd prayed she would and seemed remorseful. She and OM were still together, but all was not well with her(thank God for the eventual conscience!). Turns out OM had asked her to marry him 9 years ago, but had gotten frightened and disappeared without a word since then. I was very threatened by this info, even more so when I made a surprise visit to her hotel bearing flowers and a card and found OM in the lobby!!! She had brought him with her for the week. I had built OM up as some mighty figure from her past come to destroy our future, but when he ran from me, hid in the bathroom for 10 min, didn't defend the woman he "loved", and finally even denied his own name when I confronted him, I couldn't believe this was the kind of trash I'd been afraid of for so long. W, VERY surprised, bumped into me as I watched OM slink down hall. She said they'd just broken up, but he'd said, "I have to let you go now if I'm ever to have you in the future." *barf* Since then we've spoken very long and honestly about important and painful stuff and seem to be in a much better place than even a week ago. I am cautiously optimistic. Only prob is he's still there and I'm here. He is now an integral part of her business in a very critical time for her. She is still telling herself she can play employer, not lover to him. She LOVES where she lives and her new lifestyle, has new friends, her old business partner, etc. She hates here, and I'm not any more confident that a guarded hope that she'd do what it takes to reconcile(moving back, dropping OM contact, etc). Even after so much awful stuff, I still love her deeply and want to help make her marriage everything she ever dreamed it could be. I understand and have admitted to W various things I did or didn't do to bring our marriage to the point of the affair. I'm doing my best to address those things, but I find it very difficult since distance makes meeting most of the top 10 needs impossible and since I'm not getting much feedback in my efforts. I now feel I can freely write, call, email, etc. and will do so at every opportunity. Any advice on how to meet enough other of her needs to tip the scales in my favor? *whew!*

Fragged, I'm in a different boat but in the same waters as you insofar as Plan A'ing from long distance. Please read my post to get a bit of background info. about my situation. Although different, the distance is there.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010865.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010865.html</A> <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

GeezLouise, I read your post last night and saw the similarities, too. Thanks.<BR> Although I was terribly long winded(first time ever actually typing it in) I left out a few things.<BR>1)my wife has been very free with info since we talked last Sat. She even volunteered info on their entire past, that they had been intimate lately, and were still together.<BR>2)She thought that by the end of this week I would have D'd her. She was stunned I still wanted her.<BR>3)We talked about an awful lot of yucky stuff this week, but I think I can move into other less personal things now. She said she would not feel threatened by my often reminding her how devoted I am to her and to changing myself.<BR>4)What in the world do you talk about when the only thing I want is to find out more about her EN, my LB, and things I can do to sweeten the pot for her possible move back here, but she still wants her space???!<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fragged:<BR><B>What in the world do you talk about when the only thing I want is to find out more about her EN, my LB, and things I can do to sweeten the pot for her possible move back here, but she still wants her space???!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear you! I, too, wish to know more but have a hard time discussing the issues with my H. He claims that he doesn't want to hurt me with any more information than what I already know. I feel as though he's holding back on me because he doesn't want to lay EVERYTHING out onto the table. It is my understanding that the BS's need to know is justifiable and should be met by the WS if the healing process is to be done in good faith. <P>I want to know what on Earth is the BIG secret that he's holding inside? Spills the beans, buddy, and let's move on with this ordeal. I honestly think that he feels that because the A is over that he has already moved on whereas I'm stuck in 1st gear When he told me that he couldn't tell me a lot of things, the first thing that came to mind was that he found out that he has homosexual tendencies....and I asked him in a letter is this was one of his secrets. He blew a cork and couldn't believe that I had asked him that? Hells bells, that is about the only thing that I could think of that would be very taboo to speak about. He is NOT gay and is rather homophobic. That sure gave him a jump start, though.....LOL! I'll pry the information from him.....little by little if necessary.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

I figured that I've already fulfilled my life's allotment of shock and dismay, but there was still one more question that could fry me. I even asked her(with a tin of Godiva chocolates waiting in the wings) if she has been, is now, or might possibly be pregnant. She was very confident when she said "No". *sigh* Since her fog lifts a little more often in the last few weeks, I don't think much has happened that way with them lately. But, I don't know what I would have done if she'd answered otherwise.