This weekend has been very emotional for me. H and I have been fighting on and off for a few days. Today was better. I am really really trying to plan A, but it seems so hard for me. D-day was 3/29/01. I go from feeling confident and in control to an empotional mess. I have contact with H daily either by phone or he stops by to see the kids. Today again we were intimate and I'm not sure if that's the reason I feel so emotional or not. He wants to take it one day at a time, but I'm the one who is putting all the effort into trying to save this marriage, as long as I don't ak him to many questions or make suggestions about our reconciling things are great. I feel so lonely at times and I miss him so much I could cry right now. Everything reminds me of us. He continues to say he loves me, but not the way he should, he cares about me and he's there if I need him, but he's not home and it hurts so much sometimes I don't know what to do to make myself feel any better. I have a great support system but sometimes I think they may be getting sick of hearing my problems. H thinks my friends are the ones putting stuff in my head about his supposed A, although friends are still here for me and he's not. I continue to go to counseling by myself H thinks he doesn't need it. Weekends are the worst because I have to much free time. Sometimes I wish I could work 7 days a week to keep myself occupied. We still do some things together as a family but lately H has been taking kids on his own. There are days when I see the man I marrried loving and caring come out and that quick he reverts back to the hard non feeling person he has become. Does this seem to be the norm for most WS's? Why to we sit an wait for them to come to their senses. I love him, I hate him. I resent him. This is not fair to me or the kids how can he do this to us? I know I'm rambling I just needed to vent!

Sorry Cybil, but I don't know much about your story.<P>I do, however, know your pain. Your story sounds sooo familiar. My D-Day was 5/19 and my H has spent the last 7 weeks living at his moms. When did your H move out? Is he staying with a friend or has he gotten a new place to live? My H also has the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality disorder. I love seeing my "old husband" pop out occasionally, but it makes it even harder to deal with the person he has become.<P>We have also remained intimate while he's been gone. But these are not days that leave me emotionally drained...they actually renew my hope that our M has a chance. Call me naive, but I feel like it is a way for us to stay connected.<P>I wish you the best of luck!!! Hang in there!!!<P>Heck

cybil, I know, it's so hard. And it's not fair either. But good things can come out of this. You may be the only one working at this for a while, not fair either. Just how it is, I'm sorry. Do you know what happened to me during this A?<P>I felt all the horrible feelings everyone else feels, lost weight, couldn't sleep, etc. Then, I started really, really thinking, about us, about him, and about me. I saw an awful lot of things about myself that were really yicky, that I wanted to change, for me (ok, a little for him-or maybe just because of him). I learned and I grew. And while I was doing that. . still seeing him occasionally, I think it started to have an affect. Mind you, the A went on during all this. I listened, I let him talk to me, even about stuff I didn't like (we talked about OW alot & what was going on with their relationship-not fun!), but I still just listened. He was talking to me. Good. And I too, would see little glimpses of who I knew he was. Just hang on to them. . think about him as having a disease, just like cancer, only this diesase is in his head or in his heart.<P>Believe me, I know how hard it is, but it's so worth it. . for me, even if it was only for the lessons I've learned about ME. I really was the worst, most painful time of my life, but if you could see me now. . . .<P>Hang on. Do stuff for you. When you're with him, show him the best of who you want to be.