It has been 5 months since D day of my wife's affair. I think everything is going well, we don't discuss it anymore. My wife is happy. I have nothing to complain about yet I think about this a little each day for some reason. I am wondering today if the BS might really think about this a little for the rest of their life especially if some kind of trigger comes up like my wife complaining to me to talk to women too much, or if I see a policeman (since a policeman and my wife had sex) or if my wife wants to go on a trip alone or with a female friend. I was hoping my negative feelings would die down sooner but some days they almost feel as strong as several months ago. I would say they affect my sexual performance also in that there is decreased interest. My wife's is not affected. For her it was a two night stand to just feel good and not as bad as many affairs on this board where there is was a lot of love involved or the affair lasted a long time or where the WS does not want to break contact. So I am lucky in this way. But I think the feeling of being betrayed still feels the same. Other than what my wife did she seems pretty good in every way. So I should just concentrate on her good points but when I have little to do my mind tends to drift off to the past to think about her actions.

You are doing good for 5 months! I was still at the stage where I was an emotional basketcase every time DH left the house. I'm at more than 2 years now and I just realized the other day that occasionally a day goes by where it never crosses my mind once. Just give me another 5 years lol...

I seriously don't think you can measure the pain of betrayal based upon the length of the affair, the emotional or sexual involvement, length of marriage or number of partners. Because my H had a long term affair does not make my pain any more than yours with your W having had a two night stand. The hurt is in the knowledge of being betrayed, let down, lied to, deceived and the way it affects each of each of us is individual. I think it makes alot of difference as to what your expectations were of a lifelong marriage and commitment. I had dreams of "just us" forever. Guess I was wrong.<P>Do we, as BS, think of this forever? At 3 1/2 yrs into recovery, I still think of it. Not with the same pain and gutwrenching anguish I used to but more with a sadness. The fact that you think about it daily is NOT unusual for 5 months,,not at all and it sounds as though you are doing very good. For me, that first year was the toughest, the second being better and the third still better. The pain is still there but not disabling, like it was in the beginning. <P>

wow, 3 1/2 years into recovery. I can't hardly imagine it. It seems so hard.

I'm approx. 2-1/2 yrs recovery from H's A. I still think about it, but it isn't gut-wrenching, as it was in the beginning. I have a feeling that the triggers are going to stay, but as our marriage heals & recovers, the pain won't have the same intensity as it once had.

Its good to see both of you in recovery for so long. I hope all continues going forward and you BS are happy. I can only dream of where your at. If I was where you are at right now and everything stopped 3 1/2 years ago, It would be 6 years for us in this mess.. and that is a long time. Lord. I do not have that strength. Sure the OM will be long gone by the time six years roles around regardless where she and I are at.. but six years comparitively is numbing. I can't fathom the growth, the endurance or the loss.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Yes, you DO have strength. You have strength you haven't even tapped into yet. And, one day, you'll look back with a deep self respect and pride to know YOU MADE IT. And I mean this sincerely, regardless of whether you remain married (hopefully) or decide to go your separate ways. You will find that the soul searching you have been doing, the MB concepts, the perseverence will make you a stronger, more solid person. Participation on this forum will give you insight into so many different people and situations and can't help but instill more compassion and empathy towards others than you ever thought possible. <P>If anyone had told me 4 yrs ago what I'd be facing in the past 3 1/2 yrs, I'd have told them,,"Stop,,I can't deal with all that. Let me off this ride right now!!" But you'll suprise yourself. You are stronger and far more capable than you think. Yes, you WILL make it, and look back someday and say "Wowwwww,, I never thought I could do that."