Okay... same dulldrums maybe.. but I have this fear that since this weekend was soooo different.. that there is something dark lurking.. <P>Talked to her this morning and she told me to call her back in 20 min. <P>Called her back and she wasn't there... She contacted me via ICQ and said she had to run SIL to work and was on the way out... asked to talk to her and she said sure for a min.<P>Called her and told her I really wanted to talk to her about yesterday and she said okay.. It will have to be tonight after 8:00, the SC counseling session. I asked her if she was going to be available during lunch and she said no.. she had a doctors appointment for her stomach, as she has already said she was nausiated most of the weekend.. She said that I shouldn't call her at work today, that she can't have calls there.. but Friday was so different. Her attitude this morning seems different. <P>Now... let the wheels spin.. cause they are. In the back of my mind... there is always protection waving flags in my direction. <P>I have this fear that she is going to set me up somehow and do someting nasty. I know I am just probably being paranoid. But I could see her going down and getting a restraining order, after he pressures her because we call each other and he hates it. She'll have me call at various times, say she can't talk (OM is there) and then tell me 20 min. Well, I'll do that and won't get her for an hour. Of course, I'll try to call 2 more times during that time frame. So... my mind works.. and I think..hmm.. I asked her what happened last night after I left and she paused and said nothing. That hesitant pause nailed me. Was it sex with him on our anniversary?; was it a deep seated plot? what the heck was it? I asked her how things went and she said that the OM just cried for most of the night.<P>Am I the only one who fears things like this, and if not, what are some of yours?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Keep in mind, the advice you get on here is not from an expert, just someone who is going through the same heartaches.<P>The paranoia you feel is understood. I too have the same feeling after 3 years of so-called recovery.<P>I just discovered lately that even after 3 years, I have not forgiven my wife. She never supported me in my attempt to seek counseling, but now, when things are starting to look even tougher (she's separated from me) I don't care and I am going to seek conseling.<P>I understand why you are suspicious, and I won't puusy-foot around. Your suspicions may be true. The only advice I can give though, is why knock yourself out until you are certain. If you go on waiting for something to happen it probably will. It is truly a dilemma for me too. The more I question my wife and her feeling for the other man, in an endless attempt to make myself feel better, the more I tend to drive her away and make the other guy seem more inviting. Damn!<P>It is so easy to give advice and what you and I are going through is pure hell. Winston Churchill said " When you are going through hell, keep moving.<P>My therapy to you is to remain active. Walk, jog, bicyle, whatever to keep you mind off the paranoia, even if it is for a few seconds at a time. Second will turn to minutes, etc. and it will get better.<P>Maybe you and I will end up without a mate, and the thought of that scares the death out of me. But somewhere in the back of my mind I hold the thought that there has to be a better day coming no matter what.<P>I wish you peace my brother.

Okay... am I a royal [censored] or what? <P>I asked her to email me when she got to work and this is what she sent...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Just a little note to say hello..<BR>Hope you are having a good day..<BR>Tell the boys I said hello and mommy loves them.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>simple... I suppose. I guess my fears are that of the unknown. Not necessarily of her. But rather, whats coming, what is not, what is around the next bank of fog. These turns at times are pretty scary and they come pretty fast.<P>I guess the biggest blow to me is that I know that they are/were being intimate with one another and knowing that they were over this weekend, is killing me. I know because I saw the hickey in the middle of her back, after the day I saw her in a towel, and it wasn't there the day before. <P>I makes me sick when he 'marks' his territory. I asked her about it.. probably LB'd, but it is damn upsetting to see those things.. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

I don't know if this will help but I want to tell you where I stand with regard to my W continuing to see the OM. <P>I count myself lucky in that my W has only had an EA - ok, this is her second EA in 4 years. I've also been PlanAing since ca. mid June - so it's still early. She's also keeping to her promise and hasn't contacted the OM. <P>However, if she ever does and/or she had a PA with him then I'd Plan B very quickly. I'm gone. Simple. I wouldn't want any contact with my wife during the continuation of the A. I've given this very careful consideration and I think that's the best anybody can be expected to do under the circumstances.<P>I'm prepared to be a doormat for a given period of time. And I'll do more than my part at working on the relationship. However, I'll not sell my soul to the devil - and I've made it very clear I'm not going there for anybody. Wife or not.<P>At the end of the day, it's you who has to look in the mirror and respect what you see.<P>

Freddy,<P>I respect your response. A little history on my plan A'ing.. I totally sucked at it the first few go arounds.. believe me this time.. Plus during that time, I failed to correct me. Now, I'm going about it differently and I'm trying harder to be nicer. But, if it continues, I'm going to put a time limit on it and then proceed with plan b.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

I can really relate to your fears. I gave H Plan B letter. He came home 3 days later, saying it was all over with OW. Well, its not over. I'm still not sure why he came home. As far as I know, he hasn't seen her, but then he works 3 miles from her house and there's always lunchtime. She went on vacation up north last week, and as far as I know, they did not talk. I noticed that he got withdrawn and grumpy with me by the end of the week. I sensed that this was the beginning of withdrawal. Well, guess what? She came home Sunday and yesterday my H was in a better mood when he came home last night! Of course, when questioned, he says he hasn't seen or spoken to her. Sunday night after beginning to read SAA, my H told me (while crying) that he's always felt guilty about what his A was doing to the kids, but that truthfully, he's never felt guilty about what its doing to me! He said that I pushed him to it, he feels justified and he's somewhere between "I don't care" and "remorse". That didn't give me much hope about the A ending!! I mean, if he doesn't feel bad about what he's doing to me, why stop doing it? I tell you, I wanted to boot his butt out the door Sunday, but he still says he doesn't want to leave to figure things out. We have counseling on Wednesday and I've got a LOT to talk about! He's also going on his own to figure out why he moved home when he can't seem to get off the fence. <P>Wow, sorry for going on so long, just wanted you to know that your fears are completely understandable. What's gotten me through the last couple of days is praying that God will give me the peace that I seek even though I'm in the middle of this mess. I hope you get some of that peace as well. We are doing the right thing by hanging in there!<P>Kari

Hi.. looking for a comfort area.. She went to the doctors at 12:30pm this afternoon and never returned back to work. I'm worried that there is more to this than just a doctors appointment. She said she would call me when she was done to let me know what happened. Haven't heard email or phone from her.. <P>I'm soooo afraid of these things.. Not knowing what is going on.. Whats the truth and whats a lie. If the WS is gonna leave and hurt the BS in the process, I'd rather they did it swiftly. Slow deaths are so painful..

I got ahold of her at 6:00. I asked her how her appointment went and she said I'm fine. I asked her if the doctor diagnosed a problem and she said no. No meds, no diagnosis and she just got home from the doctors after being there for what she eludes to 5:00 hours. <P>She asked me if I called her work and I told her yes... she asked what they said to me, which was that W would be out the rest of the day. <P>Now, how should I take this. I have had a bad feeling ALL day long. What happened overnight? To me.. something is amiss. When asked this morning, if she would promise to tell me what was wrong, if there was anything wrong, she would't promise with 'our sincere' promise.<P>1) Did she change the Birth Certificate today?<BR>2) Did she file for D?<BR>3) Get a restraining order?<BR>4) File a complaint?<BR>5) Rendevous with the OM?<BR>6) Mail me flowers?<P>I am bothered in not knowing. The A is taking off like it did before. We can have a wonderful time together and make progress and bamm. Seems like this may be my own fears.. paranoia... Something truly wrong with her?<P>Something just doesn't feel right.<P>Thoughts?<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

I knew something wasn't right.. she had an appointment today and it wasn't for the doctor. It was an appointment she made a month ago for an attorney. She also had counseling today. She says she didn't file, just talked.. <P>When she told me about it... finally when we had some quiet time she, whispered it to me. The OM was in the room with her and I am not sure why she whispered it and when I asked.. she said just because. <P>Now what the heck? Did she go with the intentions and tell him that she was going through it and went in to private counsel and declined? Saving face in front of the OM? I'm not really sure, but I'm happy she told me the truth finally and I suppose its best that she waited until tonight to tell me because I would have been a wreck today.<P>She promised me that she didn't file and I have to believe her. I do believe her. But I am nervous about LB and all the info being right there with the attorney and 'ready to go'.<P>Makes ya wanna walk straight and fly right. I'm glad I had the opportunity this weekend to be there with her and maybe helped her make her decision today.<P>Whew.. skin of my teeth, for now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Husband2You,<P>I've just read your postings and I wanted you to know that I'm really feeling for you. That's a hard place you're in. It's easy to say but if you can do it, keep strong.<P>Respect to you.<P>

H2Y:<P>One step forward, two back. That is the way of it as long as the fog/affair continue. You will continue to get conflicting signals and mixed messages.<P>Try not to analyze the fog, just the overall pattern. Are there signs of the affair breaking up? Is your Plan A causing your wife to waver? How do you feel about you?<P>Remember, Plan A is not only part of the strategy to cause your wife to seek emotional fulfillment in you instead of the OM, a large part of it is training yourself to be a better person/husband. A major part of the Plan A/Plan B process is to make YOU a better you.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<B>One step forward, two back. That is the way of it as long as the fog/affair continue. You will continue to get conflicting signals and mixed messages.<BR>Try not to analyze the fog, just the overall pattern. Are there signs of the affair breaking up? Is your Plan A causing your wife to waver? How do you feel about you?<BR></B><P>STL, H2U,<BR>I'm certainly NO expert, believe me....my H's still on the Mothership, remember? BUT it seems to me that you, H2U, are SMOTHERING your W with your Plan A actions. I mean, if she doens't want to talk, man, BACK OFF!!! Calling all day, and trying to get her to talk to you are (IMHO) major LB'ers.<BR>Your fears are making you do things that are NOT good.<P>Yes, she's still involved in the A. That part is obvious. She doesn't like to have to "juggle" both of you, she tells you things in whispers that she doesn't want OM to know she's telling you. That tells me that she is keeping secrets from HIM, as well as you. This will "wear her down." When you push, and he knows it, he pushes her to go for the D. and other things to "get you out of the picture." <P>Just back off a little bit. Try to only approach her a certain # of times a day. Make a schedule, if you must, don't call and call and call until you get her. I think if you say, "I will call/or ICQ once in the morning and once in the evening, and be as polite, loving and pleasant as I can be..." that will go a lot farther than pushing and pushing to get her to talk to you when she doesn't want to/ or can't because "he's around" and doesn't like it.<P>Take it or leave it. I'm sorry, it's just my opinion, and it may be junk. I'm just trying to help. It's just what I observe from your posting that you're pushing a little too hard, OK? <P>From one more BS trying to pick up all the shattered pieces and put my M back together all by myself.<P><BR>

h2u,<P>Your W has a serious problem if she wants to stay with an OM who abuses her, and has done all the things he has - think about it - from what I hear from you, is she safe? Next thing, is that baby. There needs to be a paternity test done - to find out, that is your right, she is your W, but . . .<P>I really feel for you, a visit to the lawyers? And think about how she is lying to him too. If she has to whisper so he doesn't hear.<P>Listen, you need some serious support here, and you should talk to Steve. Listen to the expert. Even if you two go into any counseling, if the OM is there, it still is not going to work. As long as the OM is around, the fog will exist. She is in depression sitting on the fence. She can't keep it up.<P>I will pray for you. hugs, aftershock