Two posts in one day for me.<P>In my other post, I asked how to tell if my W is trying and I want to thank everyone who has replied (or will reply). In this post, I would like to ask your opinion on a dilemma I have. My W has told me that the thing that "made her vulnerable to the affair" was that I was obsessed with her. She says she didn't like me calling her several times a day (which is ironic because she calls OM on an average of 5 times a day and he calls her an equal number of times). She even told the kids that the reason she was divorcing me was because I was obsessed with her.<P>For the past couple of months I have been trying to Plan A, but I have also tried not to show too much affection (ie telling her I love her, buying her flowers, sending her cards, etc). <P>My dilemma is this - now that my W is making the appearance of "trying", how can I show her affection without her misconstruing it to be obsession. I want her to know that I love her still, but I don't want to be obsessive about it. There is a small part of me that thinks that her telling everybody that I was obsessed with her is her way of rewriting history - but if it isn't, I don't want my actions to indicate anything negative at this point. Hence, my dilemma.<P>S&C

S&C<P>This goes directly to HisNeeds/HerNeeds...<P>You have a need to let her know you love her, and are an affectionate man. She is feeling smothered, at this juncture of the game. (I seriously think this may be a built in excuse, as you suspect. A trigger she can use anytime she wants to keep you at arms length, especially if she is showing same behaviors to OM??) It needs to be addressed in a way that both of you can feel comfortable and get your needs met. Ask her what she feels is acceptable, knowing that you are the way you are. I have been guilty of it in the past and have learned that one of my reasons for doing it was my own insecurities. I thought that the more I told her, the more I was reinforcing it. What I found was that the more I did it, the less effect it had. Kind of like ODing on chocolate...you reach a point where it no longer is a treat. There may be some validity to what she feels, but there is the same validity to what you feel, so there must be a spot in between where you can both feel the gesture is heart felt. Again, it goes back to open and honest communication, not LBing, and meeting needs...sounds simple huh? (We all know it isnt, my friend!)<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I've not had the comment of being obsessed with my W but I was accused of being too intense (as some of you will remember). The W didn't like to say 'I love you' or want to hear it that often. So, after some words of wisdom in here I did back off (a little bit anyways !!!) and I changed the words I was using. I also asked my W, given the circumstances, how did she expect me to behave - luckily she told tell me and was sensitive in the telling.<P>It's difficult to do but if your wife thinks that what you're doing is an LB then you have to modify your behaviour. The double bind is that you have to ask her for help and you don't want to appear 'wimpish' when you ask her. Not easy.<P>Is it possible for you to see Dr Harley together, or, failing that is your W sensitive enough to your needs to help you ?<P>Good Luck<P><p>[This message has been edited by Freddy (edited July 24, 2001).]

I have actually not told my wife that I love her in over 2 months. I have told her that I still care for her and that I want to make this marriage work. I did tell her in a letter yesterday that I still love her. <P>I am not so sure that I feel like I need to tell her (even though its true). Its more a case where I wonder if she needs to hear it and be reassured of it. But on the other hand, I don't want her to see me as obsessive. Does that make sense?<P>S&C

Its rather interesting in my case.<P>WS used to be the one that is "obsessive" before the A. And now all that was ok for her to do, is not ok for me to do??<P>I aggree that this is some built in excuse in order to eleminate any any factor that trigger her guilt.<P>What I try to do is not to require a lot of attention from her while showing my affection. Keep wide variaty of things you do and say. I make sure she does not hear the same phrase in the same day.

I guess I see my W at potentially a turning point. But I do not know if she needs me to reassure her the I love her (by telling her, giving her flowers, sending her cards, etc) or if she just needs the space to think about things. <P>I know the OM used to tell her how much he loved her every chance he got. I know he told her how good she looked. If she has given him up, should I be filling that void. Will she be missing the affirmation that he was providing her. <P>I guess maybe its too early in our potential recovery to know what to do. Maybe my best bet is to keep Plan A-ing and keep away from LBing.