It has been nearly 3 years since my wife had her emotional affair. She only allowed us to have councelling once. Her idea has always been to move away and start fresh. We had all sorts of people tell us running won't work so we both waffled on the idea. Last spring she demanded we move or it was over. I tried and was even accepted to a new comparable position, but when it came to accepting and moving away from our home and a job I love, I refused and I don't really know why. <P>My wife has never felt counselling would do any good, so fearing she would not respect me, I only visited with one professional, then quit. <P>I now feel guilty that I didn't take the job and run. Maybe I ruined the chance of us staying together. I really did think I could do it but absolutely broke down when it got closer to doing the move.<P>I really think I have not yet forgiven my wife yet and certainly trust is still an issue after 3 years. She has not totally stayed away from him which hasn't helped. <P>I getting too long here, and I simply need to discuss this with some of you. If you need other details for clarity, please ask.<P>I want you to know, I am meeting with a professional counselor in two days, the first opportunity. I also want you to know, my wife has moved in with her mother as a separation. That has been for just over a week and it hurts.

Mo...<P>Ever see a bandaid over a compound fracture?? Ever see an alchoholic with a little paper bag over their bottle to hide their problem? Running away to a new location may limit the contact with the person she had the A with, but the underlying problems will still exist. <P>I am not saying that moving may not help, but it will not solve the problems that you two face. Only professional help and time will bring you to the point this can be dealt with. Your W is a typical WS (as I am), and would rather run from it, sweep it under the rug, and have it disappear on its own. It ain't gonna happen like that! She is gonna need to bend here. If you are gonna move, so be it, but the counselling part still needs to happen, for BOTH of you. If it doesn't, you are never going to heal and will be back here again in a year or two, possibly with her repeating the A, or you having a revenge A. Either way, a recipe for disaster.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I think that moving away & physically getting away from the problem is part of the solution. However, marital counseling will help tremendously. You & your wife need to address what emotional needs were lacking, which prompted your wife to have an A.<P>Hopefully, with joint marital counseling, she will realize that "separation" is NOT the solution, nor will it help. You can't work on your marriage if you are apart from each other. Encourage her to move back to your home and do an aggressive Plan A.<BR>

Thanks for the responses folks. I do listen. I am scheduled to see a marriage counsellor this Thursday pm. I hope to get some ideas to help me. So far I have only visited with friends and family, but they can only offer so much. One friend, who is also a pschologist did say the focus of my therapy should be to make be feel better about who I am. I should not feel the improvements should be to impress my wife, but if she wants to join me in the journey fine. Hopefully this counsellor will be a good one and I can encourage my wife to join up.<P>I talked to my wife this am. Again she mentioned if I could have been more trusting and forgiving, it would have made it easier for her to get over the OM. That may be true, but I reminded her it does no good any more to point fingers.<P>I did not learn about Plan A until late in this recovery period. By the time I started, it was to the point where my wife's heels were dug in on this moving idea. When I didn't come through, she got furious with me. She visited with her family and mother ( married to her third husband by the way) who recommended the separation. My wife did not think councelling would work since it never worked to keep her family together.<P>I will share these ideas with my counsellor. Hopefully we can get this turned around yet. My decision making skills are so poor and wishy-washy right now, I couldn't make the decision to divorce let alone follow through on it. It is absolutely not what I want anyway.<P>We do have two kids and they are having a hard time with the separation too. It has been just over a week.<P>Further responsed would be greatly appreciated. I feel for all of you who are suffering the pain like me.

modelt...Plan A is about making yourself a better you...improving yourself...helping you to feel better about yourself...regardless if your marriage survives or not.<P>I'm glad that you will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. Even though you post on this board, it really helps to actually talk to someone in person. I hope that your counselor is familiar with MB concepts.<P>Good luck to you and stay strong!

Survivor and others,<P>First of all thank you for taking the time to reply. It means alot to me. Before too long I will finally consistently spell the word counsellor correctly.<P>Yes, I am ready to talk to this person or someone else if this person doesn't help ( I will keep in mind one visit will not make all the difference).<P>I woke again this morning with an anxiety attack. The kids are with my wife and the house was empty. I had just had a bad dream about my daughter and it scared the heck out of me. I called my wife early and eventually made her mad again, so the unbroken spiral of no answers continued.<P>I was feeling pretty good when they left last night (my wife with the kids) but I just learned a long time friend of our family died. He was old and probably time for him to go, but the fond memories still hurt.<P>I hope the visit tonight is the first step in the right direction again- for me.