Trueheart,<BR> I was reading a thread in which you posted the following statement:<BR> <B>(I know that I was totally blown away at W strength and it became a very attractive point to me...a side I had not seen in a very long time</B><P>I feel like this is precisely the reason my H DID leave! He felt I was so strong that I didn't NEED him around. In fact, in our ONLY conversation since he left, he told me this. "I knew you'd be all right, and could handle everything without me." <P>While that is true, I CAN "handle" everything, I choose NOT TO. I am married, I made a vow to BE married, and I want to be married to him! No, I haven't had a chance to tell him any of that, other than to say. "It's not true. I DO need you, I DO love you...." at which point he replied "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be this hurt. I didn't think you'd care if I left." And then, nothing else since then.<BR>Is this just "fog" talk? Or could he really STILL be thinking this? It's only been 2 1/2 months (short time, I know), but I have very strong "dreams" and intuitions about what is going on in his life and mind these days, and it ain't good, but I'm not sure he would EVER try again with me, bec in his mind, I'm independent enough, I'll pull through this, I'll heal, I'LL BE FINE!! I don't want him to think that! I want him to know I cry at the drop of a hat, at the thought of him, a song, or whatever reminds me of him, at night in our bed alone....well, you know the rest.<P>I know you don't have "answers" for me, but what you said struck a chord with me, and I wondered where you thought you "fit in" with your W with this independence she displayed.<P>Lupo

ll--<P>I could ditto the independance thing, I've been married 20 years H is military and cause of the type of job that we chose for him to have he travels alot, I mean alot, he's been gone 1- 2 weeks on the avg a month for the last 15 years. One year it was 220 days, then he did the remote thing for a year.<P>I am very independent, not by choice but by circumstance, I had to be, who else was going to hold it all together, I was the only one there. I wonder at times if he assumed I didn't need him, and that I would be ok if he left. I wonder If I made him feel un-wanted or un-needed? He says that he is un-happy and must pursue his first love at this time. She ran before they got married as she freaked about the AF thing and were they might have to live. <P>Anyways, are we to independent that we take a way there sense of being needed? Don't know!<P>Just thought I needed to share. Dawn

Hey lupo and daybreak...<P>The biggest fault of the WS is to see independence as all-encompassing! It is felt that if you can handle the finances and the housecleaning so well, that you dont need us for anything. I think, that what happens in most cases, is that if the WS sees independence on your part, they believe it extends to every area of your life. <P>I have heard what you say lupo...Ill be alright, Ill pull through, Ill survive...and to the WS, they hear one of two things...<P>Im not needed...or...its ok for me to leave, because she/he can make it without me. <P>In their minds, it is a justification for quitting. The OM/OW needs me, but the W/H doesnt is the message they send to themselves. I think that communicating just what you said...yes there are some areas I am proficient at, but I need you for x,y,z and so much more, are necessary.<P>I know that strength I saw, was something I hadnt seen. It was attractive to me because I knew that she didnt have to count on me for EVERYTHING! But I also knew that she needed me/wanted me for a great many things. But, again, that took talking and seeing examples to clear in my mind what I was seeing. Let him know, that this has given you the time to explore your strengths, but that you still need his strengths for a great many things and that is why you married him. I guess, building that partnership, and drawing on each others strengths, and building each others weaknesses together is the exciting part of our relationship now. <P>As the Judds sing, "Love can build a bridge...between your heart and mine", but it cant be done with only one strong person.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

What a great post. I, too, feel very dependent on my wife, especially after she decided she needed a week or so to sort things out. I have always been an independent person, and liked time to myself, but now I am finding out about a whole new side of me. A side that needs her badly, every moment of the day. I have been wondering a lot, whether or not it is a good thing to express to her now, those feelings. It might just confuse her in her time of decision. But if it confuses her into believing she should be with me, isn't this a good thing?

Before H and I reconciled, I was telling him how I needed him. Then I had time to think about it. It wasn't true. I didn't need him. I WANTED him. <P>I haven't asked H about this, but to me, it seems as though this was one of the turning points for him. I would explain how I was doing great financially on my own. I could get by. The only thing keeping me from total and complete independence was not having my driver's license.. something I MUST do by the end of this summer (for me). But my point was that I WANTED him here. I wanted him to share in the everyday ups and downs in our lives. I wanted him here with his kids, to see them grow up, to let them grow up with him.<P>It may not seem like a huge difference between the wants and needs in this situation, but it was to me. <P>Karen<BR>

Thanks to everyone for adding a little something to make this an interesting topic.<P>OK, here's what's happening...<P>I wrote him a letter - just a "touch base" sort of thing (not mailed yet). In it, I outline a lot of what I've done to the house (we moved in to a house we had just spent 5 months remodeling - he left 2 weeks later) everything still in boxes, etc. I wrote that ALL boxes are unpacked, little touches, like I painted and hung linen closet door, moved door mirror to another door, got Sat. dish up, handy-man removed bushes we wanted gone. Like that. I don't want him to think I can HANDLE all this, it was just stuff that NEEDED to be done, we knew it was on the list, and could be done little by little once we moved in. <P>I also alluded to the fact that I "can't picture" what the new bushes will look like in front of house (this was our running joke, that I can't "picture" a project before it's completed) - sort of to "remind" him that this is what I need him for, the stuff we wanted to do, but I'm not capable of knowing if I'm making the right choices of bushes, colors, styles, etc. We were doing this TOGETHER (but apparently not) <P>Should I alter the letter? I don't want it to appear to be "pleading" his help, but at the same time, I don't want it to appear as though I really AM handling it (yes, I am. He left me no choice). Ooops, can't say that, MAJOR LB.<P>What I'm kind of "banking" on is that the pictures I paint with words of the work I'm doing on the house will sorta "lift the fog" a little, and he'll begin to see what he left behind and think more about it (and me!). Is this manipulative? Is this letter a good idea? I'm trying to Plan A a little bit here, since I never got the chance.<P>I mean, 9 1/2 weeks - NO CONTACT!! It's time for a little sunshine to burn off a little fog, dontcha think??? <P>Thanks, everyone for your input.<P>Lupo

Lupo...<P>I think the hardest part of being needed, is not to feel needy? Does that make sense? For some, the word *need*, sounds weak. Maybe the right words are what Topie said...WANT! When you want someone and there are things in your life that are important as a couple, the proper term is SHARE!! You cant picture things and you need him to be there to *share* those experiences. For some, the prospect of being *needed* is overwhelming and they are not sure they can live up to the responsibility of being *needed*. <P>I would send the letter, letting him know that you have learned to do things on your own, but the joy and effect of completing things is tarnished, since he isnt there to share it with. Maybe it will make a difference to him that you Want him there, not just need him.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart