Didn't sleep great...you know why. Woke up late, boys were already up, tearing up the house...<P>H was supposed to be here by 10 so I could go get gift for birthday party.<P>Took shower...always dangerous thing to do with 3 boys...they continued to wreak havoc.<P>Was barely ready by 10...no H. H calls at 10:23 and says he's on his way...do I want him to stop at ToysRUs to get gift. call him.<P>I call 4 times. No answer. 2nd message was cranky...if you are going to change plans, the least you could do is call me...I expected you at 10...it is now 10:45...I also need to get pull-ups for 2 yr old. (The party was starting at 11:30). <P>During this time MIL calls for her every other day 'pulse' check...to admonish me on not keeping my house clean and to tell me how to deal w/ her son...based on how she deals with his father...not a good conversation. I am usually patient with her and do a lot of uh-huhs and ignore 75% of her advice...today I am argumentative and cynical.<P>By the time H arrives, I am really cranky...boys are losing it...H is mad about my 2nd message...<P>I keep trying to remember how badly 'I went off.' I recall somewhat of a raised voice--but no where near what I am capable of...I don't recall any cursing. I just said I am sick to death of this. I am here 100% of the time and you get to 'relieve' me. I am tired. Boys are losing it and you blame me...it is my fault...I can't handle them and I don't give middle son enough attention. <P>Somewhere he starts talking about how I just want it my way...I say I just want to be married and have it be our way...he said that means 'your' way...<P>I said the least you can do is explain to the boys what is going on so they quit taking it out on me....he tried, but leaves it alone when oldest son says you are leaving us and might get a divorce. When H asked what that meant, OS said we won't have a dad anymore. H asked why do you think that (looks at me...implying that I put idea in their head ...). OS says "I just think it." there it ends. I leave to my room.<P>I want to talk to him about this kind of converstion...how to change it to make it more productive...he later said why do I get to blow up and then ask for his opinion after....so I never get to let off any steam??? He can yell, rant and rave, and I just have to remain calm, cool and collected? This yelling thing is a running argument btw--he has a loud voice...but I yell. It's okay for him to be loud...'it's natural,' but I am raising my voice; therefore, it is not okay....<P>Okay...vent...vent...vent....vent...I will feel better. I will.<P>Cali<P>

Here's what's sticking out to me from your post:<P>The shower thing. Oh boy do I understand! My advice, learn to take them at night before you go to bed, and AFTER the kids are down for the night. That's what I try to do. It's the only way to ENJOY it! LOL<P>Your H saying that 'our' way is YOUR way. He thinks you're controlling. There's a book out called "The surrendered wife" by Laura Doyle. Buy it (it's about $20 canadian), read it, and use whatever you can from it in your plan A. How are those for controlling statements on my part? LOL. Seriously though, just that one seemingly small comment is giving you a HUGE clue. <P>It took me a few months after separating from my H to see what he was talking about when he'd say things like that. Do you hear a lot of, "why should I bother? you're always right anyways?", from your H? If so, then he sees you as controlling. <P>The first chapter of the book can be seen on <A HREF="http://www.thesurrenderedwife.com" TARGET=_blank>www.thesurrenderedwife.com</A> (I think.. you may have to take off the "the"). Check it out, and see if you can use the info to your advantage.<P>You'll have a better day tomorrow. How do I know? I just do. I'm sending good vibes your way. <P>Karen<BR>

Thanks Topie...I will check out that book...you know my penchant for reading .<P>I went to Wal-Mart and spent 2 hours there poking around...met some former co-workers and talked awhile. Bought household stuff mostly...<P>Then I went over to.....books! I was in the romance novels...when I picked up a book called <I>The Four Agreements </I> by don Miguel Ruiz.<P>All I can say is WOW! If you want a book to help you change you...and you are already on that path...this one will help you get further down the road. As I digest more of it, I will post about it...I am alreading including some of it into my posts to others.<P>Prayers and not as cranky,<P>Cali

Cali,<BR>That is a huge LB that I do - I can't stand for others to be late (my parents instilled in me to be early), so when I have to wait - I am like you I get cranky - so when H is late I use to get real cranky. Now a days I don't act a bit upset, and he is apologetic, "I thought you'd be mad" - I just don't get mad about it - it really helps.<P>I know it was hard on you waiting. hugs, aftershock

Hi Cali. I do the shower thing every day - not fun. You come out and the house is trashed from one side to the other...<P>I understand your frustration, it sounds like you did a pretty good job controlling yourself (as compared to a few months ago).<P>Topie and aftershock, thanks for this information. You have not only helped Cali, but myself. My H SAYS one of the things that bugs him is that I am manipulative and controlling. BUT, he doesn't use any of those kinds of statements to back it up... Also, I am habitually late which always bugs my H, never thought of it until aftershock just mentioned, this may be an LB to him. Thank you!<P>Cali, hang in there, I hope the day gets better for you. <BR>Kim