I"m not sure why, but I've been finding the need to LB so badly lately!! It could be because I've had next to no sleep (so it seems) this past week, coupled with the stress of the miscarriage (I'm not worried about the loss of the baby, but more about my own healing physically).<P>My house looks like a disaster zone... and it's not from 'kid messes', but from H leaving things lying around everywhere (socks, loose change, papers from work, shoes, etc). These are things that withdrew from my love bank from when he and I first met, and he's still doing them. Oh, I know, I have to talk to him about it. But in my mood, I'm best to leave it for a few days until my want to LB tones down.<P>He hasn't gone through any of his boxes yet. They've been home for 2 weeks now... and still scattered throughout the basement. Hopefully we're starting on those tonight. I asked him if we could last night. We were both exhausted, so agreed on at least 1 hour of basement work tonight once the kids are in bed. If he backs out I think I'll lose it on him.<P>We're trying to work on a budgeting system in our house. We have a great plan, but things keep coming up that dents it. What's bugging me the most right now, is that when he got paid a week and a half ago, he was supposed to pay off the final rent owing to his now former roommate. He decided that he didn't want to. I let him make that decision on his own.. it wasn't my problem. So he didn't pay it. Then she started calling him at work, asking him for the money. <P>Well, I got my 'baby bonus' in this past Friday, and more than 1/2 of it ended up going to H to pay up his rent. I still had enough money to cover the household stuff for the week until he gets paid on Friday, but it's ticking me off that I don't have any extra money this week now. I had been invited to go out with some online friends who live in town, but now I can't afford it. I'll get the money back on Friday... but the night out is on Wednesday, so it won't help me any.<P>I am mad at myself for helping H out. Isn't that awful? I know he's been working his butt off at work (the manager as well as 3 employees in a 7 employee U-Haul centre all up and quit in the last 2 weeks), but to me, too much is not being done around the house.<P>I guess financial security is higher on my list of EN's than I originally thought. When H wasn't here (during our 4 month separation), I did great, financially. I always had extra money for 'whatever', and always had everything I needed in groceries and kid supplies.<P>Then of course, I've been thinking about Andrew more and more now. September 11th will be the first anniversary of his passing. And it's coming on fast. <P>Then there's next weekend. My dad, my kids, and I are heading out of town for a family reunion (H is not going). These kind of trips always end up costing more than you plan for, and I'm worried about that. I haven't seen most of my family since last year's get together, so I'm worried about how I'll be treated (because of Andrew). I'm also worried about memory triggers that I'll get when there. Not going is not an option to me. I've been looking forward to it all year... so I can show off the twins (me and my 1/2 sister are the only ones who spawned off twins..hehehe).<P>This will be my first time away from H since our recovery began. And I have no option but to trust that he won't do something dreadful, like get in touch with any of the OW. I know he's been looking forward to the quiet he'll get at home, and b/c of his situation at work, I also know that he'll be working the whole time I'm gone. I'm trying to focus on that.<P>I keep getting told that God only puts onto us that which we can handle. Well, I've had enough. I'm tired of getting 'stronger'. I want to back off for a spell. Let someone else deal with life for a while.<P>What I need is a vacation. Just a weekend alone with H, with no kids. The 2 yr old is being taken to my in-laws in 2 weekends (it's a long weekend here), but they won't take the twins until they're sleeping through the night (which they still aren't... augh!!). Not that H could get some time off anyways (sigh!).<P>Okay.. so now is where I'm supposed to sit back and think of some little things I can do for me. I'll be dying my hair again tonight (I haven't done it in a couple of months, b/c of the pregnancy..but now that that's not an issue anymore, I can become a red-head again - I'm tired of my natural blonde). If I can find the time later, maybe I'll even paint my nails. I haven't done that in a few months either.<P>I'm sorry this is so long. But I just needed to vent. I'm trying to stay positive today, to try and make it a better one.... but for me, it's not working. The weather doesn't help any either. It's supposed to go up to 30 C, PLUS an extra 7 or 8 degrees of humidity. That makes mum and kids cranky. And H is at work until after 5pm.<P>Gotta go now. The twins are having 'issues'. At least the 2 yr old is playing on his own (go figure.. he's chosen a 'noisy' toy... lol).<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>I can't imagine your life and what you are going through and all the help you give here, I am sure that helps to elivate (sp) some of your stress, Thanks for taking the time with us. I have been on my own since Thursday and have just bummed out, Not that I would trade places with you! HA! But I know that this is the last time that I will get to do this in a long time. But I know how much time it takes to stay current with what is going on the boards and you seem to stay current with all the activity in your house.<P>I have a few suggestions that might help, find a basket, box whatever will work and you don't mind looking at. You will have to start this but after awhile your H will catch on and it cuts down on the LB's place all of his things that are lying around that bother you and place them in the box/basket (do not practice your jump shot) When he says where is such and such, (He probably knows exactly were he left the item)just state back calmly in your basket by the door. The box/basket is his and he can take ownership of it. Ask him to clean the basket/box out once a week on a certain day, scheduling it will make it happen. <P>Alot of things happen here, you don't have to tolerate his stuff all over (which causes you anger and stress that is not needed) out of sight out of mind in the basket/box. He will start placing things there himself after awhile. (So you wont have to) And you won't have a messed up house with his stuff, don't think your boys are old enough to do this yet with their toys.<P>Just my suggestion!!<P>Now for Andrew and September 11th, My aunt and uncle lost there 18 yo son 12 years ago this month, it was right before his birthday, mine is a day before and we would share the day when I was home. I was buying his gift when the call came and was told when I got home. It was a truck/farm accident. Anyways we always had a dollar amount that we spent on birthday and christmas presents and I have sent that amount to the church that he was baptized, confirmed and buried in every year since, they use it for many things, but it's my memorial to my little cousin (he was 10 year younger). It helps and lets me have a special day that I remember him. Although I think of him often.<P>Maybe you can do something similiar for your son, to remember him and the day that he ascened to heaven.<P>My aunt has an oil candle that she lights most days for her son beside his picture and a verse about the light he brought into their lives can never go out. It's not morbid or a shrine it is just her way to keep his memory alive. My youngest is named after him and she knows all about her cousin, and that is a good thing. If you would like I will have her send it me to pass on to you. Just let me know.<P>So Topie vent all you want and continue to avoid the LB's. You are doing great with all that is on your plate. I really liked the thread what good things happened to you today, we so often forget about those things when so much else overwelms us. How was your dinner?<P>Stick to your budget, I let my husband run the finances and he ran them into the ground, if you are better at it then lead him.<P>You didn't say what the "Baby bonus" is!<P>Take care Cya Dawn

I explained how the baby bonus works in the 'good things today' thread... (sorry, don't feel like retyping it..hehehe).<P>I LOVE the basket idea! It's just a matter of finding a place for it where the 2 yr old can't relocate the items (he's a great re-arranger! LOL... I'm picturing something to do with interior design in his future...hehehe).<P>I haven't come up with much of any memorial ideas for Andrew yet. His birthday is/was (I'm not sure what term to use) October 25th. For his 4th b-day he wanted to go 'big' bowling and have chocolate cake. We did those things on the day he would have turned 4. I asked family and friends to have something chocolate on Oct 25th in memory of him. And I plan on having a chocolate cake every Oct 25th. I'll explain why to the kids as they get older. At first I"m sure they'll just be thrilled to have cake (grin), but after a while, they'll see the significance of it. I think it's better for me to celebrate his birth than his passing (can't use the other word yet).<P>One other healing method I started months ago (before his 4th b-day actually), is to write a journal on his life. He's a typical 'first' baby, and we have SO MANY pictures. And since my camera prints the date on them, we can easily remember the dates behind the stories. It's just a matter of getting myself into gear and writing some more. My plan for it once it's done, is to go to a printing shop, and get copies made for all of our family and friends. We'll add pictures to it as well. And, we'll leave some blank pages at the back for them to add their own memories of him (and ask that they send us their stories as well). I've told the family about my plans for the journal, but haven't promised a date yet. I want to take my time with it. Ideally, I'll finish it just before xmas (this year maybe? that'd be nice), and give them out then.<P>Thanks for responding. I am feeling better now. The kids are all asleep (woohoo!!), so I'm going to go and dye my hair now and get some more laundry done (it's never ending in this house...lol).<P>Karen<P>p.s. The dinner went well...just burgers on the bbq, but it was hot out, so a perfect meal. They ended up staying overnight. We stayed up listening to music, and playing euchre (gals vs guys.... gals won...hehehe).