Okay,<P>Im in D and I need to know what to do.. Everything has been okay so far.. I got here at 2am and she came to the hotel room to see me and the boys at 10:00.. she stayed until 3:00pm and wanted the boys to go to her house for her nieces bdparty.. I let the boys go... hardest thing I have done yet. I went house hunting and found an apartment already... expensive here.. but I can be in it within 2 weeks. She wants them to stay the night. I really don't want them to because the OM is there.. HOW do I get around this without LB. It's going to cause a fight. I let the boys only go to the party because there were alot of adults there as well as other childern.. Tonight that won't be there. <P><BR>What should I do??<P>Hurry please I'm at a kinkos waiting on your advice.<P>H2Y

um... anyone there.. ??? Cali??

If you truly do not want the boys to stay the night at the house with the OM, let your W know that it has been a very tiring trip to D and that you feel that it would be best for the boys to stay with you at the hotel since you are their comfort zone. Afterall, you didn't get into town until the wee hours of the morning. The boys have been with her for the greater part of the day and evening and you feel that they need quiet time.....with you.<P>How'd you think that would go over?<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

I really don't know... you know that as a mother she is going to say that she is their comfort zone.. <P>another choice of words??

Hmmmmmm....you might be right about using "comfort zone." Tell her that you'd rather that the boys didn't stay the night at this time due to numerous reasons but you wouldn't mind if she'd like to spend more time with them tomorrow after they've had a decent nights rest. Like Scarlett O'Hara stated, ".....tomorrow is another day..."<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

this is sooo hard.

H2Y.....hell....just be honest with her and tell her that you do not feel comfortable with the boys staying at her house overnight because the OM lives there and you don't wish for them to be exposed to too much, too soon. <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

I've come to the conclusion that you cannot filter what needs to be said and determine what an LB is....<P>Let me explain...you do not want to boys to stay with OM...very understandable...but will those words be and LB or their delivery?<P>You start out calm and you stay calm. It takes two to argue. Don't raise your voice. It may still be seen as unreasonable and even an LB...but you cannot prevent all LB's...<P>Remember what LB's 'really' are...critical judgements, selfish demands, angry outbursts....<P>Now look at selfish demands? Are you being selfish or are you looking out for their well-being? Are you being demanding or are you reporting?<P>Keep your delivery cool...think about what you're going to say...as GL says...make it in terms of the boys needs and not yours....or hers....<P>Hope this helps,<BR>Cali

I vote for the honest answer. She HAS to know if the situation were reversed, she'd feel the same way. I would let her know if it were just HER there, there would be no hesitiation but you just don't feel comfortable with the situation as it is with him there.

okay.. thank you thank you..<P>What I got her for our Anniv..<P>... from my other quick asked thread...<P>a very nice pen for her new job.. <BR>a lady zippo lighter for our nasty habit<BR>Hair crunchies and clips<BR>I brought her minature desktop VW bus for her desk at work<BR>and two candles for her desk at work also.. and some corkboard for her cubical<P>.. is that alright??

WOW......you certainly know how to treat a lady! And the gifts are very practical and the ability to use these items at work allows her to enjoy them in the privacy of her cubicle without fear of having her nice things demolished by the OM. Good job <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

ya.. and maybe she'll think about me when she writes a letter.. smells the candle, lights a cig.. dreams of buying a 'love' bus, and pins that memo to her corkboard...as she's putting her hair back up. Everyone told me to be careful what I got her... cause of the OM.. and not to be too forward.. I think I did pretty good for once.<P>

Well thanks to everyone.. I've got to get off of here.. these kinko's charges are outrageous.. 20 cents a min.<P>Thank you for taking the time to answer all my posts and being here for me. I'll check back in ... when time and money over the next few days prevail.. otherwise.. see ya Monday night.<P>Husband2You

Good choices. Choices that show her that you know HER and what she likes. Personal things, not some run of the mill gift that would and could be applicable to any female and shows no thought. Good job.

I agree. You've always got to be honest. The tone of the conversation will determine if it is a LB or not. I promised(not threatened) that if my W kept bringing OM around our 2.5 yr old son, I would file a restaining order against them both. It is her choice. But I did not 'just go along' with something that is directly against what is in the best interest of my son.

H2u<P>hmmmm how come you always post such tough questions to us? Why?!!!<P>I think it is better to not let the kids go over there when there is no protection for them. How do you say that without it being a LB? Sure, tone is going to be a BIG part of how it is conveyed.<P>Does she want the kids for one-on-one quality time - without you, without the complications of the situation right now? Can you tell her that you will be happy to take off for a while and she can spend time with them at the hotel room without OM around? <P>Can you simply tell her that you do not want her to be angry, and you do not want to hurt her or anyone, but that you simply feel that the kids would be better off not having contact without the security of other people there to provide a safe haven for the kids?<P>OM may try to help her see this as you "using" the kids for contact - and suddenly the kids visitation with her is an issue to divide you two even further. <P>I say find a way to eliminate excuses to that allegation, and provide a way for wife to be with kids on her terms - without OM's presence. That way it is the OM that is the issue, not you.<P>TnT

I'm home... posting my update from this to my main thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010792.html</A> <P>Just to keep the chronology straight :P<BR>